July 31, 2013


Need refrigerators or freezers opened?

Joe Maglio 555-9995

July 30, 2013


Stuck at the traffic light at 24th Street & Delwood Lane in Kaynesport?

Hire me!

I can provide a number of services/entertainments, including:

* Paint-by-crack on your windshield or the windshield of your choice
* Watch Me Drink A Soda
* Live taping of the hit show Pointing At Grass With Rajesh
* Gravel-eating exhibition
* Watch Me Comb My Hair

See me at my lawn chair for rates and availability
Rajesh  555-6634

July 29, 2013


I'm looking to buy one pen cap, preferably blue, and I'm willing to pay as much as $3.

 * Trades for capless pens considered *

Hakeem  555-1118

July 27, 2013

For sale

1/2 can of diet cola

Two plans available:

1. Cola in can
2. No can, cola in either a plastic bag or poured in your pocket

Pick the plan that's right for you.

Kevin 555-0012

July 26, 2013

For sale

Vet bill

* Total due: $140
* I'm at the veterinarian's office on 23rd Street in West Plumptin in a blue t-shirt and brown shorts. I'll be whistling and waving my arms.
* Goldfish of your choice free with purchase

$120 or the equivalent in cat litter
Danny  555-0103

July 25, 2013


Friends of Tim Donaldson
Fall meeting

Items to discuss:

* Tim's father's surgery aftermath: auctioning off the old toes for charity
* May 17, 2011: the day we met Don Timlinson
* Last month's field trip to the water fountain at Tim's office has been moved to November 9

Tomorrow, 1:00 p.m. at Sandra's condo

July 24, 2013

July 23, 2013


Grass-cutting service available

* Priced by the blade
* Must provide mower

Vince  555-2890

July 22, 2013



* Went missing Friday morning, then came back inside to bring us the newspaper, then ran off again. So, missing since Friday
* Don't chase

The Elbert family  555-3220

July 21, 2013

Religious visions

A vision of our lord and savior, Jesus Christ appeared in my aluminum foil.

There is also a brown holy soy sauce mark, just under Jesus' right eye, that we believe is a sign of the lord blessing us.

Witness this once-in-a-lifetime event only in my basement.

* $250 per viewing
* Pieces of replica Jesus Foil also available
* Viewings available now through the end of September

435 Poog Cronin Blvd., Plumptin

July 20, 2013


Sandcastle building contest

The Bobby Classifieds - 23rd place

July 19, 2013


Feathers Art College
Grand opening!

Fall 2013 courses offered:

* Beginning Spilling Paint
Pre-requisite: Buying Paint

* Puddle Water Color
[Part of the Semester-by-a-Drain program]

* Painters Not Named Horace
Pre-requisite: Painters Named Horace

And check out our brand-new culinary arts course:

* Couples Menu Pointing
Pre-requisite: Can We Have a Menu?

Register today!
Feathers Art College  555-8871

July 18, 2013

For sale

Independent documentary films

* Calling Beverly Giles Again
* Being Charged Late Fees For Being John Malkovich
* How Much Longer Until It's 9:30?
* Did Beverly Giles Change Her Number?
* Finding Heather's Hairbrush

DVD: $5 each
VHS: $4.50 each

Thomas  555-6624

July 17, 2013


Need to check the temperature of your pot of coffee?

Tired of Joe Maglio checking the temperature, making himself several cups and then pouring the rest of the coffee onto the floor?

You have other options.

Frankie Maglio  555-7775

July 16, 2013

For sale

Bobby  555-2323

July 15, 2013

For sale

Reality TV shows on DVD

* Do Your Grandparents Have To Be Here? - season 4 reunion special
* Opening Envelopes With The Stars - final season
* Now Whose Got A Nose Bleed? - season 2
* Youth Soccer Referee Wives - season 1

$6 each
Brenton  555-8460

July 14, 2013

Help wanted

We need help getting an old woman down from an abandoned mail truck in our apartment complex.

She's been up there since Thursday and twice tried to mail herself. Also, she thinks leaves are postage stamps so we've got to get her to stop licking everything that falls from the tree near the mailboxes.

* Reward credit card application (w/envelope) offered

Greg & Roxanne  555-4919

July 13, 2013

For sale

One waffle

* Appeared in the 2013 film Breakfast Buffet at Tiffany's
* Comes with some syrup

Charlie  555-2982

July 12, 2013

For sale

I've got some injera bread in the shape of Louisiana.

It's pretty rare, and probably only available for a limited time because I might eat it.

Stanley  555-3001

July 11, 2013

For sale

Two tickets to the Kaynesport Derwoods semi-pro baseball

* July 27 game vs. East Plumptin, includes one wheelbarrow parking pass
* Free with purchase: paper clip to hold the tickets together

$15 or the equivalent in loose cereal
Hank  555-1819

July 10, 2013


Have you recently squashed an insect under a book and you need someone to lift up the book and see if the insect is dead?

* $4 for the first look, $2.50 for each additional look

Wanda  555-5958

July 9, 2013


Plumptin City College - Yupez campus location
Brand-new courses added to fall, 2013 curriculum!

* Book Opening
* Where Are The Vending Machines?
* Survey: Counting Rain Drops
* How To Eat Many Baby Carrots At One Time
* Where Does The Campus Shuttle Go On Thursdays?

For full course catalog, call 555-5663 

July 8, 2013


July 19, 1:20 p.m. flight 477 from Plumptin to Lyle City
Row M emergency meeting

On the agenda:

* Pointing at things above your seat
* Please bring an empty piece of luggage for our final overhead compartment run-through
* In charge of bringing the overhead compartment replica: Beverly

Wednesday, 4:00 p.m. at the coffee stand near baggage claim south

July 7, 2013


Advice man for hire

* Wearing hockey equipment into the shower
* "I make cheese dip and pave my driveway with it"
* You can't take a staple remover to a gun fight
* Making stir fry out of a molehill
* Don't wash your car with grape jelly
* A highway on ramp is no place to try and trade for a tire
* What happens in the cat's litter box does not stay in the cat's litter box

Call for rates and availability
Garrison 555-8381

July 6, 2013


I'm looking to purchase several garbage bags of leaves, preferably from the fall 2012 collection, for a bed I want to make.

Willing to offer upwards of $5 per bag, but would like to first take a look at and possibly take a taste test of some of the leaves.

Jerome  555-8551

July 5, 2013


Evan & Rory Near The Movies
Saturday show

Movies to discuss:

* My Big Fat Greek Ex-Husband
* Deodorant: Impossible
* Things We Lost In The Salad Dressing
* Death Of A Salesman's Digital Watch

July 6, 1:00 p.m. on WDERTV

July 4, 2013


Need money for the toll?

I'm working at booth #8 at the toll on the eastbound Kaynesport Expressway, and I've got several dollars in quarters available for trade to the right motorist.

I will not accept the following items in trade:

- Old toll booth receipts
- Pieces of your car's upholstery
- A thumbs-up, no matter how many thumbs for however many seconds

** Offer available to ladies' 18-to-24 only **

Dante  555-8443

July 3, 2013


All-you-can-eat paint brush bristles

* For a limited time *

Bryson 555-6100

July 2, 2013


Need your car radio turned on/off?

I can sit in the passenger seat or meet you at a predetermined intersection.

Joe Maglio  555-9995

July 1, 2013


Have you just transferred your goldfish to a tank?

We will take your unwanted plastic bag, preferably with water included.

Call to discuss price.

Kaynesport County Fair  555-1109