October 31, 2009

Children's toy for sale

Blue turtle

* Macaroni noodle stuck to bottom
* Used in the 2003 home movie Grandpa Has a Turtle in his Pants

Eric & Diane 555-1328

October 30, 2009


Rory's Stationery Store
Staff meeting

On the agenda:

* Please stop accepting napkins with dollar amounts written on them as currency
* The wedding stationery is not priced based on the attractiveness of the bride-to-be
* SUI (stapling under the influence): the firing of Karl Vanderells

November 2, 1:00 p.m.

October 29, 2009

For sale

Selling some stuff from around the house; great deals available.


* Tube - $1 each

Body hair

* Mustache w/mayonnaise clump (rare) - $15
* Ear hairs - 25 for $1

Washing machine

* White
* Mouse inside not dead [last updated: 10/29, 11:05 am)

$24 or best offer

Garret 555-9991

October 28, 2009

Letter from the editor

Thanks to everyone who participated in the Save the Peanuts fundraiser, held this past Saturday, October 24. With your help, we were able to save over three pounds of peanuts from being de-shelled.

Also: the three finalists for next month's Raccoon Toss will be notified by mail, not minor league baseball scoreboard as previously announced.

-  Derwood Morris

October 27, 2009

Home for sale

1 BR

* Bath tub filled with actual blood, sweat and tears
* Free with purchase: copy of Peggy Cliff's 1984 platinum-selling album I Saw Daddy Kissing Santa Claus

Former residents:

- TV's original Caterpillar Man, Donnie Barfield
- Phillis Baker

Open house: October 31, 12:00 p.m. - 3:30 p.m. at 717 Pepano Circle, Pisoville

For sale


* Dry Wall Taster/Traveling Salesman (December, 1991; March, 1992)
* Emaciated Male Jr.  (May, 2004; November, 2004)
* Wheelbarrow & Pusher (January, 1995)
* Fashionable Rhino (April, 1981; May, 1981; January, 1982)

$2 each
Shonsen P.  555-4216

October 26, 2009

For sale


* Red (w/toothpaste stain)
* "Real Men Like Jesus"
* "Ed + others  - North American Tour, 2002"

$5 each
Troy  555-9922

Police report

Vernon Easterly
Age: 36
Pants: No

October 25: Taken into custody for bathing in a downtown bird bath. Mr. Easterly claimed he was "just trying to teach the younger birds how to lather properly."

Previous arrests:

April 18, 2000: Found with more than three pounds of owl feathers with intent to distribute.

May 24, 1999: Arrested for acorn neglect.

Bail: $15

October 25, 2009

For lease

Land for lease

Previous owners:

* Stinky/Pooman '96 campaign headquarters - Fall, 1996
* Randall & Son Empty Building - 1997-2002
* M.A.T.P. (Mothers Against Teenage Pinching) headquarters - 2003-2008
* The Church of D'Ondre - September, 2009

Berker Reality 555-6750

October 24, 2009


The People Under Andrea Fleming's Stairs
Fall meeting

On the agenda:

* Who is dropping off Andrea's grandmother at her salsa lesson, November 1?
* Andrea's new pinky implants
* 2010 Fleming Fest (January 3-5) needs:

- Raccoon Toss judges
- Auctioneer for the 2nd annual Eyebrow Auction

October 26, 7:00 p.m. at Tory and Brevin's house

October 23, 2009

TV listings

WDER's brand-new Friday lineup!


So, You Think You Can Nose Bleed? - 8:00 p.m.
Frank can't get his nose to bleed. Plus: Jillian is caught picking with her thumb and has to spend a day in the Septum Tank.

Mailmen - 9:00 p.m.
Vince is eliminated when judges find his satchel is filled with mashed potatoes.

The Real Kittens of the Orin County Humane Society - 10:00 p.m.
Paco throws up a rubber band, while Buttons and Sammy fight over who's going to eat it next. Plus: Lexi learns to trust her shadow.

