Services

Need someone pushed out of the way?


Joe Maglio 555-9995

Services

Enik, Fielder & Roberson Law Offices

"We put the 'aw' back in 'law offices'"


* Cruelty to phone books
* Impersonating a police motorcycle
* Wrongful fork massaging
* P.U.I. (plubbering under the influence)
* Receiving stolen toast
* Goldfish taunting
* Wheelbarrow foreclosure


Call for rates and availability
555-4632

For sale

Teeth

* Human, dog available


$1 each
Brendon  555-6122

Meetings

A Novel Concept book club
April meeting


Books to discuss:

* Hedge Trimming, Interrupted - Corrine Agular
* Idiot's Guide To Moving Out Of The Way - Ed. Thomas Lyle
* I Name My Wrist Hairs Now - Gerald Twoll Jr.


April 5, 4:00 p.m. at Gwen's condo

Services

Psychiatrist for hire

"Let's slice a piece of crazy out of your forearm"

* The voices inside your wrist watch
* "I hate my daughter's cursive 'r'"
* Extension cord tattoo regret
* Excessive air pinching
* Fear of talking envelopes
* "I make beef stew, then I pour it into my slippers"


Call for rates and availability
Candace 555-8179

For sale

Vinyl record singles


Lawnmowin' With The Devil - Vince Haley
I Saw Mommy Shaving Santa Claus - Peggy Cliff
The Skin Infection From New York City - Mossy People
Fork Lift To Heaven - The Ernies


$4 each
Bob 555-2323

For hire

Human umbrella for hire


"I'll walk next to you on the street and/or sidewalk and cover you with my arms".

- Jason


(Jason)  555-4291

Announcements

The Brewer County 35+ baseball team has been selected!


2011 roster:

* returning player


1. Jablonski Tershaw
2. Walter Ku*
3. C'rshon Addelsby
4. Salami Martin
5. Lewis Derwood*
6. Wilmer Ku*
7. Noodles Murdock
8. Miles Pershack
9. Orson Bittles
10. Esteban Quinones
11. Kurtis Christmas*
12. Mookie Morris*
13. Mariano Mejia
14. Zaquavius Bimley*
15. Schlofko


First practice: April 3, 6:00 p.m. at Field 8

Services

Advice Lady for hire


* Don't pour nail polish remover on your pasta
* You sneeze on it, you buy it
* Wearing a neck tie into the shower
* You can't take an ice cream scooper to a gun fight
* Don't wash your car with soy sauce
* Don't make a garden salad out of a molehill


Call for rates and availability
Heather 555-8817

Public Service Announcement

Meetings

What the Book? reading group
Spring meeting


Books to discuss:

* Of Lice and Many Many Men - Nikita Swain
* The Idiot's Guide to the Fork - Ed. Patty Paulsen


March 24, 5:00 p.m. at Ernie & Janet's townhouse

For sale

2011 calendars

Wall

* Girls of Pointing at Lettuce Magazine
* 12 Months of Water Fountains (missing June)
* Singing wall calendar (includes international hits "Why Lie, it's July" and "Is it October Yet?")

Desk

* 365 Days of Cabbage
* Jeremy Lindon Fact-a-Day (2010)


$4 each
Penny  555-9927

TV listings

Check out WMOR's new Monday schedule!


REALITY TV

Convenience Store - 8:00 p.m.
Laphonso's managerial skills are put to the test when a customer asks where are the corn chips.

Knitting With The Stars - 9:00 p.m.
Darryl and singer Peggy Cliff's sweater impresses the judges, while Vanessa and football player Tayshon Adler misinterpret a popcorn stitch and accidentally make Christmas tree decorations.

America's Got Dandruff - 10:00 p.m.
Lauren is caught stealing the dandruff off Ronald's shoulder and team 6 has to spend a night in the shampoo pits.



LATE-NIGHT MOVIE - 11:00 p.m.

Slippered Man Walking



6:10 a.m. - Kenny and Marjorie Sing the News

Meetings

Krayton Middle School
Faculty meeting


On the agenda:

* Spelling tests can no longer include curse words
* A field trip to the tattoo parlor is not educational
* To yearbook supervisor Mrs. McCarthy: no matter how many photos are sent, there's no such thing as the tongue ring club


March 21, 7:00 a.m. in the teacher's lounge

Announcements

Ernie County Jaguars youth basketball
Postseason team banquet - March 26 at Derwood Ballroom


6:55 p.m. - National anthem performed by Celery Sock Revival
7:10 p.m. - Speech by coach Baker: "Some of you will not be welcomed back next season"
8:00 p.m. - Dinner

* Lettuce
* Water

9:00 p.m. - Awards ceremony

- Ugliest legs
- Worst free throw
- Most annoying grandmother
- 2011 Falldown Award

10:00 p.m. - Let's hide assistant coach Dunbar's car keys
10:10 p.m. - Silent auction benefiting the S.R.A.S.A. (Society to Raise Awareness of Silent Auctions)

11:30 p.m. - Begin police escort to bottom floor maintenance closet
12:00 a.m. - Begin police escort to parking lot


Derwood Ballroom - 4503 Harvey Grove Lane, Kaynesport

Services

Need Joe Maglio removed from your front lawn?


