December 31, 2008


Tonight at 8:00, it's A Cookin' New Years Eve

Hosted by John Plum and Sissy Paddock

Special musical guest Lil' Pipsqueak

Brought to you by:

Blast! Cola (c) 2008

L'Sha Empanadas (c) 2008

Starts at 8:00 p.m., following the season finale of Will you go with my Daughter to the Prom? on WDER

December 30, 2008

For sale


Munster Cheese
(May, 2007; July, 2007)
Whining & Pouting (August, 2001; September, 2001)
Mailman Tackler (April, 2008; August, 2008; January, 2008)

$7 each
Reynaldo 555-3448

December 29, 2008

Bobby Mondays


Plow/shovel man for hire

"I'll plow your drive way or shovel your front lawn or around your pool. Anywhere there's snow, I'll be there. Or my assistant, Pete, will be there."

- Grant Milsap, owner

Also specialize in:

* The 1985 Kansas City Royals

Call for prices
Grant 555-1105



Happy Birthday, Santa
Edgar & Sandeep Cash in a Scratch-off Lottery Ticket

$2 each
Cindy 555-7018

December 28, 2008


WDER TV presents A Cookin' New Years Eve

Hosted by John Plum and Sissy Paddock


-- Len Bergeron, Kaynesport Times

8:00 p.m. - Live in concert: Robby Chestnut
9:00 p.m. - John & Sissy hug it out
10:00 p.m. - Countdown to 10:30
10:30 p.m. - Looking back: 2008's Standers & Sitters
11:30 p.m. - Midnight countdown begins

12:00 a.m. - Cantaloupe drop and a live performance by Ernie Copper and the Coreys

Join us New Years Eve for all the fun!


Kaynesport ch. 17
Goober City ch. 29

Thoughts for sale

After Christmas specials!!

All thoughts 60% off
(now through December 31)

- Pastrami
- Since when do I have an Uncle Mel?
- Willie Ames
- What is that red thing on my right index finger?
- I give up a game-winning home run to Pete Incaviglia in the bottom of the 9th inning of the seventh game of the World Series. We meet up afterwards and go to Burger King.

and more!

Call for prices
Hetty 555-7100

December 27, 2008

TV listings

Feathers TV
Saturday lineup


Shueburg at Tettleburo - 6:00 p.m.
After Ernie Benson Stadium hosted the 4th annual Salami Convention, the Centipedes finally return home following a three-week road trip. Expansion Shueburg has won four consecutive games but will be without manager Tom Pipgras, whose wife gave birth to an eight-year old (Thomas Jr.).


The Real Desk Clerks of the San Malingos Public Library - 8:30 p.m.

Dottie shushes a noisy patron, while Francene loses a contact lens in Non Fiction.

Make me a Tuna Fish Sandwich! - 9:00 p.m.

Dexter forgets to take off the crust.

LATE NIGHT MOVIE - 10:00 p.m.

Nerdy Dancing

6:05 a.m. - The Cauliflower Hour with Murton Shouse

December 26, 2008

For sale

Christmas tree

Plastic; about 6 feet, 4 inches.

* Two presents still underneath (Aunt Marsha)
* Was inspiration for wine-induced duets of O Christmas Tree - 2005, 2006, 2008

Diane 555-6210

(Two pairs)

Reindeer heads with glowing, red noses on each sock

$3 per pair

** Interesting trades considered **

Jimmy 555-4404

December 25, 2008

December 24, 2008

Holiday parties

Grumson, Linus & Nultz Law Offices
2008 Holiday party


8:00 p.m. - Pin the tail on Mr. Dolan from circulation
9:00 p.m. - Photo Copy our Privates
9:25 p.m. - Let's get Sheldon Baker drunk

10:00 p.m. - Awards Ceremony

- First to stage
- Bossiest wife
- Fat ankle trophy

11:30 p.m. - 15th annual Snow Shovel your way to the Parking Lot (Weather Permitting).

December 27 @ Nunch Valley Ballroom

December 23, 2008

Car for sale

1979 Berchmont Glitter LE

439,000 miles

* AM/some FM radio
* Lots of storage space in trunk
* Bowl of chicken soup in front passenger seat still warm and tasty
* Doors not included
* Used in 1982 movie Jim & Martha Drive to Houston

Martha 555-6681

December 22, 2008

Christmas Classifieds


From the people who brought you It's Easter Meester, stuff your stocking with the brand-new Christmas album, Turtle Doves & Reindeer Love

Check out new holiday hits like:

Up on the Meth House Top
Yellow Frosty
Grandpa got into the tree water (again)
I saw Mommy kissing Trevor's Mommy

Call 555-1002 to order your copy today!


