June 30, 2009

House for sale

"A spacious fixer-upper in the heart of the avocado district"

6 BR
1/2 BATH

* 10 minutes from all downtown sidewalks
* Used by the musical group Forehead to produce their hit record Stairway to Attic (January-April, 1999)

Open House - Sunday, July 5 - 1:00 p.m. - 4:00 p.m.
355 Mervin Avenue, Kaynesport

June 29, 2009


Final cuts for the 2009 Plumptin Pirates
Adult Shimples League

Manager - Robbie Derwood

*returning player

1 Pushcart Sims
2 Kelmon Wonderful*
3 Smelly Parker*
4 Junior Sherman*
5 Peakaboo Franklin*
6 Blinky
7 Salisbury Johnson
8 Wilson Woo
10 Ozzie Cooper*
11 Milk Carton Graham*
14 Sid Early*
16 Wendell Woo

* First practice - July 3, 3:00 p.m. *


- Silent greetings
- Pointing at each other's arm pits
- Salami slice/toss practice
- Trade socks

[Please wear a shirt, pants and two shoes, and bring your Shimples pouch]

Any questions, call coach Derwood 555-2323

June 28, 2009

For sale


Buck Porter - "The Plumptin Pipsqueak"
Age: 17

* Grit
* Savvy

- Averaged between 83-110% per game (career high: 117%)
- Eyebrows acquired in a straight-up sideburns-for-eyebrows trade with best friend, Tanner (May, 2008)

Perfect for your team this fall.
Call Coach Gentry - 555-1442

** Call now and receive three clipboards, free with purchase

June 27, 2009


Tour guide for hire

Ernie Maglio will take you on a magical journey through historic Kaynesport

* Nostril Park, home of the Wombatz
* What's moving around in that bush?
* The Battle of Ant Hill historical site
* Stoplights
* Tinkle Alley
* Roger Hoffman's apartment on 11th St. & Baker
* National Pincher's Hall of Fame
* Following a different tour group; mimicking them

Call for reservations and great summer deals - 555-8871

June 26, 2009

Police report

Paws McMurtry
Age: 34
Pants: yes

June 25: Mr. McMurtry was arrested with 400 gallons of mayonnaise and 125 pounds of toe nails with intent to distribute.

Previous arrests

May, 2003: Taken into police custody for refusing to remove his pine cone hat and stirrups in a government building.

December, 1997: Arrested for crawling under the influence and resisting lettuce.

BAIL: $17

June 25, 2009

For sale


I'm building a brand-new wardrobe.

Make me an offer -

* "I Survived Mail Carrier Camp"
* Blast! Cola
* "Do I look Like I Care?"

* Blue
* Support Elephants in the Theater
* Pinky Toe - World Tour, 1993
* Harry is Coming: Look Busy

Manny 555-2000

June 24, 2009

For sale

Possum tail

* Rare *

Joseph 555-9995

June 23, 2009

For sale

Alan 555-7219

June 22, 2009


The Page Turners book club
June meeting

Books to discuss:

* The Encyclopedia of Homemade Walrus Costumes - Chocolate House Publishing
* Idiot's Guide to Escalators - Editor, Penny Cartwright

Pecan crumbles: Cindy

June 27, 7:00 p.m. at Cindy's town house

June 21, 2009

Thoughts for sale

It's time I got these off my mind.

* Cauliflower ear muffs
* I'm seriously considering adding a 3rd elbow
* Become a professional John Stamos impersonator; meet John Stamos; he says 'you sound just like me'; we switch identities
* I'm in a penguin costume, trapped in a dish washer
* Cr'Vontavious is not a boy's name
* I wonder if my ex-girlfriend Diane got the toenail/forehead sweat care package I sent her

$7 each
Josh 555-4461

June 20, 2009

Couch for sale

* "No Sisters Allowed" fort: 1989-1993 (President-Tommy Colsen)
* Grandpa Harold (trapped underneath) free with purchase

Jenna 555-4481

June 19, 2009


Club Sweaty
Grand opening - July 1!

* Arm Pit Fridays - Featuring R&B sensation Lil' Horsefly
* Penguins Night
* DJ Walnut (Weekends)

The World-Famous Sweaty Girls

Sweaty - 400 Oakley Avenue, Plumptin

June 18, 2009

Car for sale

Jake 555-0103

June 17, 2009


Personal trainer Elliot Rainbow, creator of world-famous workout videos At Least Do One Sit-up and Now We're Blubbersizing!, presents his third installment, Untitled Workout Video.

