August 31, 2013

For sale

Grocery bill

* $26.40 due
* One high five from bag boy free with purchase (pending bag boy approval)
* I'm at register 6 at Pleasepay Grocery store #277 in a yellow Dominic's Dancing Raviolis t-shirt. The cashier's name is Ben.

Jill  555-8363

August 30, 2013

For sale

Used hardcover books

* Encyclopedia of Delayed Airline Flights, Volume 7
* Idiot's Guide To Scissors
* Book of Goldfish Names: I-P
* Championship Prison Miniature Golf Teams

$8 each
Gloria  555-2246

August 29, 2013

August 28, 2013


Calendar Watchers
Late-summer meeting

On the agenda:

* Days We Can Do Without with Dr. Elroy Riles, Part 9: February 16
* When is it going to be December?
* Why Darryl and his boat made of old calendars each went missing

August 29, 8:00 p.m. at Beverly's condo

August 27, 2013

For sale


* 44-years old
* Ear hair since 1997
* Appeared in the hit reality TV show Will Someone Go On A Date With My Uncle?

Jack & Lorraine 555-3200

August 26, 2013


Handy-man for hire

"Let me handle all your odd jobs"

* Introducing shirt buttons to other shirt buttons
* "Let's rush over to that guy and chew on his fingers"
* Looking into mirrors
* Making envelopes out of loaves of bread and mailing things

and more!

Call for rates and availability
Xavier 555-8118

August 25, 2013

For rent

I've got a phone line available for rent.

Unlimited local calls, but you have to use my phone. It's green and in my bedroom. Any ladies calling in the next 15 minutes will receive two free hugs - one from me and one from my friend, Tony.

You'll also have access to my personal address book, which includes phone numbers for:

* The video store down the street
* Tony's cell number
* The gas station around the corner that sells breakfast burritos sometimes
* Tony's mother's house phone

$8/hour or ask about our pay-by-call plan
Harold  555-2007

August 24, 2013


I'm looking to purchase the handle end of six forks.

I've got plenty of prongs, just need the handles for a dinner party I'm hosting.

Willing to spend as much as $1.20 each.

Tamara  555-6680

August 23, 2013

For rent

One green crayon

* Used in the creation of the spring, 2013 refrigerator note Back at 6, Love Linda

$4/half hour
Garrett & Linda  555-4309

* Crayon is broken. Call in the next 15 minutes and receive one free piece of scotch tape *

August 22, 2013


Need to get some mail out of your mailbox?

Joe Maglio  555-9995

August 20, 2013

Item found


I found this little one in our neighborhood's culdesac Monday. Looks like it could be far away from home and missing the other potatoes.

Didn't answer to Brian, Tina or Brian a second time

If he's yours, give us a call.

Maurice & Hector  555-4997

August 19, 2013

For sale

Reality TV on DVD

* Does Your Little Sister Have To Be Here? - final season
* Let's Glue Things To That Old Lady - season 4 w/commentary
* Infant Swap - season 6
* At The Postal Service Drop-Off Box With The Stars - season 3
* How Many French Fries Are Under The Seat Of My Car?! - seasons 1 and 2

$6 each
Beth  555-2918

August 18, 2013


Car pool to work
Pre-August 22 meeting

August 21, 7:00 p.m. in the back seat of Hillary's van

Inspirational posters: Hank (passenger seat head rest), Danielle (rear view mirror)
Tap water/paper cups: Shebrita
Practice cigarettes: Pete

August 17, 2013

August 16, 2013


Upcoming eating contests at Plumptin County Fairgrounds

August 27 - Pen cap
September 2 - Photographs of baked potatoes
September 17 - Table leg
October 9 - The grass in front of stage 6
November 1 - Phonebook

Call 555-6673 for tickets

August 15, 2013

Public Service Announcement

Air conditioning units shouldn't be caged.

Call 555-3381 to find out how you can help.

August 14, 2013


Kaynesport Royals
Additions to the 2013 promotional calendar

August 20 - Refrigerator handle (1st 5,000 fans)
August 22 - Toast Night
August 26 - Throw sandals at the right fielder
September 5 - Band Aid Day
September 19 - Bring your dolphin to the park
September 20 - Envelope of leaves (1st 2,500 fans 14-under)

Call 555-3818 for tickets

August 13, 2013


Need bottled mustard water?

Maglio's Mustard Water  555-9995

August 12, 2013


The People Under Andrea Fleming's Stairs
August meeting

On the agenda:

* Our field trip to the bus stop across the street from Andrea's house has been moved to September 16
* Andrea doesn't like roasted potatoes anymore
* Copies of the new documentary film Andrea Looks In The Refrigerator, April, 2013 are now available for $10; please see Pauline under stair 7

August 16, 5:30 p.m.

August 11, 2013


Berchmont car dealership
Salesperson's meeting

On the agenda:

* We sell full cars, not just the parts
* There is no such thing as a 'wearing red shoes tax'
* We can no longer accept children as trade-ins

August 13, 2:00 p.m.

August 10, 2013

For sale

VHS movies

* Karate Hippo 2: Back to the Dojo
* What Mosquitos Want
* Things We Lost in the Chili
* Dead Goldfish at Tiffany's

Jocelyn 555-2287

August 9, 2013

For sale

Kidney beans

$1 each or $15 for all 17
Debra  555-4110

August 8, 2013

For sale

Two tickets to Kaynesport Comets minor league baseball

* August 12 game vs. Derwood County Pythons
* Free with purchase: receipt from ticket transaction

$15 or the equivalent in wheat bread
Carlton  555-9003

August 7, 2013


I'm looking to purchase several garbage bags of sunflower seed & peanut shells for a bed I want to make.

Willing to offer upwards of $10 per bag.

Lenore  555-8551

August 6, 2013


A Novel Concept book club
August meeting

Books to discuss:

* Idiot's Guide to the Paper Cut - Ed. Thomas Lyle
* To Glue Leaves to a Mockingbird - Ansley Whitaker
* Mustache, Interrupted - Micah Townsend

August 11, 7:30 p.m. at Stanley's condo

August 5, 2013

For sale

Portions of the phone book

* C-E & N-V available for Poog County
* Landscaping company refrigerator magnet free with purchase
* Appeared in the 2013 documentaries Calling Amanda Davenport For A Third Time

$.50 per page or $40 for everything
Barney  555-0334

August 4, 2013


Meet Doughman!

Special exhibit now through September 15 at my house in downtown Plumptin.

* Have your picture taken with Doughman
* Other dough available for purchase
* Call for directions to my house

Kenneth  555-7188

August 3, 2013


Kaynesport Fishing Society
Summer meeting

On the agenda:

* There's no such thing as a cigarette fish no matter how much you doctor the photo
* If you're floating in the water and trying to catch fish that are in the tackle box on the boat, you're doing it wrong
* Naming each fish and introducing them to the other fish isn't necessary

August 6, 5:00 a.m. at Carl's apartment

August 2, 2013

For sale


* Seat sold separately *

Andy  555-3119

August 1, 2013


We're going to be counting down to August 2 beginning tonight at 7:00 p.m.

All are welcome.

* "8/2/13" hats will be on sale for $10
* The top 10 moments of August 1st video will be shown at 11:00 p.m.
* B.Y.O.G.N.R. (bring your own guy named Roger)

805 Kittles Avenue, Apt. 1070, Kaynesport