Bulk mistletoe

Tony 555-1991

WDER Holiday Classics
Christmas Day - 8:00 p.m.

Larry, the least-famous Reindeer of all

For sale


Clump County Vipers cap w/Kaz Hiroki autograph. Fudge stain under bill (Hiroki's) - $20
Vinyl record albums - $5 each
* The Mossy People, I think we may have missed the Exit
* Patty Gerald, Love and Mayonnaise
Dennis Haskins bobblehead dolls - 2 for $5

Chuck 555-3995

December 21, 2008

House for rent

** 2 BR dream house in the heart of the aardvark district **

- Once owned by R&B singer Lil' Pipsqueak
- Front door/windows coming May, 2009
- Used in the filming of the 1986 movie What's That Smell?

$300 per month
Samantha and Jerry 555-8018

December 20, 2008


Langston & Associates
Attorneys at Law

"Isn't it about time it is what it is?"

* Sideburn discrimination
* Calculator violence
* Aunt/Uncle repossession
* Rhinoceros neglect
* Wrongful sweater shopping
* Goldfish custody

Free consultations/toasted bread

December 19, 2008


Friends of Mort Kellog Society
December meeting

On the agenda:

- Mort's new jogging suit
- Who is picking up Mort's mother-in-law at the bus station tomorrow?
- Mort's old jogging suit
- Should Mort have been first chair trumpet in the Chester High School jazz band?

2:30 p.m. at Keondre's town house

Cheese logs: Patricia

Police report

Ernie Herzog

Age: 38
Pants: yes
Beer in pocket: Two 16 oz. cans of Busch Light

December 18
: Mr. Herzog was taken into custody late Thursday night after refusing to remove his parachute in a government building.

Previous arrests:

July, 2007: Arrested for driving under the influence of spicy mustard.

October, 2003: Taken into custody for impersonating a wall clock. Police found the disgruntled Herzog in the den of his home, refusing to acknowledge Daylight Savings Time.


December 18, 2008


Thick-Head Club
January meeting

Topics to discuss:

~ We don't need directions to get where we're going
~ 2008 Head Butt Games aftermath: What happened to Corey's toupee?
~ Stop ordering shellfish at Popeyes

January 7, 7:30 p.m.
Chancey Apartments gazebo

Pepperoni sticks: Kendall

Thursday TV listings

WDER TV's Thursday lineup

Exciting MSAA action!

Proom City at District 12 - 6:00 p.m.
Kip Baker and Stretch Cavanaugh on the call as the Bandits try to put an end to a 53-game road losing streak dating back to 1987. They'll be without suspended slugger Zan Franco (uneven sideburns).


Turtleneck Swap - 8:30 p.m.
Someone spills grape jelly on Todd's turtleneck. Plus: The house mates turn on Fat Neck Glen

Who wants to marry my daughter?
- 9:00 p.m.
Nancy finds a pimple and Father Sanderson refuses to wear pants again.

Build me a sand castle! - 9:30 p.m.
Grandpa Louis swallows too much sand.

- 10:00 p.m.

Did I Hear You Sneeze?

5:10 a.m. - The Jesus Minute with Reverend Donnie Craig


Need to distract a group of pigeons?

Joe Maglio 555-9995

December 17, 2008

Want Ads

Air guitarist looking to form band

I played some classical growing up, but now I rock the bass guitar on a nightly basis. Sold out six consecutive shows in my basement (July 2005). I'm looking for people who want to play pure rock & roll and blow some minds.


- Lead air guitar: Looking for a real teeth clenching wild man here. Lot of emotion.

* Making good guitar sounds with your mouth a plus.

- Air drummer. Only the best of the best need apply. We're talking Keith Moon, but in a Corolla, banging on the steering wheel.

- Air congo drummer. Big, long solos with your eyes closed the entire time. Plan on having your mouth open through most of our live acts.

Other needs: roadies; van

Auditions now through February 1

Demond 555-7734

For sale

Brand-new $20 bill

Chip 555-1342

December 16, 2008


Pincher's Anonymous
2009 Retreat

February 13-15

On the agenda:

** Kayak down Pinch Creek
** Which cheeks to pinch and when
** BREAK OUT GROUP SESSION: Perfect Pinching Practice Makes Perfect

$700 per person

Pryor-Rich Resort & Day Spa, Cole County
Info: 555-3328

* Please, no electronic pinchers on the retreat.

