December 31, 2008


Tonight at 8:00, it's A Cookin' New Years Eve

Hosted by John Plum and Sissy Paddock

Special musical guest Lil' Pipsqueak

Brought to you by:

Blast! Cola (c) 2008

L'Sha Empanadas (c) 2008

Starts at 8:00 p.m., following the season finale of Will you go with my Daughter to the Prom? on WDER

December 30, 2008

For sale


Munster Cheese
(May, 2007; July, 2007)
Whining & Pouting (August, 2001; September, 2001)
Mailman Tackler (April, 2008; August, 2008; January, 2008)

$7 each
Reynaldo 555-3448

December 29, 2008

Bobby Mondays


Plow/shovel man for hire

"I'll plow your drive way or shovel your front lawn or around your pool. Anywhere there's snow, I'll be there. Or my assistant, Pete, will be there."

- Grant Milsap, owner

Also specialize in:

* The 1985 Kansas City Royals

Call for prices
Grant 555-1105



Happy Birthday, Santa
Edgar & Sandeep Cash in a Scratch-off Lottery Ticket

$2 each
Cindy 555-7018

December 28, 2008


WDER TV presents A Cookin' New Years Eve

Hosted by John Plum and Sissy Paddock


-- Len Bergeron, Kaynesport Times

8:00 p.m. - Live in concert: Robby Chestnut
9:00 p.m. - John & Sissy hug it out
10:00 p.m. - Countdown to 10:30
10:30 p.m. - Looking back: 2008's Standers & Sitters
11:30 p.m. - Midnight countdown begins

12:00 a.m. - Cantaloupe drop and a live performance by Ernie Copper and the Coreys

Join us New Years Eve for all the fun!


Kaynesport ch. 17
Goober City ch. 29

Thoughts for sale

After Christmas specials!!

All thoughts 60% off
(now through December 31)

- Pastrami
- Since when do I have an Uncle Mel?
- Willie Ames
- What is that red thing on my right index finger?
- I give up a game-winning home run to Pete Incaviglia in the bottom of the 9th inning of the seventh game of the World Series. We meet up afterwards and go to Burger King.

and more!

Call for prices
Hetty 555-7100

December 27, 2008

TV listings

Feathers TV
Saturday lineup


Shueburg at Tettleburo - 6:00 p.m.
After Ernie Benson Stadium hosted the 4th annual Salami Convention, the Centipedes finally return home following a three-week road trip. Expansion Shueburg has won four consecutive games but will be without manager Tom Pipgras, whose wife gave birth to an eight-year old (Thomas Jr.).


The Real Desk Clerks of the San Malingos Public Library - 8:30 p.m.

Dottie shushes a noisy patron, while Francene loses a contact lens in Non Fiction.

Make me a Tuna Fish Sandwich! - 9:00 p.m.

Dexter forgets to take off the crust.

LATE NIGHT MOVIE - 10:00 p.m.

Nerdy Dancing

6:05 a.m. - The Cauliflower Hour with Murton Shouse

December 26, 2008

For sale

Christmas tree

Plastic; about 6 feet, 4 inches.

* Two presents still underneath (Aunt Marsha)
* Was inspiration for wine-induced duets of O Christmas Tree - 2005, 2006, 2008

Diane 555-6210

(Two pairs)

Reindeer heads with glowing, red noses on each sock

$3 per pair

** Interesting trades considered **

Jimmy 555-4404

December 25, 2008

December 24, 2008

Holiday parties

Grumson, Linus & Nultz Law Offices
2008 Holiday party


8:00 p.m. - Pin the tail on Mr. Dolan from circulation
9:00 p.m. - Photo Copy our Privates
9:25 p.m. - Let's get Sheldon Baker drunk

10:00 p.m. - Awards Ceremony

- First to stage
- Bossiest wife
- Fat ankle trophy

11:30 p.m. - 15th annual Snow Shovel your way to the Parking Lot (Weather Permitting).

December 27 @ Nunch Valley Ballroom

December 23, 2008

Car for sale

1979 Berchmont Glitter LE

439,000 miles

* AM/some FM radio
* Lots of storage space in trunk
* Bowl of chicken soup in front passenger seat still warm and tasty
* Doors not included
* Used in 1982 movie Jim & Martha Drive to Houston

Martha 555-6681

December 22, 2008

Christmas Classifieds


From the people who brought you It's Easter Meester, stuff your stocking with the brand-new Christmas album, Turtle Doves & Reindeer Love

Check out new holiday hits like:

Up on the Meth House Top
Yellow Frosty
Grandpa got into the tree water (again)
I saw Mommy kissing Trevor's Mommy

Call 555-1002 to order your copy today!


Bulk mistletoe

Tony 555-1991

WDER Holiday Classics
Christmas Day - 8:00 p.m.