"Night at the Movies" - 11:00 p.m.

I Know What You Found in Your Ear Last Summer

5:55 a.m. - Winking & Blinking with Carol

October 22, 2009

For sale

2 BR

* Used in the filming of the 2007 hit reality TV show Unibrow House
* Extra wood on roof sold seperately

Open house - October 31, 1:00 p.m. - 4:00 p.m. at 349 Piso Street, SE Plumptin

October 21, 2009


The Kaynesport County Fair is back!

"BYOI....bring your own iguanas."

- Kaynesport mayor Morris J. Woodiger

Rides and attractions

- Giant Spoon Kid-Toss
- Pine Cone Man Ride (new!)
- Kicking Booth
- Mouthwash Dunk Tank

Musical acts

* Dottie and the Uninterested
* Soy Sauce Revival
* Peggy Cliff
* Rory & Merle

Delicious foods

* Aunt Kendra's Chocolate-Covered Eyelids
* Breads of different sogginess


The return of Leaky the Clown and his world-famous Balloon Vegetables

- Parsnip now available!

Join us for all the fun, November 13-15 at the D'herwood Fairgrounds

October 20, 2009

For sale

Bumper stickers

"My Daughter is a Student at Claymore Elementary"
"How's My Chicken Bone Tossing? 555-6437"
"#1 Every Other Weekend Dad"

$2 each or all three for $5
Ian 555-6437

October 19, 2009

For sale

Age: 48

* Star of reality TV show Will You Go On a Date With My Uncle?
* Gives excellent earlobe massages
* Self-appointed "Mayor of Love Town"

Calvin (artist's rendering)

Trevor 555-2122

** Hurry, many interested


Holy Shoes!
Company meeting

Items to discuss:

* Please do not smell the shoes before handing them to the customers to try on
* What not to hide in the empty shoe boxes
* Cashiers: penny loafers should not be taken literally

October 20, 1:30 p.m. at the midtown corporate office

October 18, 2009

For sale

CD singles

I think we may have hit that Deer - The Cuckleys
Applesauce Pants - 9J5
(We headed for a) Drive-by Sewing - Loch Ness Mobster
I saw Mommy Kissing Three Santa Clauses - Peggy Cliff

$3 each
Natalie 555-0340

October 17, 2009


Need bath water drank?

Joe Maglio 555-9995

For rent

* 2 bedroom dream home in the heart of the wasp district

- Hole in kitchen to be filled December, 2009
- Underneath house: Nostrils the Clown red wig/coconut gun, Grandpa Vern, thumb (w/out fingernail)
- Used in the filming of the 2002 movie Diary of a Mad, Green Bullfrog

Cassie & Eli 555-9079

October 16, 2009


Psychiatrist for hire

"It's about time for it to be what it is and then some. A whole lot more some."

* Fear of condensed milk
* The voices inside your Easter basket
* Faking nose bleeds
* Over-frowning
* "I hate my mailman's walk"
* Fear of invasion by a race of killer washing machines

Call for rates
Harriet 555-3281


Beefy's Fast Food Hut - Store #61
Staff meeting

On the agenda:

* Say hello to our new mascot, Professor Patty
* Please stop accepting blades of grass as currency

October 19, 11:30 a.m.

For sale

Used protest signs

- "Make Gravy Not War"
- "Support Banana Slugs in the Theatre"
- "Get out of my Refrigerator!"

$4 each
Mort 555-4547

October 15, 2009



Available for:

* Thorax massage (ladies only)
* Wind instrument real estate

Call for rates and availability

October 14, 2009


103rd Street Movie House
Grand re-opening!