December 15, 2008

For sale


Crawling Around (February, 2000; March, 2000)
Landlord (November, 2005; December, 2005; February, 2006)
Hub Cap Quarterly (May, 2004; August, 2004)

$5 each
Paul 555-8102

December 14, 2008

Police report

Otto Morris
Age: not given
Pants: no

December 13: Arrested for throwing chicken cutlets on the highway, a class D felony in Kaynesport City.

Previous arrests:

November, 2007: While on foot, taken into custody for following too closely to a pigeon. Claimed the pigeon was "walking funny".

January, 2001: Arrested with two others for conspiracy to commit fraud at an A.C. Slater look-alike contest.

June, 1999: Arrested at a karaoke competition for Murder 1 (Fleetwood Mac song).


December 13, 2008


Trying to get to the next floor? Get on an elevator.

* Take it to any floor: 4th, 9th, 11th...even the 14th floor.
* Play fun games, like:

Press all the buttons; get off at 2nd floor
Emergency Button Press
Racquetball Chase

See what others are saying about taking the elevator:

You know, not everyone can jump from floor to floor; I know I can't. With the elevator I can relax and pick the floor I want to go to.

- Jessica Evans

When that door closes, baby, it's party time!

- Corey Blaine

So jump on board and take the elevator. There's no telling where you'll end up.

[Paid for by the People Who Point At Elevators]

December 12, 2008


Dylan County 8th grade football
Post-season banquet


7:00 p.m. - Return helmet, shoulder pads
7:30 p.m. - Coach Garfunkel: "The importance of staying in bounds"
8:15 p.m. - Awards presentation

- Big Ear Award
- Worst Fumble
- Chubbiest

10:00 p.m. - Dancing to the 70s

December 14 at the Henry Piso Banquet Hall - 555-6661

December 11, 2008

For sale

Fall baseball team
Clearance sale

Right-handed pitchers
Joel ... $7
D'Rontavius ... $9

Second basemen

JaColby ... $12
JaColby's little brother, Sam (not on team) ... $7
Tanner ... $6

Outfield grass ... $4 per barrel

Coach Baker 555-8063


Pippen Sanchez autographed baseball - $110

Trey 555-4008

For sale


Power bill


- due December 27

$30 or best offer
Randy 555-7221

December 10, 2008


Christmas Caroling Planning Committee (CCPC)
Emergency meeting

Who's lip syncing?

December 11, 1:00 p.m.

Pet personal ads


SBWC, age 9. When I see a bird, I eat it.

Morris box 235

I don't have all of my whiskers, but I still know how to have a good time.

*Must have bad breath.

Trudy box 701


STC, age 5. I've got my own house and my own bed with a towel. I can smell my own poo or your poo; whatever makes you happy. Good listener.

Lenny box 386

December 9, 2008

For sale


Edgar & Sandeep File a Tax Return
Thursday, 2
He Smelled Me, Lionel

$5 each or all 3 for $10
Amy 555-3019

December 8, 2008

Meeting posted

The People Under Andrea Fleming's Stairs

December meeting

On the agenda:

* What is that smell?
* Andrea's mother-in-law, Linda's new nose
* 2008 Crawl Space Field Trip: who owes what

December 28, 4:00 p.m.

Celery: Sarah and Paul

December 7, 2008

For sale


Fluoride Enthusiast (April, 2007)
Shoelace (January, 1996; March, 1996)
Kicking & Screaming (October, 2003; November, 2003; May, 2004)

$4 each
Paul 555-8102

December 6, 2008

December 5, 2008

Friday TV listings

FEATHERS TV presents its Friday lineup!


Kaynesport at Ookamondo, 7:00 p.m.

Kip Baker and Stretch Cavanaugh on the call as two division leaders battle for the Old Refried Bean Barrel. Kaynesport pitcher Ernie Sampson is back from suspension (performance-enhancing penguins) and he'll face the powerful Ookamondo lineup, led by 2007 Triple Crown winner Yi Maruki.


Calculator Swap, 8:30 p.m.

Ryan's new calculator doesn't have a 7 and the math students reminisce about last month's Subtraction Olympics.

So, You Wanna Beg for Change, 9:00 p.m.

Chet gets a Canadian quarter.

MOVIE NIGHT - Late night special

Edgar & Sandeep Take a Nap, 11:00 p.m.

Terrible weather in your area: 4:50 a.m.