Larry, the least-famous Reindeer of all

For sale


Clump County Vipers cap w/Kaz Hiroki autograph. Fudge stain under bill (Hiroki's) - $20
Vinyl record albums - $5 each
* The Mossy People, I think we may have missed the Exit
* Patty Gerald, Love and Mayonnaise
Dennis Haskins bobblehead dolls - 2 for $5

Chuck 555-3995

December 21, 2008

House for rent

** 2 BR dream house in the heart of the aardvark district **

- Once owned by R&B singer Lil' Pipsqueak
- Front door/windows coming May, 2009
- Used in the filming of the 1986 movie What's That Smell?

$300 per month
Samantha and Jerry 555-8018

December 20, 2008


Langston & Associates
Attorneys at Law

"Isn't it about time it is what it is?"

* Sideburn discrimination
* Calculator violence
* Aunt/Uncle repossession
* Rhinoceros neglect
* Wrongful sweater shopping
* Goldfish custody

Free consultations/toasted bread

December 19, 2008


Friends of Mort Kellog Society
December meeting

On the agenda:

- Mort's new jogging suit
- Who is picking up Mort's mother-in-law at the bus station tomorrow?
- Mort's old jogging suit
- Should Mort have been first chair trumpet in the Chester High School jazz band?

2:30 p.m. at Keondre's town house

Cheese logs: Patricia

Police report

Ernie Herzog

Age: 38
Pants: yes
Beer in pocket: Two 16 oz. cans of Busch Light

December 18
: Mr. Herzog was taken into custody late Thursday night after refusing to remove his parachute in a government building.

Previous arrests:

July, 2007: Arrested for driving under the influence of spicy mustard.

October, 2003: Taken into custody for impersonating a wall clock. Police found the disgruntled Herzog in the den of his home, refusing to acknowledge Daylight Savings Time.


December 18, 2008


Thick-Head Club
January meeting

Topics to discuss:

~ We don't need directions to get where we're going
~ 2008 Head Butt Games aftermath: What happened to Corey's toupee?
~ Stop ordering shellfish at Popeyes

January 7, 7:30 p.m.
Chancey Apartments gazebo

Pepperoni sticks: Kendall

Thursday TV listings

WDER TV's Thursday lineup

Exciting MSAA action!

Proom City at District 12 - 6:00 p.m.
Kip Baker and Stretch Cavanaugh on the call as the Bandits try to put an end to a 53-game road losing streak dating back to 1987. They'll be without suspended slugger Zan Franco (uneven sideburns).


Turtleneck Swap - 8:30 p.m.
Someone spills grape jelly on Todd's turtleneck. Plus: The house mates turn on Fat Neck Glen

Who wants to marry my daughter?
- 9:00 p.m.
Nancy finds a pimple and Father Sanderson refuses to wear pants again.

Build me a sand castle! - 9:30 p.m.
Grandpa Louis swallows too much sand.

- 10:00 p.m.

Did I Hear You Sneeze?

5:10 a.m. - The Jesus Minute with Reverend Donnie Craig


Need to distract a group of pigeons?

Joe Maglio 555-9995

December 17, 2008

Want Ads

Air guitarist looking to form band

I played some classical growing up, but now I rock the bass guitar on a nightly basis. Sold out six consecutive shows in my basement (July 2005). I'm looking for people who want to play pure rock & roll and blow some minds.


- Lead air guitar: Looking for a real teeth clenching wild man here. Lot of emotion.

* Making good guitar sounds with your mouth a plus.

- Air drummer. Only the best of the best need apply. We're talking Keith Moon, but in a Corolla, banging on the steering wheel.

- Air congo drummer. Big, long solos with your eyes closed the entire time. Plan on having your mouth open through most of our live acts.

Other needs: roadies; van

Auditions now through February 1

Demond 555-7734

For sale

Brand-new $20 bill

Chip 555-1342

December 16, 2008


Pincher's Anonymous
2009 Retreat

February 13-15

On the agenda:

** Kayak down Pinch Creek
** Which cheeks to pinch and when
** BREAK OUT GROUP SESSION: Perfect Pinching Practice Makes Perfect

$700 per person

Pryor-Rich Resort & Day Spa, Cole County
Info: 555-3328

* Please, no electronic pinchers on the retreat.

December 15, 2008

For sale


Crawling Around (February, 2000; March, 2000)
Landlord (November, 2005; December, 2005; February, 2006)
Hub Cap Quarterly (May, 2004; August, 2004)

$5 each
Paul 555-8102

December 14, 2008

Police report

Otto Morris
Age: not given
Pants: no

December 13: Arrested for throwing chicken cutlets on the highway, a class D felony in Kaynesport City.

Previous arrests:

November, 2007: While on foot, taken into custody for following too closely to a pigeon. Claimed the pigeon was "walking funny".

January, 2001: Arrested with two others for conspiracy to commit fraud at an A.C. Slater look-alike contest.

June, 1999: Arrested at a karaoke competition for Murder 1 (Fleetwood Mac song).


December 13, 2008


Trying to get to the next floor? Get on an elevator.

* Take it to any floor: 4th, 9th, 11th...even the 14th floor.
* Play fun games, like:

Press all the buttons; get off at 2nd floor
Emergency Button Press
Racquetball Chase

See what others are saying about taking the elevator:

You know, not everyone can jump from floor to floor; I know I can't. With the elevator I can relax and pick the floor I want to go to.