Rainbow (February, 1998)


Workout: Solo thumb wars - left vs. right.

Diet: For breakfast/lunch, engage in a serious political discussion with a stick of butter. For dinner, interview a Hardees store manager about drive-thru policies.

Extra-curricular: Seduce a curling iron.


Workout: Sit down(s). Beginners: sit down slowly.

Diet: Breakfast/lunch, drink 3 ounces of beef broth. Dinner, call a random number in the phone book and initiate a conversation about cottage cheese.

Extra-curricular: Improvised whistling for 12 seconds


Workout: Daydream about roller skating.

Diet: For breakfast/lunch/dinner, chew on some notebook paper.

Extra-curricular: Massage a beach towel


Workout: Crawl 3 laps around the dining room table. At the end of each lap, scream the name of your 4th grade teacher. Example: "Mrs. Vanderells!!"

Diet: Breakfast/lunch, celery shavings. For dinner, bathe in soy sauce.

Extra-curricular: High-five practice with your goldfish.


Workout: Knee taps. Do four reps of six knee taps. For beginners: simulated knee tapping.

Diet: For breakfast/lunch, on a piece of paper, write down the name of your favorite salad dressing. For dinner, insult a plate of fat-free turkey bacon.

Extra-curricular: Rehabilitate a dying shampoo bottle.

For a free consulation call 555-1000 or email oscarrainbow@gmail.com

Letter from the editor

In retrospect, the "Send us your Salami Sandwich Contest" wasn't a very good idea.

Later this year, the following will be participating in their first-ever Ken Festival: Ken Crawford, Kenny Jamison, Ken Venable and Kenneth Erniger.

Derwood Morris

June 16, 2009

For sale


* Mold is greenish-gray, which is a sign of good luck

$4 each or all three for $10
Ron 555-3329

June 15, 2009


Life coach for hire

Vanessa Parker
Age: 41
- Life coach since 2003

* Stop watering your lawn with orange soda
* Fear of killer wheelbarrows
* Put on your socks before your shoes
* Looking good in an art smock
* Answer the phone when it rings
* Massaging the shoulders of a parking lot attendant
* What not to scream at the circus

Call 555-0612 for price and availability

June 14, 2009

For sale

Ernie 555-2479

June 13, 2009

For sale


Eyelids (March, 1999; June, 1999)
Lumpy Diane (Special Holiday Issue: December, 2003)
Magazine Shoplifter (August, 1988; January, 1989)

$6 each
Andrew 555-4646

June 12, 2009

For lease

Land for lease

Acquire a piece of land that has been home to:

* Cole Henson's lawnmower oil intervention (July, 1992)
* 2008 Push N' Shove
* Mildred's House of Onions
* Rubber penguin swap meet
* Tim Tomlinson and the Octopus farewell concert (August, 2000)

3 acres
Call 555-1823 for pricing information

June 11, 2009


Dollar Palace
Grand opening

"Everything is $1...except the $3 items."

* Replacement cat whiskers
* Spectacular Ernie Halloween costumes
* Toe nail pieces (half bucket: $1)
* Cat whisker glue
* Rubber ears
* Acorns (10 for $1)
* Gigi Oakley's 1985 LP, Balsamic Vinaigrette

Dollar Palace - 360 Booker Lane, East Plumptin

Bobby intro

For sale


Age: 8

He just walks around all day, never says a word. I'm inside, hoarding envelopes. We both need a change.

$100 or best offer
Nancy 555-1119

June 10, 2009

Children for sale

Age: 3
Favorite item: Ernie Boy Potato Shorts lunchbox
What he wants to be when he grows up: A magic elephant
Sleeps: Two hours each night in the drier

Age: 5
Favorite item: Mr. Gerald (stuffed caterpillar)
Favorite game: fish tank cannonballs

$140 each
Jeff and Maryanne 555-8502

June 9, 2009



"The ticket pros"

Great seats for Kaynesport City's hottest summer entertainment -

* Lint Ball playoffs - 1st round begins June 17
Mud pit general admission: $10
Reserved seating: $35

