May 31, 2013

Item found

A few weeks ago I found a brown hair piece. It fits really good on my head. Really, really good.

But it belongs with its rightful owner.

If it's yours, give me a call.

Juan  555-3308

May 30, 2013

Item found

Wrist band

I found this outside Club Nose earlier this evening.

It's got a little bit of barbecue sauce on it, but the club doesn't close for another two hours, so you could still use it to get back inside.

* I will accept trades for phone numbers (ladies only)

Brendon  555-3392

May 29, 2013

For sale

Dry cleaning bill

* $46.17 due
* I'm standing at the counter at the Kaynesport City Momma's Cleaners in a white t-shirt
* Dry cleaning ticket free with purchase

$35 or best offer
Tim 555-6106

May 28, 2013


Need a seat saved in a movie theater?

Joe Maglio  555-9995

May 27, 2013

For sale

Fishing equipment

Tackle box
* Includes 1/2 turkey sandwich


* Over 30 available
* Sold as a group or individually

Salt water

* Fresh ocean water or deck water available
* Available in eight-ounce plastic bags or frozen into ice cubes

Call for pricing list
Dale  555-2919

May 26, 2013


I'm looking to buy one sleeve from a grey sweatshirt.

Will pay upwards of $4, or if interested, the equivalent in toll booth receipts.

Roger  555-4499

May 25, 2013


Upcoming competitive eating contests at Alhumbra County Fairgrounds

June 22 - Baseball batting gloves
July 6 - Expired driver's licenses of all people with last names from A-H in the West Plumptin phone book
August 20 - Harvey Bingham's driveway
October 3 - Past eating contest judge's name plates
October 12 - Photographs of hot dogs

Call 555-6092 for tickets

May 24, 2013


Tired of sneezing and hiccuping? Do you just wish someone could do those things for you?

Give me a call.

Sneezes: $3 each
Hiccups: $.75 each

Harold  555-7116

* Call within the next 30 minutes and receive one free cough from my brother, Dwight *

May 22, 2013

For sale

Photograph of my nephew, Deandre hitting a single in his little league game

* From a May 3rd game, top of the fourth inning

$ 4 or best offer
Renee  555-2988

May 21, 2013


I'm having a party on Saturday, June 1st and spots are still available for the right families.

Schedule of events:

12:00 p.m. - 1:15 p.m. - Point at things
1:30 p.m. - 3:30 p.m. - Bobbing for Ice Cubes (two rounds, winner gets remaining ice cubes)
3:45 p.m. - 4:00 p.m. - Let's call a guy named Barry
4:10 p.m. - 7:00 p.m. - Find the sunflower seed
7:15 p.m. - 11:00 p.m. - Party award ceremony

Awards to give out

* Weakest Wrists
* Worst-Smelling Hair (males)
* Least-liked kid
* Worst-Smelling Hair (females)

Reserve your spot by May 27
Carlton  555-1109

May 20, 2013

For sale

Reality TV shows on DVD

* Hedge Trimming With The Stars - season 5
* Get My Momma To Church! - season 9 reunion special
* Bus Stop: Minneapolis

$8 each
Brendon  555-8817

May 19, 2013


Adopt-a-railroad track

We adopted a portion of the railroad tracks in downtown Kaynesport about a year ago and it hasn't quite worked out. Perhaps all it needs is a fresh start with a new family.

* Close proximity to Sand Route 9 *

Adoption price: $35
Carla & Mel  555-9123

May 18, 2013


In a fast food line and need someone to collect your change and hand it to you?

Joe Maglio  555-9995

May 17, 2013

For rent

Halibut bone

* Hundreds of uses
* Contains some halibut

Randy  555-3551

May 16, 2013


I'll pay for any bugs that may have gotten into your house: dead or alive.

Wendy  555-3449

May 15, 2013


Looking for a place to sleep?

I've got an adult sleeping bag (green) and I'm about to call it a night.

Plenty of room for one more.

* Other half of a roast beef sandwich available for the right person
* Call in the next 30 minutes to book a spot in the sleeping bag and receive two free hugs (ladies only)

Henry  555-1110

May 14, 2013

May 13, 2013


At the bar the other morning I asked a number of times if you could give me a ride home, offering the rest of the honey mustard dressing from my fingers if you would.

I noticed you couldn't take your eyes off of me.

Which of my nostrils was blood coming out of, my right or left?

Kirby  555-8006

May 12, 2013

Public Service Announcement

Save the kernels: help us keep them un-popped.

Call 555-4885 to find out how you can help

May 11, 2013


Advice lady for hire

* Making an ice cream sundae out of a molehill
* Don't brush your teeth with olive oil
* Don't paint your house with thousand island dressing
* What not to shout at an elementary school band recital
* Taking a wet-dry vacuum in to the shower

Call for rates and availability
Cathy  555-2888

May 10, 2013


I will take any unwanted mice for no charge.

Darren  555-2229

May 9, 2013

For sale


* Some front-end damage
* Used in the production of the 2011 play Orthodontist on the Roof

$700 or best offer
Cal 555-0017

May 8, 2013

For sale

Plastic spoon collection

* Over 250 *

- 7% of the spoons contain some portion of pasta noodle; 11% contain corn juice

$100 for entire lot or $5 each for sets of five
Kurt  555-3232

May 7, 2013

For sale

Two tickets to Sandpaper On Ice

* Soy sauce pit
* Good for May 9 matinee
* Phone number for Beth Pelky and napkin it's written on free with purchase

$40 for the pair
Dedrick  555-0031

May 6, 2013

For sale

Cheese sandwich

* Contains 22% more mustard than any other sandwich in my neighborhood, according to a poll taken earlier today
* Interesting trades for drawings of cheese sandwiches considered

Erwin  555-7883

May 5, 2013


Need eyeglasses looked out of?

Prescription: $8/half hour
Non-prescription: $10 flat rate

Joe Maglio  555-9995

May 4, 2013


A Novel Concept book club
May meeting

Books to discuss:

* Idiot's Guide to Making Chocolate Milk
* Charlie's Lab Partner, Kenneth and the Wide Ruled Notebook Factory
* Book of Hedgehog Names: Girls

May 7, 7:00 p.m. at Lori & Blaine's condo

May 3, 2013


Sit in this chair!

* Includes over 100 leaves for extra-crunchy sitting experience
* Appeared in the hit musical Chair (August-December, 1997)
* Special appearance by an end table

Three nights only!
May 4-6 (1:00 p.m.-7:00 p.m. each night) at Kaynesport Fairgrounds

May 2, 2013

For sale

Psychiatric bill

* $435 owed
* I'm at Dr. Carla Baldwin's office on 11th Street in downtown Kaynesport. I'll be wearing a blue t-shirt and jeans and be yelling "over here, over here" while making the 'crazy' circles by my head with my finger.

Garrett  555-4040

May 1, 2013

For rent


* White w/five medium-sized hot sauce stains
* Used by Lyle Polk for his "I Have A Bean" speech (March, 2011)

Dorothy Polk  555-3449