January 31, 2011


The Mossy People
Band meeting

On the agenda:

* A tambourine is not a weapon
* Nothing rhymes with "asparagus"
* Lip Syncing for Laryngitis benefit concert is rescheduled for March 16

February 1, 1:30 p.m.

January 30, 2011

For sale


Reality TV

Who Won't Suffocate?! - season 2
Worm Store - complete series


Envelope Man 2: Escape from the Supply Closet
Dances with Phonebooks
Field of Deans

Call for pricing list
Felicity 555-5976

January 29, 2011

Car for sale

1992 Derwood Gasanga ZC

* 234,000 miles
* Used in the filming of the 2008 documentary Car Fire 2

Items that come with car:

- Peggy Cliff's I Saw Mommy Kissing Everyone cassette (stuck in player)
- Asparagus air freshener
- 1/2 salami sub (underneath driver's seat)

Arnold & Nadine 555-2210

"You really need to buy this car."

- Arnold

January 28, 2011


Tired of dialing 911?
Looking for a new way to get help during an emergency?

Call John and Suzanne at 742

Specializing in:

* Hystericalness
* Sandwich expulsion
* Coaxing loved ones down from chandeliers
* Catastrophic yogurt spill aftermath
* Rapid sock loss
* Sleeparguing

Call us today!

January 27, 2011


GoMart Convenience Store #17
Staff meeting

Items to discuss:

* Challenging customers to a microwaved burrito fight was not in the training manual
* Bring Your Daughter's Parole Officer To Work Day has been moved to February 16
* We do not have a give a penny take a give a penny take a penny tray tray

January 28, 1:30 p.m.

January 26, 2011

For sale

Bottled fog

* Interesting trades for bottled puddle water considered *

Josephine 555-9995

For sale


Bath Tub Living (June, 1999; February, 2000)
Laundry Hamper & Hider (August 1998)
The Illustrated History of the Sneeze-Volume 3 (December, 2010)
Paper Clip Eater (January, 2000; March, 2000)
Mashed Potato Quarterly (September, 2006; November, 2006; January, 2007)

$4 each
Beverly 555-8817

January 25, 2011


Air drumming lessons available

* Must bring own drum sticks *

Special tutorials:

- Steering wheel drumming 101
- Sound effects: dos and don'ts

Call for rates
Jeremiah 555-4410

January 24, 2011


Trying to locate Joe Maglio?

Jim Baglio 555-8885


Meet Murray

January 29 from 2:00 p.m. - 4:00 p.m.

January 23, 2011


Beefy's Fast Food Hut - Store #147
Staff meeting

On the agenda:

* It doesn't matter how long those raccoons have been in the walk-in freezer, they're not going on the dollar menu
* Please stop accepting paintings of dollar bills as currency
* Bullying the customers into making their own food was not on the orientation video

January 24, 1:00 p.m.

January 22, 2011

For sale

Ernie McNamara autographed memorabilia

Celery - $55

Used straw - $4

Hurry, Joel is interested
Hank 555-4882

For sale

Bumper stickers

"Acorn on board"
"How's my sock tossing? 555-8833"
"My child spilled his apple juice at Huntington Elementary"
"Shampoo drinking contest national champion 1994"

$2 each
Xavier 555-3425

January 21, 2011

House for sale

1/3 BR

* Used in the filming of the 2003 documentary Shampoo Drinking Contest 2
* Bathroom floors, walls coming March 6

Open house - January 23 from 1:00 p.m. to 4:00 p.m. at 944 Piso Avenue, East Plumptin

January 20, 2011


Paymont University
Grand re-opening

Brand-new courses offered:

Survey: History of the Envelope
Professor Janet Lee

* The dark ages: before you could seal
* The edible envelope craze (1981-1983)

Getting Out of Your Car and Staying Out
Professor Git Mulberry

* Freeing yourself before the door closes

American History: Ice Cube Wars of 1971
Professor Ernie Pepano

* Traveling by freezerback

Professors We Have Fired
Dr. Stan Corley

* The aftermath of the 2007 chalk thefts
* Professor Blaine Stefani's affair with the Room 212 slide projector

Online courses available:

- New math: working without the number 6 (Prof. Rhonda McLoud)
- Film study - Antelope in the Theater (Dr. Flannery Plumptin)

Call 555-5656 or visit paymontunivfalcins.blogspot.com for more information

January 19, 2011


Migliaccio's Italian Restaurant
Staff meeting

Items to discuss:

* Please stop accepting "wise guy's thumbs" as currency
* A meatball is not a weapon
* The birthday song does not include the word "dummy" or the phrase "watch your back"

January 20, 9:00 a.m.