- Jessica Evans

When that door closes, baby, it's party time!

- Corey Blaine

So jump on board and take the elevator. There's no telling where you'll end up.

[Paid for by the People Who Point At Elevators]

December 12, 2008


Dylan County 8th grade football
Post-season banquet


7:00 p.m. - Return helmet, shoulder pads
7:30 p.m. - Coach Garfunkel: "The importance of staying in bounds"
8:15 p.m. - Awards presentation

- Big Ear Award
- Worst Fumble
- Chubbiest

10:00 p.m. - Dancing to the 70s

December 14 at the Henry Piso Banquet Hall - 555-6661

December 11, 2008

For sale

Fall baseball team
Clearance sale

Right-handed pitchers
Joel ... $7
D'Rontavius ... $9

Second basemen

JaColby ... $12
JaColby's little brother, Sam (not on team) ... $7
Tanner ... $6

Outfield grass ... $4 per barrel

Coach Baker 555-8063


Pippen Sanchez autographed baseball - $110

Trey 555-4008

For sale


Power bill


- due December 27

$30 or best offer
Randy 555-7221

December 10, 2008


Christmas Caroling Planning Committee (CCPC)
Emergency meeting

Who's lip syncing?

December 11, 1:00 p.m.

Pet personal ads


SBWC, age 9. When I see a bird, I eat it.

Morris box 235

I don't have all of my whiskers, but I still know how to have a good time.

*Must have bad breath.

Trudy box 701


STC, age 5. I've got my own house and my own bed with a towel. I can smell my own poo or your poo; whatever makes you happy. Good listener.

Lenny box 386

December 9, 2008

For sale


Edgar & Sandeep File a Tax Return
Thursday, 2
He Smelled Me, Lionel

$5 each or all 3 for $10
Amy 555-3019

December 8, 2008

Meeting posted

The People Under Andrea Fleming's Stairs

December meeting

On the agenda:

* What is that smell?
* Andrea's mother-in-law, Linda's new nose
* 2008 Crawl Space Field Trip: who owes what

December 28, 4:00 p.m.

Celery: Sarah and Paul

December 7, 2008

For sale


Fluoride Enthusiast (April, 2007)
Shoelace (January, 1996; March, 1996)
Kicking & Screaming (October, 2003; November, 2003; May, 2004)

$4 each
Paul 555-8102

December 6, 2008

December 5, 2008

Friday TV listings

FEATHERS TV presents its Friday lineup!


Kaynesport at Ookamondo, 7:00 p.m.

Kip Baker and Stretch Cavanaugh on the call as two division leaders battle for the Old Refried Bean Barrel. Kaynesport pitcher Ernie Sampson is back from suspension (performance-enhancing penguins) and he'll face the powerful Ookamondo lineup, led by 2007 Triple Crown winner Yi Maruki.


Calculator Swap, 8:30 p.m.

Ryan's new calculator doesn't have a 7 and the math students reminisce about last month's Subtraction Olympics.

So, You Wanna Beg for Change, 9:00 p.m.

Chet gets a Canadian quarter.

MOVIE NIGHT - Late night special

Edgar & Sandeep Take a Nap, 11:00 p.m.

Terrible weather in your area: 4:50 a.m.

December 4, 2008

For sale

Tape recorder for sale

* Mint condition *

$700 or best offer

Calvin 555-1771

December 3, 2008

Meeting posted

A Novel Concept book club
Mid-December meeting

Books to discuss:

Never Too Late (Why it's OK to wait a few months to name your baby) - Pauline Braswell
The Illustrated Encyclopedia of Buttered Bread - Chocolate House Publishing

December 16, 7:30 p.m
. at the Manchester Grove apartment complex gazebo

Salami fingers: Fran

December 2, 2008


Looking to get from one floor to another? Take the stairs.

* The #1 mode of transportation inside buildings
* Come in many different colors
* Wear any shoes

See what others are saying about taking the stairs:

"I always use the stairs-it's fun, doesn't cost anything and you can go up or down, and if you want, back up!"

- Maryanne Dilworth, Kaynesport

"I stopped taking elevators. I don't need them, I found the stairs!"

- Ed Dandridge, Jasper City

"The stairs are like, so 2008."

- Candice Timmons, Plumptin

Join the new wave of getting from one floor to another and find a staircase near you!

December 1, 2008

For sale


With our struggling economy, now is the time to take advantage of my closet-wide clearance sale and stock up on some of the season's hottest sleeves.

Price list:

Sweatshirt sleeves - $5 each
T-shirt sleeves - 3 for $5
Jacket sleeves (*very rare*) - $10 each

Jack 555-6262

Thoughts for sale

I've got to unload some more of my thoughts. Find one that's right for you.

- I don't understand banana peppers.
- I save one of Wayne Gretzky's slap shots, he skates up to me and says "nice save". We become best friends and rent a two-bedroom apartment.
- Herbert Edelman
- In Teen Wolf, how many rebounds did Chubbs get in the championship game?
- I'm on the roof, how did I get up here, how do I get down?

$10 each
Danny 555-8108