October 31, 2010


Sam's Salad Buffet
Full staff meeting

On the agenda:

* We do not offer chiropractic care at the drive thru
* Why the Russian dressing-in-the-ear joke is no longer funny
* The customers are not allowed to take home the sneeze guards

Tuesday, 1:00 p.m.

October 30, 2010

For sale


Air Whistler (November, 1994)
Bologna Monthly (June, 2003)
The Journal of Modern American Waving (March, 2009; October 2009)
Ravioli Goggles Maker (January, 2003; May, 2003; August, 2003)

$4 each
Paul 555-8102

October 29, 2010

Public Service Announcement

Let's put an end to pumpkin-on-pumpkin crime.

Call 555-6617 to find out how you can help.

October 28, 2010

For sale


Honey, I Glued a lot of Paper Clips to the Kids
Dances With Seashells

$3 each or both for $5
Aaron 555-5007

October 27, 2010

For sale

Used car for sale

1990 Hixon Raccoon SZ

* 296,000 miles
* Red w/dried horseradish racing stripes
* Missing gas pedal, roof
* Used in the filming of the classic holiday video Whose Baby Daddy Is This?

$68 or best offer
Antonio 555-2122

October 26, 2010

For sale

1/2 ham sandwich

$3 or best offer
Sandy 555-3321

For sale

Otis Peakaboo autographed apple

Sal 555-9931

October 25, 2010


Plumptin City College
"What it was isn't anymore"

Classes forming now for winter semester

* Survey: Guys named Tony
* Giraffes in the Theater
* History of Mustard, 1950-1980

And many more - pick the schedule that's right for you!

Intercollegiate athletics
Go Aardvarks!

* Men's and Women's Lettuce Toss
Co-coaches Tamara Blakeley and John Simpson
* Women's Ear Pulling
Hall of fame coach Wendy Arnold
* Men's Wheelbarrow
Coach Hal Winfield
* Men's Elevator Riding
Coach Pete Hannington

For application/advisement information, call 555-5663

October 24, 2010


Paco's Movie House
Grand opening!

November movies:

Karate Frog 2
The Drew Sisters in Forehead Soup
The Devil Wears Reading Glasses
Mustache: Impossible

Documentary films:

Watch Darren Go Bald
Salami Murphy-Live in Kenton City

Paco's - 502 Vanderells Lane, Kaynesport

October 23, 2010

For sale

Rice pool

* Uncooked
* Gravy slide sold separately

Greg and Linda 555-3401

** Interesting trades for pasta bath tubs considered **

October 22, 2010

For sale

Bologna wallets

* Hand-crafted
* Now available with bread-crust-Velcro

- $15 each
- 10 or more: $12 each
- 50 or more: $9 each

Vinnie 555-5459

October 21, 2010


Friends of Ken Laurie
Fall meeting

Items to discuss:

* Who is taking Ken's father to his Arm Pit Pinchers Anonymous meeting, November 6?
* Ken's 7th grade report card: Q&A
* FKL Flashback: May 6, 2001, the day we accidentally kidnapped Len Korie's canary
* Ken Camp 4: what went wrong

October 23, 2:00 p.m.

October 20, 2010


Freelance critic for hire

Whatever you need criticized, I'm your man.

* jailhouse cafeteria food
* home movies
* how a person really looks in shorts
* in-laws' nostril hair
* your goldfish's intelligence
* sock choice

$9/hour weekdays
$12/hour weekends
Benson 555-2310


Goober City Muskrats semi-pro basketball
Pre-season meeting

On the agenda:

- Why we can only play on eight-foot rims in practice
- Q&A: the whereabouts of Coach Jensen's clipboard
- Your socks go on before your shoes

January 4, 7:30 p.m. at Coach Sanderson's house

October 19, 2010


Cover to Cover book club
Fall meeting

Books to discuss:

Kevin Stevenson Bible (New Testament)
- Stevenson Publishing
The Idiot's Guide to Barbecue Sauce - Valerie Persons
The Encyclopedia of Empty Soda Cans - Chocolate House Publishing

October 22 at Rhonda's town house - 555 Erlinder Street

October 18, 2010


Vance's Chicken Shack
Staff meeting

Items to discuss:

* Please do not accept any more blueberries as currency
* Why the mashed potato pants joke is no longer funny

October 20, 1:00 p.m.

October 17, 2010

For sale


Bar Brawler (June, 2005; August, 2005)
Mailbox Flag Insults for Kids (January, 1999; May, 1999)
Salamander Fancy (November, 1994)
Plant Watcher's Digest (July, 2000)

$6 each
Hannah 555-8105

For sale

Used Halloween costumes

* Squash Girl (missing paper clip goggles)
* Ernie Cole the Orthodontist
* Rubber wheelbarrow
* Barbecue grill cover
* Belly Button Boy (w/rare 1970s ravioli helmet)

Call for pricing list
Will 555-7001

October 16, 2010


The People Under Andrea Fleming's Stairs
October meeting

On the agenda:

- Splinter Seminar, Part 5.
- Andrea's new boyfriend, Allen
- Taking responsibility: October 9th's enchilada fight
- What was that noise?

October 18, 7:00 p.m.

October 15, 2010

Clearance sale

Cat litter box liner autographed by my mother, Betty

Tim 555-6617

October 14, 2010


Need someone in front of you in a line removed?

Joe Maglio 555-9995

For sale

Used car

* 247,000 miles
* Blue w/dried soy sauce racing stripes
* Slice of sausage pizza somewhere in back free with purchase

Brandon 555-9940

October 13, 2010


Sprinkles Ice Cream Shop
Staff meeting

On the agenda:

* Bathing in the sherbet: the firing of Donald Belcher and Harriet Jensen
* The soy sauce & vanilla flavor has been taken off the menu
* Vanilla-chocolate swirl has nothing to do with bathroom breaks

October 15, 3:00 p.m.