"Now with a water fountain"

Fall, 2009 movies:

Bobsledder on the Roof
A Bed of Noses
Sneezeless in Seattle
The Knuckle Collector

103rd Street Movie House - Downtown next to Jumping Jacks Gentleman's Club

October 13, 2009


Kaynesport Lumberjacks Baseball
Team meeting

On the agenda:

* Leave your glove in the dugout when you go to hit
* The rosin bag is not a weapon
* Catchers: put on your shin guards after your pants
* The whereabouts of honorary bat boy, Grandpa Dan

October 15, 1:00 p.m. at Mo Arthur Recreation Center

October 12, 2009


Now THAT'S art, or is it?, in conjuction with The Bobby Classifieds, presents the first annual Art Contest and Arm Pit Identification Spectacular! Each month, you decide which work of art is the best.

Finalists will be announced at ACAPIS, April 1, 2010.

October entries:

"Rain Falling on Murray Patterson"
by Kwon Raburn, East Plumptin

"Glue Stick & Moldy Bagel"
by Kristin Fecker, Kaynesport

* Vote for your favorite on the front-page poll
* To enter November's contest, email oscarrainbow@gmail.com

Thoughts for sale

These are some of my more recent thoughts.

Got to get them out of my head; make me an offer.

* Pumpkin seed earrings
* I'm not a big fan of the name "Carson".
* Goldfish don't need to be taken for walks. I know that now.
* What is so wrong about picking other people's noses?
* While helping Dan Marino fix a flat tire, he tosses me a wrench and I make an over-the-shoulder catch. He says "nice grab, rookie" and we become best friends and rent a two-bedroom apartment.
* That's the last time I drink an entire bottle of sun tan lotion to impress a woman.

Dale 555-8459


Need holes filled?

Joe Maglio 555-9995

October 11, 2009

For sale


- Ice cream cone stenciled on back pocket
- Appeared in the 2009 home movie Mail's Here

Riley 555-0888

Children for sale

Age: 3
Hobbies: Hiding in the dishwasher; writing her name in chocolate syrup on the living room furniture

Age: 5
Awards & Honors: Nationally-ranked Crawl-Farter (2004-2005)

* Will only sleep in a wheelbarrow with his imaginary friend, Dennis

$75 each or both for $125
Clem and Beverly 555-2431

October 10, 2009


Need holes dug?

Joe Maglio 555-9995

October 9, 2009


Gervin Phelps (1902-2009)

Mr. Phelps passed away early Friday morning of an apparent raccoon overdose. Was one of the original members of the musical group The Yats Wuestling Experience; self-proclaimed "Godfather of coal"; married to his job (1939-1945), divorced, May 1945 for attending a meeting wearing two belts and no pants.

Funeral services, October 11 at 6:30 p.m. then it's off to Benny Q's for $1 beer night.

Home for sale

1 BR

* Minor roof damage
* Used in the filming of the 2005 documentary Now Something Else Crawled out of my Ear

Open house - October 17, 1:00 p.m. - 4:00 p.m.
260 Possum Trace, Kaynesport

October 8, 2009


Ugg's Bar & Grill
Grand re-opening

"We got rid of the fire ant hills, ya'll!"

October drink specials

* $2 shots of Ernie's Elbow Juice
* "Schnapps Hose Fridays"
* Ceiling Drip: $1 per gulp

Live music

- Mookie and the Crawfish - every Saturday in October/November

- Forehead - October 16-17
- House band Water Fountain Gum (every night on the graham cracker stage)

** Plus **

October 24 - 1st annual Ugg's Wet House Coat Contest

Ugg's - 175 Rainbow Way, Plumptin

For sale


Guys Named Rodney (January, 2002; May, 2002)
Cuticle Collector (November, 1997)
Bean Beat (Garbanzo pin-up: February, 2006)

$8 each
Joan 555-6652

October 7, 2009

For sale


1989 Febbers LE

* Missing front

Special items free with purchase:

- March, 2008 issue of Ice Cube Sports magazine
- Tr'Von, age 4

Andrew 555-0918

Pet personal ad

SBD, age 2. Looking for a nice, young canine who loves eating/throwing up Christmas ornaments and whose not afraid to crawl underneath the couch and tinkle.

Breath must smell like tuna or worse.

Max box 31997

October 6, 2009

For hire

Advice Man

"If you had taken my advice you wouldn't be reading this ad."

