Announcements

Kaynesport Aeros basketball
Additions to the 2012-2013 promotional calendar

December 29 - Envelope of gravel (first 2,000 fans 14-under)
January 8 - Throw cabbage at the owner's son
February 17 - Arm Rest Night
February 25 - Salad dressing packet (first 5,000 fans)
March 7 - Garbage Bag Day


For tickets, call 555-3301

Services

Off-season Easter Bunny for hire

* Available through late-March
* Must provide ears


Tim  555-4007

For sale

1/3 of a bagel

* Sesame


$4
Juwan  555-0334

For rent

Bacon grease

* Three ounces available


$3/half hour
Greg  555-6816

** Call within the next 3 minutes or so and get a free piece of bacon **

For sale

Reality TV on DVD


* How Much Dog Hair is in my Couch? - Season 4
* Watch Me Drink Nail Polish Remover - Final season
* Golf Bag Swap - Season 3
* Who Won't Get Hypothermia?! - Season 6
* Bus Stop: Jacksonville


$7 each
Trevon 555-6126

For sale

French fries

Currently on the sidewalk in front of my house, but free delivery available.


$.40 each or $10 for all 30
Gwen  555-7665

For sale

Pieces of a flower pot

* Several dozen available
* Six-year old (Nathaniel) responsible for breaking of the flower pot free w/purchase of three or more pieces


$2 each
Connie & Keondre  555-8391

** Ask about our layaway options **

Meetings

The Torkelsons
Post-Thanksgiving family meeting

On the agenda:

* Grandpa Orel's "no shirt, no underwear, no dentures, no sweat" song/dance video: through Sunday copies are on sale for $10. See Aunt Linda at the mailbox.
* Countdown to Thanksgiving, 2013 begins March 5 at midnight


Today, 2:30 p.m. in the sun room

For sale

Pencil shavings

* Over 150 individual shavings in all different sizes available
* Perfect for that special someone in your life


Call for pricing list
Boris  555-3884

* Free mini pencil sharpener with purchase of 25 or more shavings *

For sale

VHS movies

* Dances With Snow Shovels
* Hockey Fish 3
* Things We Lost in the Potato Salad
* Underwear: Impossible
* Desperately Seeking Mouth Wash


$4 each
Arnold  555-0017

Meetings

What The Book? reading group
November meeting


Books to discuss:

* Championship Prison Ping Pong Teams - Editor Maurice Bly
* Greer's Law Books: Fire Ant Possession - Greer Publishing
* Idiot's Guide To The Car Window - Chocolate House Publishing


November 23 at 6:30 p.m.

For rent

Paintbrush

* Used as a prop in the hit play (These Paintbrushes) Are Finally Getting Married!


$8/half hour
Brenda  555-0033

Services

Need rugs looked under?


Joe Maglio  555-9995

For sale

Documentaries on DVD

* Dishwashing detergent drinking contest: 1997 quarterfinals
* Let's Get The Porters a Roof For Their House (part 1)
* The Roof Blew Off The House ( Part 2)
* The Porters Are Moving Out (Part 3)
* Returning a VHS Copy Of Being John Malkovich


$6 each
Diane  555-9223

Services

Psychiatrist for hire


* Wearing football shoulder pads in the shower
* Pointing battles on grocery aisles: keeping it real
* Blank notebook paper tattoo regret
* "When eating salad, I give names to the croutons"
* Excessive air saxophone
* Fear of talking cookie dough
* Shouting at living room furniture
* "I'm nervous around hot dog buns"


Call for rates and availability
Diane 555-6371

For sale

Reality TV shows on DVD


* Chewing Gum Swap - final season
* Stepmother, Stop Yelling At Me! - season 5
* Middle School Science Teachers: Chicago
* Help, My Fantasy Paper Football Team Stinks! - season 2
* How Many Potato Chip Crumbs Are On Fred's Shirt?


$6 each
Jenna  555-8872

For sale

Water fountain

* Mint condition

* Comes with one plastic cup of water

$35

Mort  555-3090

Public Service Announcement

Let's keep the houseplants inside the houses. On November 13, vote 'yes' on proposition 314.

Other prop bills:

418 - Ban hiccuping on cruise ships
106 - Vote NO to stop the Harelson family from getting their mail
55 - Separate but equal: the silverware drawer
248 - Eliminate the letter P from all restaurant menus
63A - Legality of sandpaper on pizza

Meetings

Arnie's Art Supplies
Staff meeting


On the agenda:

* We do not accept dollar amounts painted on a canvas as currency
* No matter how much a customer persists, please do not microwave in the break room any tubes of paint
* Cashiers Beth, Deondre & Bryce: the "paint brush in my nose" joke at the register is no longer funny


November 14, 2:00 p.m.

For rent

Hairbrush



* Black w/scalp pieces, leaves
* Used in the filming of the reality TV show So, You Think You Can Swallow Whole a Hairbrush?


$4/hour
Willis 555-6168

For sale

Chiropractor bill

* $240 owed
* I'm at Dr. Shonsen's office in chair 6 in a white t-shirt and blue jeans.
* Scrap of paper autographed by another patient, Daniel, free with purchase


Andy  555-6481

Services

Hernick, Vile & Lump
Attorneys-at-law

* The legality of shaving cream on bratwurst
* P.G.S.U.I. (pointing at grass stains under the influence)
* Cruelty to animal crackers
* Resisting a vest
* Impersonating a police siren
* Eggplant taunting


Call for rates and availability
HV&L  555-7667

For sale

Reality TV shows on DVD


* Get Me Out of the Trunk of this Car! - Complete series
* Drive Thru Confessional - Season 5
* Who Won't Get Kidnapped?! - Final season (w/outtakes)
* Bowling Shoes Swap - Season 4


$5 each
Terry 555-3871

Obituary

Orange
2011-2012



* Sold for $.49 (October, 2012)


"One of the last true oranges of its generation"


Viewing: November 17 from 10:00 a.m.-11:30 a.m. at Kaynesport Funeral Home

For rent

Bra

$6/half hour
Veronica  555-8337

For sale

Dog fur

* Three full pillowcases available
* Several different colors, including tan


Call for pricing list
Hector  555-0887

For sale

Hairnet

* Used just 12 times by only four different people
* Perfect for your head
* Comes with three free leaves (pictured)


$9
Chip  555-1342

Meetings

Stop & Stay Convenience Store
Staff meeting


On the agenda:

* What happened after Dwayne tried to microwave the still-wrapped candy bars
* Please stop accepting paper cups of sawdust as currency
* We do not have a give a penny take a quart of milk tray


November 5, 9:00 a.m.

Letter from the editor

The following reader entries in our second "Re-name the Bobby" contest have been eliminated: Horace Adelby's Classifieds, Mrs. Horace Adelby's Classifieds and The Bobbby Classifieds. Those eliminated can pick up their participation shirt sleeve at headquarters any time before the end of the year.

Also, please stop mailing us sand, sandpaper or photographs of sandals. That contest ended September 28.

- Derwood Morris

For sale

Diet cola

* About eight ounces of soda available
* Styrofoam cup, straw sold separately
* Ask about our payment plans


$5
Mitch  555-5339