November 30, 2009


The Pals of Bradley Nelson
December meeting

On the agenda:

* Bradley's 50th birthday party last week: why it was only going to be funny if we pushed him onto his cake after the candles were blown out
* Who wrote in Bradley's 7th grade yearbook "Brad the Booger Man"?
* Bradley Fest 2010: we still need Chipmunk Toss judges & relish for the dunk tank

December 3, 5:00 p.m. at Chan & Beverly's house

November 29, 2009

For sale

Garbanzo beans

Perfect for:

* Head dress for Senor Garbanzo Halloween costume
* Bean toss tournaments

25 for $1
Ralph 555-7441

November 28, 2009

Home for sale


* Once owned by two-time Willie Ames look-alike contest runner-up, Jasper Cole
* Floor made of Munster cheese
* Used in the filming of the 2006 reality TV show Tarantula House

105 Polo-Jickson Circle, Kaynesport
Open house: December 6, 1:30 p.m. - 5:00 p.m.

Personal ads


SWM, age 36. I've perfected my fake sneeze and can use it in any situation.

Ellis box 77221

Single male, age 31. I've been an assistant dairy manager at the 17th street Paymuch grocery store for five years. Looking for a woman who's not afraid to cry over spilled milk.

Darren box 99327


SWF, sweaty and always on the hunt for corn beef. If you've got any corn beef and/or a bus pass, call me.

Sandra box 01457


Single, white snowman; melting.

Roger box 31763

November 27, 2009

Rejected Bobby logos

One of the highlights of 2009 was when the Bobby Classifieds selected its current logo, created by Tommy Odibey. We chose Odibey's logo over dozens that were sent in by readers. Here are the other three finalists that were considered:

Lily Garrison, age 9

J.T. Rhoden, age 17

Kippy McNamara, age 6

November 26, 2009


Plumptin Cobras 7th grade football
Post-season banquet

On the agenda:

7:30 p.m. - Return cleats, tube socks
7:45 p.m. - Coach Reggie's Hour of Disappointed Head Shakes
8:45 p.m. - Awards presentation:

* Wobbliest pass
* Fat ankle trophy
* Smelliest
* Worst punt

10:00 p.m. - Pigeon Auction

December 2 at the Nelson Morris Banquet Hall - 772 Jern-Kelley Blvd, East Plumptin

Door for sale

* White
* Used in the filming of the 1979 movie The Peephole Diaries
* Tree free with purchase

Nadine 555-7814

November 25, 2009

Domain names for sale

I need to unload these domain names. They didn't work for me, maybe they can for you.


Make me an offer
Bobby 555-2323

For sale

Children's toys

Plush dolls

* Rhino Reggie
* Whiny Martha

Rubber meats

* pork chop
* bologna slice (rare)

MURRAY game console

Comes with three games:

* Mashed Potato Man vs. Canada
* Pinch Olympics: Barcelona
* Prison Cafeteria Live 1997

Call for prices
Paul 555-8102


November 24, 2009



The "Butternut Squash Elvis" will be performing his No. 1 international hit I aint no Bowling Pin at the Kaynesport Amphitheatre, January 23-24.

Call 555-3324 for tickets

For lease

Historic building available for lease

Previous occupants:

- Uncle Bo's House of Half-Eaten Raisin Toast (2005-2009)
- Keegan Family Elbow Farm (1998-2005)
- M.A.T.T. (Mothers Against Teenage Tattletailing) headquarters (1997-1998)
- Yogurt Pool Supplies Inc. (1992-1997)
- Sneeze 98.9 FM (1976-1992)
- Buffy and Ty's Edible Ties & Thai Buffet (1974-1976)
- Unibrow Art gallery (1970-1974)
- Greazie/Roundhead-'70 campaign headquarters (summer/fall, 1970)

Open house: November 28, 12:00 p.m. - 5:00 p.m.

November 23, 2009

Glove compartment sale

Everything must go -

* Big toe w/chipped, yellow nail polish - $6
* Old insurance cards:

- 1972 Fingerscross (rare) - $25
- All others - 15 for $1 or .10 each

* Unidentified blueish-orange clump on paper towel - $12
* Paper towel - $1
* Half roast beef sandwich - $7
* CDs:

- I saw Mommy Tazering Santa Claus, Peggy Cliff
- Tree (looks like it's shady), Vito McNamara

* 1992 Lhint Glimmer, ZE

- 277,000 miles
- Dead parakeet melted to inside of back windshield
- Glove compartment items sold seperately

Eugene 555-7121


Kaynesport News-Messenger
Emergency staff meeting

Items to discuss:

* There's no such thing as "Bring your Doberman to work day"
* Daily coffee break reminder: white out is not a suitable substitute for creamer
* The obituary page is not for house plants

November 25, 5:00 p.m.

