Obituary

Bobby
June 1, 2008--April 25, 2014

Promotional poster

For rent

Sneaker

* Left
* Right not available until May 9th

** update ** May 17th


$2/half hour
Dante 555-8810

Meetings

Spring kickoff meeting
May 3, 7:00 p.m.

Meetings

Left To Right book club
April meeting

Books to discuss:

* Idiot's Guide to Mirrors
* Book of Goldfish Names: P-Z


April 26, 6:45 p.m. at Dwayne & Sharlene's condo

Announcements

Kaynesport Community Center Announcement Board

* Public gravel eatings

Maria Mejito - April 30
Brendan Giles - May 4
James & Nadine Kershaw - May 15
Ernie Paulsen - May 28

* Vigils

- Carton of orange juice: April 28, 5:30 p.m. at Yockcheeze Baptist Church
- Rain puddle: April 30, 1:00 p.m. at the corner of Harman Blvd. & 9th Street
- Melted ice cube: May 3, 3:30 p.m. at Ruth & Bernard Jamison's condo (450 Wintworthe Street, East Kaynesport)

* Nationally-televised chewings (only on WDERTV)

Bruce Blakeley's toes: May 24, 7:00 p.m.
Gwen Ventura's hair: June 2, 8:00 p.m.

* Semi-pro pointing

June 1 - Falling rain (weather permitting)
July 22 - Dan Burkhalter
August 14 - Stop lights/yield signs
September 1 - Leaves

* Other upcoming event:

- Lightly-shoving Patricia Vincent - May 19-20


Info: Kaynesport Community Center  555-1187

Opportunities

I built a french bread boat and I'm going to sail around the world.

If interested in splitting sandwich meat/condiment costs, give me a call.


** Looking to sail away by June 22 **


Jeremy  555-3049

For sale

Leaves


* Brown, yellow and green available
* $.25 each or 10 for $2


Steve  555-4022

Wanted

I am need of one sock, preferably white.

Some holes are fine.

Steve  555-4022

Meetings

The People Under Andrea Fleming's Stairs
Spring, 2014 meeting

On the agenda:

* Copies of the new documentaries Andrea Eats A Pear and Andrea Brushes Her Teeth - 2/7/14 are now available on DVD for $10. Please see Linda under stair 2
* Andrea's new belt: Q&A
* Andrea doesn't like sweet potatoes anymore


April 22, 6:00 p.m.

Services

Need cabinet doors opened?


Joe Maglio  555-9995

Public service announcement

Let's put an end to ceiling fan on ceiling fan crime

Call 555-1003 to find out how you can help

Announcements

Kaynesport Historical Society announces its newest addition: the city's largest pollen pool.

Two chances to witness this historic event: May 2-19 & June 7-24

Call the KHS at 555-4419 for tour schedules

Religious visions

An image of our lord and savior appeared on a potato chip the other day.

There is also a light-yellow holy mark near Jesus' chin that has been confirmed as a sign of the lord blessing us.

Witness this once-in-a-lifetime event only in my linen closet.


* $300 per viewing
* Replica Jesus Chips also available


1219 Kingstin Avenue, Kaynesport

For sale

CDs


* When Harry Bought a Bootleg Copy of When Harry Met Sally soundtrack - various artists
* She Came In Through the Bathroom Mirror - Sheldon & Joyce


$1.25 each or both for $2
Kia  555-0014

Services

Need cabinet doors closed?


Joe Maglio  555-9995

For sale

Used books

The Girl With the Water Fountain Tattoo - Niles Shane
The Paving of Lot 49 - Wendy Bly
The Lettuce in the Rye - Garrison Glaus


$5 each
David 555-0099

Promotional poster

Missing

I'm missing some of my hair; last seen on my head Monday afternoon at the NoPay grocery store on Kerwin Street.

Here's an artist's rendering of the hair lying on the floor of the store:

* Reward shampoo offered *

Any information, please call Arnett or Paula  555-3844

For sale

* "Grandpa" - original crayon on construction paper
* Four-year old (male human) & 19-day old (hermit crab) free with purchase


Call for pricing list
Walt & Amanda  555-7444

Wanted

I'm looking to purchase one brown, left-footed construction boot, preferably a size 12 men's.

Willing to pay as much as $8 or the equivalent in empty paint cans.


Gus  555-2291

For sale

Hot dog juice


$5/gallon or .50 for drop on tongue
Tommy 555-4669

For sale

1/2 bagel

* Poppy

$2

Didi  555-0117

Help wanted

Looking to hire a personal intern to help with a number of things, including:

* Scratch my elbow(s)
* How many times have I looked at my watch?/What time is it? (you look at my watch)
* Hold this tissue while I lick the tissue
* Did anything just howl/bark?


** You also need to be OK with me lightly chewing on your fingers once a week, preferably Monday mornings, 8am-9:30am **


Let's work out a fair contract for both of us
Dwayne  555-2323

For sale

Sand

** Appeared in the hit reality TV show Who Won't Eat Sand?!


$.02/grain
Jim & Nadine  555-4494

For sale

Slightly-used paper towel

* Contains some honey mustard dressing
* Also available: one shirt button (inquire within)


$3
Kenneth  555-8817

Services

Need salt and/or pepper shaken onto anything?

* Will provide my own salt *


Joe Maglio  555-9995