* Don't pour salad dressing into your sneakers
* A sneeze guard is not a suggestion
* If you're going to climb into the washing machine, make sure you know how to get out
* Don't glue blades of grass to your neck tie
* You lick it, you buy it

Call for rates and availability
Jerry 555-2118

October 5, 2009

Casting call

The Dertherwood Theater Company is looking for actors and actresses to audition for the following roles in our upcoming play, Give 'em hell, Takahasha!:

- Vice Principal Takahasha
- Beatrice, the seasoned salt shaker of wisdom
- Mr. Yips
- Murray, pinching champion
- Akari
- Chongo the talking eggplant
- Bernie Jr.
- Dream Olin
- Evil Akari

** We're also looking for anyone who knows how to talk a man out of a chimney **

Auditions will be held October 19-22 from 6:00 p.m. - 10:00 p.m. at Dertherwood's


Single men seek lopsided women for fun in the mud

* Must have both elbows
* Access to leaf blower a plus


October 4, 2009

For sale

Used reference books

* The History of Uncooked Bacon (1960-1989)
* Encyclopedia of Delayed Airline Flights-Volume 5
* Greer's Law Books: Penguin Possession
* Pickpocket's Almanac
* Illustrated History of the Frown

$10 each
Harriet 555-1317


Corkscrew's Italian Eatery
Staff meeting

On the agenda:

* A canoli is not a weapon
* There's no such thing as "Bring your Grandmother to Work Day"
* Whoever is bringing in pillow cases and using them for to-go food, please stop

October 7, 3:00 p.m.

October 3, 2009

Car for sale

1992 Bonch Dazzle-JE

* Honorable mention at 2002 Windshield Toss

Items in glove compartment (free with purchase):

- It's Beginning to look a lot like January (DJ Tinkle remix) cassette tape
- 1/2 grilled cheese sandwich
- Plastic cup of old mustaches

Randall 555-9716

For sale


- Pair of limited edition Bobby Feathers
- Come with house

* Call within the next 24 hours and receive a free copy of Yuni Franklin's new book The Man in the Mashed Potato Mask autographed by my neighbor, Sal

Vernon 555-3440

October 2, 2009


The new APBL (Aging Persons Basketball League) season is right around the corner.

"The roof's the limit!"

10 teams spread throughout the metro area:

- Blubbserville Bobcats
- Kaynesport Clumps of Something
- Restricted Area 3
- Shonsen City Rockets
- Shrimpsburg Slows
- Clumptown Astros
- Ernieville Torpedos
- West Dylan Wheeze
- Plumptin Possums
- Wortmen Ninnys

Exciting features no other basketball league can offer:

* 'Bring Your Goldfish to the Arena' Thursdays
* Backboards made of broccoli

And come help us celebrate opening night, October 23 at Robert L. Morwood Memorial Gynasium

7:00 p.m. - Welcome address from commissioner Rory Rainbow
7:45 p.m. - Chicken pot pie launch
7:55 p.m. - National anthem performed by pop sensation Nevada
8:05 p.m. - Ceremonial first tip by Gary Germaine, creator of the award-winning reality TV show Get my Momma to Church!
8:10 p.m. - Tip-off: Blubbserville vs. Shrimpsburg
10:30 p.m. - Wheelbarrow service begins at northwest end of arena

October 1, 2009

For sale

Old signs

"Beware of Half-man/Half-tomato"
"Crossing Guard Crossing"
"Re-elect Martha Bannister for Chairman of Hugs"
"Exit here for Spinach"

$2 each

Robert 555-8110


Between the Lines book club
October meeting

Books to discuss:

* You Can't Take that Mud With You - Carlton Richard
* Photographic History of Humans Conversing with Rabbits - Chocolate House Publishing
* Sandwiches I've yet to Finish - Penelope Arnold

Frozen thousand island dressing cubes: Harry

October 4, 6:00 p.m. at the Kaynesport Ave. Discount Books