For rent

Protest signs

"Get Down From My Dining Room Table!"
"Support Local Potatoes: Help Us Keep The Skins On"
"Rodney, Get A Haircut!"
"End Waffle Beatings By 2030"
"Stop The Employment Of Illegal Raccoon Workers: Close Ernieland"

Call for rental prices
Kathy 555-1081

October 12, 2010


11th Street Farmer's Market
Staff meeting

Items to discuss:

* The cantaloupe soccer game against the customers has been moved to November 7
* Please stop accepting expired oil change coupons as currency
* We do not have a drive thru
* The coconut juice dunk tank has been removed from the break room

October 15, 10:30 a.m.


Are you curious as to how you or others look in a mirror?

Call me, I've got a mirror you can use.

Harriet  555-6617

October 11, 2010

Public Service Announcement

End ear wax discrimination in local Q-Tips by 2020.

Call 555-4871 to find out how you can help

For sale

Toothpick collection

* Over 1,000
* 173 used (several w/roast beef pieces)
* Part of the cast of the 2003 made-for-TV movie Toothpick Soup: The Choking of Andrew Berchfield

Make me an offer
Greg 555-6816

October 10, 2010


Hamburger Hut
Employee meeting

Items to discuss:

* Sandpaper is not a condiment
* The pinching/emergency room visit of cashier Rory Lecksford: Q&A

October 11, 1:00 p.m.

October 9, 2010

For sale

Glove compartment clearance sale

* Road map (Plumptin County) - $7
* Old vehicle registration cards:
- 1994 Murray's Insurance Co. (rare) - $15
- All others - $1 each
* Half bologna sandwich - $3
* Mystery goo on napkin - $6
* Piece of a pinky (glove compartment accident) - $5

Darryl 555-7057

October 8, 2010

For sale


* Pile of ants underneath free with purchase
* Used in the filming of the 2009 reality TV show So You Think You Can Eat This Football?

Andy  555-0223

** Hurry, Meghan is interested **


Kelli the Advice Lady
For hire

* Wearing a belt into the shower
* Don't pour sweet and sour sauce into your dress shoes
* No matter how many swamps you visit, you're never going to find "the perfect alligator"
* Spending too much time underneath the couch

and many more!

Call for rates and availability

October 7, 2010

For sale

Cat tail

- Fresh
- 14 inches

Darren  555-7734

For rent

Toilet paper

- Estimated 74 squares remaining
- Rent by length or by the minute
- Ask about our layaway plans

Call 555-1771 for rates

October 6, 2010

For sale

Match book

* Autographed by world-famous air triangle player Bobby Feathers
* Used in the filming of the 2010 made-for-TV movie They Came to Burn our Shoelaces
* Matches sold separately

Ira 555-8010

For rent


* Located at 1820 Wuxley Crossing, East Kaynesport
* Fits 1/18 of a person comfortably
* Used in the filming of the hit reality TV show Will Someone Take My Daughter on a Date at the Well? and the 2007 film A Bloody Nose at the Opera

Daniel 555-2457

October 5, 2010

Help wanted

I'm looking for someone who can talk a woman off the roof of a bus.

* Must know how to operate a fishing pole

Darlene 555-7818


Corak, Lundy & Hitz

* Walrus 1
* Impersonating a police whistle
* Harassing bird calls
* Leaving the scene of a level 3 accordion riot
* Powers of receptionist
* Felony water fountain sip-and-run
* Wheelbarrow-chicken rings

Call for rates and availability

For sale

Garage sale

* 1/2 door (with 1/2 blue jay) - $25
* Oil stain photos - 5 for $10
* Uncle Frank - $42
* Uncle Frank's spaghetti eyebrow art collection - $150 or $3 per eyebrow
* Mystery bag - $.75

And many more!

Eric & Lydia 555-2299

October 4, 2010


Limping Fred's Drive-In Movie Theatre
Grand opening!

Fall movies

Chasing Momma Out of the Train
Sockless Man Walking
Karate Raccoon 2
Six Anchovies of Separation

Brand-new documentaries, by TBC Films:

* The People Next Door Don't Have a Roof
* Mouseburgers: The Closing of Beefy's Fast Food Hut Store #118

Limping Fred's - 725 Fingo Street, South Plumptin

Elroys for sale

** Over 300 in stock **

- Just bulldozed in
- Perfect for gluing hot dog buns to

Sold out:

* Brown hair
* Fake limps (patented pre-2006 only)

Call for pricing list - 555-4101

For Sale

Rest area bathroom items


- Orange/white
- Several rust spots


- Weighs .1 ounce
- Mystery hair sold separately

Razor cover

- Perfect if bought with razor

Make me an offer
Jalen 555-5911

** Hurry, Eddie is interested **

October 3, 2010


Beefy's Fast Food Hut - Store #42
Staff meeting

Items to discuss:

* Instead of the ketchup dispenser, please start using the sink to wash your hands
* The jumping out from behind the counter and scaring the customers with bacon face joke is no longer funny
* You're not allowed to give manicures at the drive-thru window

October 5, 10:30 a.m.

October 2, 2010

For sale

Pen cap collection

* Over 400 available
* Part of the reality TV show Pen Cap Eating Contest: All Stars

Call for pricing list
Dimitri  555-7111


Plumptin Press
Staff meeting

On the agenda:

* Call-takers on the Friday night sports desk: for the last time, pinching is not a sport
* The obituary page is not for pens that ran out of ink

October 4, 9:00 a.m.

October 1, 2010

For sale

Murray Dandridge autographed lettuce

Claude 555-7340


Need to get someone down from a roof or chandelier?

Joe Maglio 555-9995