January 18, 2011


Ready to start the countdown to 2012?

Begins January 30 at 2:00 p.m. at my place: 410 Derwood Manor, Kaynesport.

Joe Maglio

For sale

Used books

Provolone in the Rye - Shelly Goodrich
A Season Under the Sink - Elbert Lowell
To Glue Things to a Mockingbird - Hillary James
Dictionary of Elephant Slang - Chocolate House Publishing

$3 each
Connie  555-0067

January 17, 2011



Our beloved lawnmower died doing what it loved: running over a fire ant hill. Mistakenly cut IT'S A BOX into lawn after Charlie was born in October, 2008. Left out in rain during family vacation (August, 2005); married Valerie (pool skimmer) a month later. Items still underneath when it died: squirrel tail, ankle sock, mailbox pieces.

Funeral services set for January 22 at 11:00 a.m. in the garage.

January 16, 2011

For sale


Devil Wears Wrist Bands
Parking Ticket at the Opera
A Child Called 'Avocado'

Home movies

* Uncle Rob Gets a Haircut in the Kitchen, Runs into Woods - June 8, 2009
* Salami Sandwich: A Timeline
* Cecil the Cat Eats all the Rubber Bands, Throws Up most of the Rubber Bands - September 16, 2007

$5 each
Wally 555-3008

January 15, 2011


Psychiatrist for hire

* Fear of killer mailboxes
* The voices underneath your toenails
* I'm nervous around cereal
* What was that sound?
* "I make cream of mushroom soup and pour it into my loafers"
* Fear of accidentally overdosing on shampoo the morning of my sister's wedding
* "I hate my husband's knees"

Call for rates and availability
James Francis 555-4502

January 14, 2011

Casting call

The Feathers-Morris Theater Company is holding auditions for the following roles in the upcoming production of Sneezing on Ernie Wolcott.

- Kenny
- Sneeze astrologist Fern Maxwell
- Carl: half-man, half-ravioli
- Evil Ernie
- Voice of singing easter basket
- Dream Candice
- Bungo the talking pineapple

Also looking for:

* An actor to portray God, but wearing a giraffe costume
* Someone who can talk a man down from a stop light

Auditions - January 22, 1:00 p.m.-7:30 p.m. at the theater - 77 Gallego Crossing, Kaynesport

January 13, 2011

For sale


- "Talk to the ham sandwich"
- Blue long sleeve w/raspberry stains
- Credit Card Keepers - Arena Tour 1998
- Kaynesport Possums Baseball
- Acorn Andy: Live at Henley Amphitheater, July 10, 2003

$9 each
Ernie 555-7887

For hire

Toupee model

* I work in browns and grays only
* Bald since 2002; thinking about being bald since 1993
* Homemade dandruff toupee available by request

Dieter 555-3301

** For a limited time, a copy of my movie I've Got A Lot Of Mud To Give free when you hire me **

January 12, 2011

For sale

Vinyl albums

She Blinded me with Detergent - Harriet Malc Singers
I think we may have run over Jerry - The Maxwell 13
Under the Sofa and Sneezing - Ron Paulsen Band

$6 each
Brenda 555-3553

January 11, 2011

Child for sale


Age: 9
Pluses: Ate a Plumptin County-record 11 crayons (January, 2009); pulls hair at a fourth-grade level
Minuses: Pet lizard missing since last Thursday; refuses to go anywhere without celery in his pockets
Sleeps: in a laundry basket in the attic

* Led 2009 little league team in outfield fall downs (26) and longest cry (17 minutes 42 seconds), and won "Purplest Bruise" and "Least Attractive Sister" awards at team banquet.