Nancy Maglio 555-8885

For sale

Rainbow




* Brand-new
* Pot of mashed potatoes at the end sold separately


$3,000
Robert 555-6211

Meetings

Beefy's Fast Food Hut - Store #128
Staff meeting


On the agenda:

* The customers are not allowed to take home the napkin dispensers
* Please do not perform dental work at the drive thru window


March 18, 11:00 a.m.

Advertisements

For sale

Portions of phone book

* C-J available for Plumptin County
* Free insurance company refrigerator magnet with purchase
* Appeared in the 2011 documentary Calling Mark Henley


$8 or best offer
Maude  555-6460

For sale

Banana piece




$3 or best offer
Kenny 555-7101


* Hurry, Travis is interested *

Police Report

Wilbert Early
Age: 33
Pants: Light brown chorduroy

March 14 - Mr. Early was arrested when he violated his restraining order and came within 500 feet of a giraffe costume.


Previous arrests:

January, 2004 - Possession of over 100 shampoo-filled envelopes with intent to distribute.

March, 1995 - Arrested for refusing to remove his banana peel head dress and mumu in a government building. He was also charged with not exiting his wheelbarrow in a timely manner.



EARLY, WILBERT
Bail: $24

For sale

Landscaping bill

* $74.20 owed
* I'm on my front lawn at 67 Delwood Avenue, Kaynesport, right by the mailbox
* Your choice of either a fire ant hill or clump of grass free with purchase


$60
Thomas 555-6118

For lease

Historic building in downtown Plumptin County is available for lease



Previous inhabitants:

* M.A.T.H. (Mothers Against Teenage Hiccuping) headquarters (2008-2010)
* Museum of Tattered Napkins (2002-2008)
* Raccoon Obedience School (1984-2001)
* We Need a Roof fundraiser (1983-1984)
* Make Your Own Ice Cubes Store (1982-1983)


$83/month
Derwood Reality 555-2323

For sale

Gas cap



* Gas tank, car sold separately
* Interesting trades for rear view mirrors considered


$8
Roy 555-3981

Meetings

Sam's Sub Shop
Staff meeting


On the agenda:

1:00 pm. - 1:15 p.m
The customers are not allowed to use their own bread

1:15 p.m - 1:25 p.m
There's no such thing as a reaching into your pocket tax


March 14

Casting call

The Derwood Playhouse is looking for actors and actresses to audition for the following roles in the upcoming play Regarding Me and Paco.


- Young Paco
- Todd Legler
- Spicy mustard dunk tank operator Clem Murdock
- Dream Beth
- Voice of yodeling cupcake
- Evil Todd
- Earwax The Clown
- Dan: half-man, half-pine cone


* We're also looking for an actor to portray Moses, but in a walrus costume *


Auditions are March 19 from 11:00 a.m. until 6:00 p.m. at Derwood Playhouse: 450 Venley Avenue, Kaynesport

Services

Advice Man for hire


* Don't put ketchup in your ginger ale
* Only wear one pair of pants at a time
* Don't practice the guitar while showering
* You chew it, you buy it


Call for rates and availability
Matthew 555-7672

For sale

Used books


The Adventures of Ernie Peanutbutter (#6: Escape from the Orthodontist) - Valerie Shaw
Murray Wilkins Bible (Funky Testament) - Wilkins Publishing
Birdhouse, Interrupted - Horace Xavier
The Encyclopedia of Deserted Shopping Carts - Chocolate House Publishing


$5 each
Kent 555-4484

Brand-new Bobby T-Shirts™

Morris praying (Celery Sock collection)
T, L, QW, XQW, ZC


$10 each
derwoodmorris@gmail.com to order

Meetings

Henderson High School yearbook staff
March meeting


Items to discuss:

* "Most likely to repeat the 12th grade" is not a senior superlative
* No matter how many times they submit photos, there is no such thing as the Wine Cooler Club


March 8, 3:45 p.m.

Services

Need to coax an old man down from a chandelier?


Joe Maglio 555-9995

Meetings

Kaynesport Elementary School
Faculty meeting


On the agenda:

* A trip to off-track betting is not educational
* Please don't encourage the students to eat chalk
* The firing and de-masking of The Lettuce Avenger/Coach Fleming


March 7, 8:00 a.m. in the lounge

For sale

Pizza crust


* Brown
* Perfect for pizza crust sword fights
* Rest of piece available by request


$2
Marshawn 555-0081

** Hurry, Rick is interested **

Award winner

2011 Build Your Dream House: 11th place

Congratulations to C.J., Joe, Qwayshon and the rest of the team.


- D. Morris

Announcements

The Plumptin Cobras Baseball
Additions to promotional calendar


May 3 - Deodorant Day
May 7 - Bring Your Pelican to the Park
June 18 - Pizza Box Night
July 22 - Mark "Band Aid" Beckley Autographed Band Aid
August 4 - Throw Cabbage at the Manager's Son


Call 555-4401 for tickets

For sale

Ties

- Blue w/soy sauce stains
- Flying tape dispensers
- "Talk to the tie"
- Laughing nostrils (batteries not included)
- Who Won't Drown?! cast head shots (autographed)


$2 each
Greg 555-0081