November 22, 2009

For hire


** For a limited time, available for crumb testing & cat pokes/pinches **

Acceptable methods of payment:

- Balloon earthworms
- Noodle Paco plush dolls

Call 555-1002

Husband for sale

Age: 47

Favorite activity: salvaging spilled mustard
Sleeps: in the bathtub
Pets: bobcat (Steve); photograph of a hamster (Juju)
Imaginary friend as a child: Robot Ron

* Appeared in the 1993 TV documentary Field of Genes

$140 or best offer
Claire 555-4301

November 21, 2009

For sale


Fingernail pieces

* Over 1,500 pieces
* Four special edition (with purple bruise/barbeque sauce clump)

Cat whisker art

* "Needle in a Haystack" - Patty Shane
* "Pile of Cat Whiskers" - J.T. Lemond

Autographed napkins

* The original Salamander Boy, Mars Wheatley
* Former National Shimples League Diminisher, Niles Powe
* Five-time Warthog Toss champion, Jennifer Yu

Call for price list
Doug 555-8819

November 20, 2009

For sale


Guns & Omelets (January, 1988)
Clipboard Enthusiast (special holiday issue: December, 2003)
Hiccup Sports for Kids (February, 1991; March, 1991)

$4 each
Vince 555-8172

November 19, 2009

Letter from the editor

I'll be the first to admit, Lettuce Sports did not take off like we thought it would. At this point, the 2012 Olympics appear to be wishful thinking. Also, please stop mailing us thumbs; the contest ended November 3.

- DM

November 18, 2009


Visit Derwoodia

"We were 'it' before it was what it is."

* Over 700,000 acorns
* Site of the 1991 and 1995 Raccoon Olympics
* Plenty of great fishing spots where you can catch Boogerfish, Kneecap, Freshwater Ernie and more
* Used in the filming of the 2006 reality TV show Insult Island

Call 555-2219 for more information or to book your next island getaway

Chair for sale

* Winning chair in 1989 Musical Chairs Southeast Regional Final (Ernie Shane Jr.)
* Used in the filming of the 2002 documentary A Bear Named Claire Ate My Chair
* House free with purchase

Rob & Vivian 555-6601

November 17, 2009

Special offer

Looking to fill the stocking of someone special this holiday season? Try Derwood-brand jelly beans.

Hundreds of flavors to choose from, including:

* Bruzzleberry
* Soy Sauce
* Grandpa Slipper
* Cabbage
* Zubblezerry  
* Napkin
* Betweentoes
* Hermet Crab
* Sideburn Surprise
* Milk


Stockings: 2 for $1

Derwood Jelly Bean Company
Call 555-1717 to order

November 16, 2009

For sale

Vinyl record albums

I Shaved my Stomach for This? - Nancy Woolard
Waiter, There's a Pair of Shorts in my Soup - The Murrays
Call the Pinch Police, Volume 2 - Jarret James (featuring Lil' Poppy Seed)

$8 each
Lauren 555-4455

November 15, 2009

For sale

Gum wrapper collection

* Over 450 wrappers

$100 or best offer
Randy 555-6883


Gus' Guns and Range
Grand re-opening

* Special condiment rifles: spicy mustard, ranch dressing and Gus Sauce now available
* Children shoot free Wednesdays

Enjoy our brand-new food court

- Featuring Abigale's famous Rooster Mush
- B.Y.O.S. (bring your own silverware)

Gus' - 550 Leyland Lane, Kaynesport

November 14, 2009

For sale


* Blinking Nostrils
* Lavender
* Fettuccine Man
* Flying Cantaloupes
* Red (w/talking mustache)
* Iguana Steve (green)
* Teeth row

$8 each
Wendell 555-1160

November 13, 2009


Gas & Stop - Store #518
Staff meeting

Items to discuss:

* Please stop accepting used dental floss at currency
* If they bite it they bought it
* There's no such thing as a "give a penny take a burrito" tray
* Next week's Bring Your Grandfather's Friend to Work Day has been cancelled

November 15, 3:30 p.m.

November 12, 2009


J.P. Poppadapolis
aka "Lumpy Pete"

* Wanted for kidnapping an elderly woman and her parakeet and forcing the woman to brush her teeth with a stalk of celery and maple syrup while the bird watched. Also, wanted on suspicion of P.U.I (plubbering under the influence) and failing to remove his Belly Button Boy pajamas and watermelon slippers in a government building.

Any information, please contact the Kaynesport Sheriff's Department: 555-3441

For sale

Bedroom-wide sale: everything must go!


* "Help Bring Lettuce Sports to the 2024 Olympics"
* I was whatever!
* Maroon (with horseradish stain on right sleeve)

$7 each
Lance  555-6627

November 11, 2009

For sale

The Bobby Classifieds mansion

- Take a dip in the mustard pool with the world-famous Girls of Caterpillar Fancy Magazine
- Famous former residents: Dan Corley, "The Plastic Possum King" and Mark Holton look-alike contest runner-up, Whit Blakely
- Used in the filming of the hit 2008 reality TV show We're Living in the Bathtub!