* Salt Shakers on Ice - July 3-6

* Dunk Tank Thursdays at Macafee Auditorium

Exhibitions starting July 9:

7/9 - Honey mustard
7/16 - Scalp flakes
7/23 - Custodian sweat
7/30 - Soy sauce finale

* Sit Down and Shut Up Festival - August 10-11

* The Rory Pickle Orchestra - "Third-to-last Tour"

July 4: The Mashed Potato Hole (East End)
July 18: Blast! Cola Arena
July 24: Ernie Benzo Auditorium
August 1: Unnamed Theater

TicketPro - 555-1001

June 8, 2009

House for sale

2 BR

* Once owned by Hall of Fame Pigeon Ball squeezer, Lyle Penny

$140/month mortgage payments
Chuck and Martha 555-7166


Beefy's Fast Food Hut - Store #214
Staff meeting

On the agenda:

* Ground beef: if it's green, don't let it be seen
* The customers are not allowed to make their own food
* Why you can no longer bring your aunts or uncles to work

June 10, 4:30 p.m.

June 7, 2009


Switch to DerMo Cable TV

* 7/4 customer service
* Free turkey leg with purchase

Access to over 400 channels, including:

- Fatigue
- The Pencil Channel
- Asparagus TV
- Napkin Network
- Doofusball Sunday Package

Only $7.95 per month
Call 555-7110 to order

June 6, 2009


Joyce Kepler
Psychiatrist for hire

* Over-crawling
* Chronic chronicling
* Fear of running out of sandpaper
* Rice terrors
* Excessive "Shane" calling
* Fear of turning into a half man/half windshield wiper
* Lettuce envy

Call for rates

June 5, 2009


Need rear-view mirrors looked into?

Joe Maglio 555-9995

For sale


Flying band aids - $10
Homie Don't Play That - $4
Hamburger buns - $7
Pee Pool tie (rare) - $40
Thumbs - $15
Ernie Boy Potato Shorts - $12

Tom 555-0811

June 4, 2009


Single American Women
Seek bus schedules and round men with access to corn

Fish odor OK.


A Novel Concept book club
June meeting

Books to discuss:

I Picked Things out of Her Ear - Lionel Hainesworth
Essays on Fudge - Samantha Horn
Idiot's Guide to the Shallow End - Desmond Banniker
The Complete Shimples Encyclopedia - Chocolate House Publishing

Hot dog juice: Tym

June 8, 8:00 p.m. at Sam & Diane's condo

June 3, 2009


Come help us say goodbye to Stankiewicz Field - June 6

The Stank has seen it all:

- Hosted four KTBA championship games
- Site of the famous Ranch Dressing Pool 100-meter backstroke "Battle of the Sexes" showdown between Dottie James and Ron Carlisle (1979)
- 1990 Squirrel Toss (Hall of Famer Noodles Cooper's last toss)
- Used in the filming of the 1984 television documentary Watch Me Eat Grass

My Stankiewicz Field Memories (narrated by DJ Doofus of Smell-96.5)

DJ Doofus

* The new backstop arrives (July, 1988)
* The Day of Many Nostrils (March 11, 2003)
* Police finally catch Eddie Cole, "The Linguine Strangler"

Stankiewicz Field - 1400 Bucksley Avenue, Perkins County
Call to reserve your tickets - 555-3411

June 2, 2009

Police report

Murray Cassady
Age: 38
Sandwich in pocket: 1/2 ham/cheese

May 31 - Mr. Cassady was taken into police custody for refusing to remove his inner tube in a government building.

Previous arrests:

July & August, 2006: On two separate occasions, tested positive for performance-enhancing caterpillars.

April, 2002: Arrested in a Mel's Supermart parking lot with over 300 bars of soap with intent to lather.

Cassady, Murray
BAIL: $47

For sale

Apartment-wide sale

June specials:

* Water bill - $37.64
* Uncle Jorge - $80
(w/fingernail collection - $125)


Olin Fleming: Lettuce Avenger
Freckle Camp 4
I Know Which Light You Dimmed Last Summer

Baxter 555-6218

June 1, 2009

Bobby's first birthday party

For sale

Yard sale

Grandpa Mel's wheelbarrow - $11
Fire ant hills (freezer bag) - 3 for $10



June 6-7, 9:00 a.m. - 3:00 p.m. each day
410 Coogans Drive, Jaysontown