$310 or best offer
Carlton & Tameka 555-7734

January 10, 2011


Men Buried in Snow
January meeting

On the agenda:

* Mittens are not edible no matter how much hot sauce you put on them
* Our new rivals, The Guys Knee-Deep in Chocolate Ice Cream: Q&A
* The deadline for putting deposits down on spring walk-in freezers is February 5

January 13, 1:00 p.m. at headquarters

January 9, 2011

For sale

1/2 peanut butter and jelly sandwich

* Includes 17% more jelly than my uncle Gary's sandwich
* Napkins: 1 used, 1 unused free with purchase

Brendon 555-2031

For sale

My latest thoughts & dreams available at low prices

* Pouring olive oil in my boots turned out to be a bad idea
* You can't take a gun to a pine cone fight
* Power forward for the Reno Roosters
* I'm in a cheetah costume, trapped underneath the hood of my car
* Popcorn vendor at Reno Roosters' games
* Giant blocks of flying parmesan cheese invade Lasagna City

$10 each
Pete 555-2665

January 8, 2011


Gradual elations: you have had choices by the cupboardmint to click $5 million in goalie bricks!

Send your lice savings to the prints of Apricot.

The Kim is in grape Carol-send muddy soon.


January 7, 2011

Letter from the editor

Congratulations to the December winners of the Name That Potato contest. You will be notified by-mail and receive your frozen lizard shortly after. Also, please stop sending us deodorant eating videos, the contest ended January 1.

- Derwood Morris


Need staircases climbed?

Joe Maglio 555-9995

January 6, 2011

For sale

Orthodontist bill

* $217.46 due
* I'm at Dr. Wilkins' office in chair 4 with a white t-shirt and brown pants. I'll be whistling and waving.
* Call for directions, among other things

Kevin 555-2994


Pau's Pizza Pauice
Staff meeting

On the agenda:

* Staples are not a topping
* The hiring, firing and penguin abduction trial of Perry Mitchell
* Please do not sell children at the drive thru window
* Lettuce pizza has been taken off the menu

January 8, 1:00 p.m.

January 5, 2011

For sale


A Carpet Stain at the Opera
Tickle Club
Spaghetti: Interrupted
Honey, I Mailed the Kids

$3 each
Jenny 555-5482

January 4, 2011


The Friends of Dan Donaldson
Spring meeting

On the agenda:

- Dan's new pet gerbil, Molly
- The Friends of Don Danielson: who do these guys think they are?
- The following members have not put down deposits for our February 2 field trip to Dan's high school gym locker: Cody, Liza, Ralph

January 7, 6:30 p.m. at Cole and Samantha's town house

January 3, 2011

TV listings

Check out WDER's new Monday lineup!


Watch Me Drink Laundry Detergent - 8:00 p.m.
Darryl drinks too much laundry detergent. Plus: team 6 has a setback when Linda thinks she's a pair of Chinos going through a spin cycle.

Basketball Statistician Wives
- 9:00 p.m.
Amanda and Beverly get into an argument over offensive rebounds, ruining Carl's 40th birthday party.

Who Will Go With My Son To The Prom?
- 10:00 p.m.
Deondre's gift of a bullfrog in a brown paper bag does not impress his date, Brianna. Also: Mrs. Fraylick shows up at the movie theater in her bath robe and shower cap, and her son Harrison's first kiss will have to wait.

Late-night movie - 11:00 p.m.

I, Wheelbarrow

5:40 a.m. - Taking Forehead Samples with Kenny

For sale

Pizza boxes

* Brown
* Hundreds in stock

Call for pricing list
Vinnie's Pizza 555-4981

January 2, 2011


Convenient Mart - Store #183
Staff meeting

On the agenda:

* We do not have a give a penny take a frozen pizza tray
* Please shave all body hair at home from now on
* We no longer sell Toothpick Eater magazine

January 4, 10:30 a.m. at the regional headquarters building


Air trombonist for hire

- Available for car rides, orthodontist waiting rooms, couch sittings and much more
- Air saxophone also available

Devin 555-2313

January 1, 2011



Our old vaccuum cleaner died late Friday evening after an accidental paper clip overdose. Lloyd loved going under tables and scaring the cat, and he wasn't afraid to leave his comfort zone and help out during the Barbecue Sauce Spills of '08. Married a push broom (Wanda) in November, 2007; divorced a month later after an argument over lint traps. Funeral services set for Tuesday out by the mailbox.


Cheese Please
January meeting

Items to discuss:

* This year's Valentine's Day party will not include a grated parmesan dunk tank
* If you feel like there's too much nacho cheese in your pants pockets, the new safe word is carburetor
* Our rivals, Just Gimme The Brie have challenged us to a bread fight February 7. Do we accept?

January 3, 1:00 p.m.