** Ceiling fan to be installed August, 2011 **

Call 555-2323 for tour schedules

For hire


Acceptable methods of payment:

* Banana oatmeal
* Leaves
* Balloon salamanders

Call 555-4226 for rates and availability

November 10, 2009


Tooshville Pirates winter league baseball
Team meeting

On the agenda:

* It's not a good idea to eat the outfield grass
* Why we can have 13 fielders only during practice
* The whereabouts of assistant coach, Rory
* For our next game, please wear pants and stirrups, not just stirrups

November 12, 1:00 p.m. at the field house

November 9, 2009


Sh'Montae's Pawn Shop
Grand opening!

"The pawn shop for yesterday, today. And quite possibly, tomorrow."

We buy:

* Gum wrapper art
* Autographed neck fat
* Vintage sideburns
* Aunts/uncles under 5-11
* Pinkies
* Grapefruit earmuffs
* Used envelopes
* Dr. Lettuce Halloween costumes

Sh'Montae's - 810 Lump Street, South Plumptin

House for sale

1 BR
1/2 DOOR

* "all" holes to be filled by April, 2010
* used in the filming of the hit reality TV show Kevin House

Open house: Saturday, November 14 from 1:30 p.m. - 4:00 p.m.
255 O'Day Crossing, Kaynesport

November 8, 2009

For sale

Plastic fork collection

* Over 150 *

- Brand-new collection of used forks available
- Interesting trades for plastic spoons considered

$75 or best offer
Kurt 555-3232

For sale


Remaining Georges Together (September, 2004; January, 2005)
Eyelash Trader (July, 2000; November, 2000)
Elbow Fancy (May, 1995; June 1995)

$4 each
George 555-9772

November 7, 2009

For sale

Vinyl record singles

I'm All Out of Hugs - Barry James
Pinch and Pout - R9
I Want to Hold Your Ham - The Parsnips

$5 each
Barbara 555-2440

For sale


- Used in the filming of the 2002 science fiction thriller The Point Guard With Three Mouths Ate the Referees! starring J.J. Nettles
- Lawnmower bag free with purchase (includes big toe fragments, grass & mouse tail pieces)

Ike 555-8080

November 6, 2009


Lindo, Trottinger & Delwood

"Maybe 'it' isn't what it is until you say so. But maybe not."

* Resisting Celestes
* Pine cone neglect
* P.U.I. (pinching under the influence)
* Embezzling fudge
* Cheetah ear possession with intent to distribute
* Pistachio profiling
* Misappropriation of Ernies

Call for hourly rates

November 5, 2009

Dog for hire


Available for:

* Sneeze critique
* Poo bargaining
* Seminar: How to maximize your time under the couch


November 4, 2009

For sale


Almost Hairless
Sneezing on Ron Stanichek
Snowman, Interrupted

Children's movies

Cholly Booger Boy-Escape from the Dishwasher
Lice Story
Waiter, There's an Ear in my Soup!

$4 each
Thomas 555-1308

November 3, 2009


Now THAT'S art, or is it?, in conjuction with The Bobby Classifieds, presents the first annual Art Contest and Arm Pit Identification Spectacular! Each month, you decide which work of art is the best.

Finalists will be announced at ACAPIS, April 1, 2010.

November entries:

"Celery Sock"
by Valerie Timmons, Kaynesport

"Self Portrait"
by Robert Feathers, Noodletown

* Vote for your favorite on the front-page poll
* To enter December's contest, email

October winner - "Glue Stick and Moldy Bagel", by Kristin Fecker

Child for sale


Age: 4
Alter-ego: Captain Ernie Earwax
Favorite foods: cracker mush, vinegar
In hair: melted crayon (blue)
Favorite game: "The Grandma Wig Flush"
What he wants to be when he grows up: A talking watermelon

$215 or best offer
Craig & Allison 555-7819


Beefy's Fast Food Hut - Store #113
Staff meeting

On the agenda:

* The customers are not allowed to take home the ketchup pump dispensers
* Meet our new mascot The Horse Radish Avenger
* There's no such thing as a "pointing at the menu tax"

November 4, 2:00 p.m. at the Midtown corporate office

November 2, 2009


Kirby Donaldson (1907-2009)
Beloved wart hero successfully lobbied to have all warts removed from local faces (May, 1957). Founder of the poltical activist group S.O.F.S (Seperation of Fingernail & Soup), Mr. Donaldson died doing what he loved: searching in the carpet for his dental floss. Survived by his pet radish, Stanley.

November 1, 2009

For sale

Halloween costumes
Clearance Sale

* Arm Pit Boy (without tomato nose) - $8
* Captain Earwax - $11
* Bowby Franklin (1960s version w/asparagus attenae)- $4
* Colonel Salami - $6

Otto 555-3771


A Novel Concept book club
November meeting

Books to discuss:

* Thumb Garden - Louise Hanrahan
* Depreciation Station: The Shaving of Bingo Lawson - Tyrone Cassells
* The Encyclopedia of Unclaimed Elevator Smells - Chocolate House Publishing

Frozen vinegar cubes: Julie

November 6, 6:00 p.m. at Dennis & Cynthia's house