December 4, 2008

For sale

Tape recorder for sale

* Mint condition *

$700 or best offer

Calvin 555-1771

December 3, 2008

Meeting posted

A Novel Concept book club
Mid-December meeting

Books to discuss:

Never Too Late (Why it's OK to wait a few months to name your baby) - Pauline Braswell
The Illustrated Encyclopedia of Buttered Bread - Chocolate House Publishing

December 16, 7:30 p.m
. at the Manchester Grove apartment complex gazebo

Salami fingers: Fran

December 2, 2008


Looking to get from one floor to another? Take the stairs.

* The #1 mode of transportation inside buildings
* Come in many different colors
* Wear any shoes

See what others are saying about taking the stairs:

"I always use the stairs-it's fun, doesn't cost anything and you can go up or down, and if you want, back up!"

- Maryanne Dilworth, Kaynesport

"I stopped taking elevators. I don't need them, I found the stairs!"

- Ed Dandridge, Jasper City

"The stairs are like, so 2008."

- Candice Timmons, Plumptin

Join the new wave of getting from one floor to another and find a staircase near you!

December 1, 2008

For sale


With our struggling economy, now is the time to take advantage of my closet-wide clearance sale and stock up on some of the season's hottest sleeves.

Price list:

Sweatshirt sleeves - $5 each
T-shirt sleeves - 3 for $5
Jacket sleeves (*very rare*) - $10 each

Jack 555-6262

Thoughts for sale

I've got to unload some more of my thoughts. Find one that's right for you.

- I don't understand banana peppers.
- I save one of Wayne Gretzky's slap shots, he skates up to me and says "nice save". We become best friends and rent a two-bedroom apartment.
- Herbert Edelman
- In Teen Wolf, how many rebounds did Chubbs get in the championship game?
- I'm on the roof, how did I get up here, how do I get down?

$10 each
Danny 555-8108

November 30, 2008

TV listings

WDER's Sunday morning TV schedule


Washing Machine Swap, 6:00 a.m.

Mitch doesn't separate the colors from the whites and forgets to tell the other housemates. Plus: Corey drinks too much fabric softener.

We're living in the kitchen pantry! 7:00 a.m.

Someone eats the last granola bar and the Stephensons vote another step child out of the pantry.


The Forgotten T-Bird, 8:00 a.m.

In this groundbreaking documentary, the filmmakers follow Tony Hernandez as he comes to grips with being rejected for a role in Grease 2 On Ice.

**Special appearance by Olin Persons**

November 29, 2008

For sale


When Trevor Sneezed
Dude, Where's my Grandmother?
Edgar and Sandeep Can't Pay their Cab Fare

$6 each
Mitch 555-1815

For sale


James, age 42.

- 5-6, 168 pounds
- Nicknamed himself "Mr. Spectacular" (July, 1997)
- Always wears a hat, even to bed.

Make me an offer

Patty 555-7100

*Call now and receive three Florida State Seminoles beer koozies, free with purchase!*

November 28, 2008

Meetings posted

The Friends of Rory Corcoran
December meeting

On the agenda:

- The pimples on Rory's forehead
- Concession stand schedule for the 2008 Rory Games.
- Who's taking Rory to his dental appointment, December 17?
- Should Rory have played more on the 1991 Canton High School JV soccer team? Q&A with Canton JV coach Whit Craymore.

December 10, 7:30 p.m. Plainville Baptist Church, Kaynesport

Lasagna squares: Pete

November 27, 2008

For sale

"The Derwood"

* Do-everything
* All-purpose
* Dream come true

** Comes with 1/2 pound of sliced salami **

Andy 555-2281

November 26, 2008

Pre-Thanksgiving sale

Kitchen-wide clearance sale!!!

Stuffing (w/mystery orange chunks) - $4 per chunk
Cranberry sauce container lid (*rare*) - $10
"Toby Turkey" stuffed animal from 2004 Southwestern Regional Gobble Games - $25
Orange chunks grab bag - $1
Fixins - $3 per bucket


Uncles from all over the United States
$50 each

- Buy any Danny or Ted, get a free 2 liter bottle of Blast Cola

Mr. and Mrs. Pilgrim erotic Halloween costumes - $20 each

- w/sandwich - $22.75

Linda and Perry 555-2101

November 25, 2008

Tuesday Personal Ads


SWM, age 36. I like to sit at home, build a nice fire, maybe get a bottle of wine and read newspaper clippings from my high school days. I wasn't an athlete or anything, I just like to read them. Come over, maybe we could finish a few of these damn crossword puzzles and see where it goes from there.

Tony box 79200

I love pillow talk and I mean that literally: softness; number of feathers; the age-old rectangle/square debate. I could go on all night.

Edgar box 29181


No momma's boys; no daddy's boys; no grandma's boys; no boys with Spiderman bed sheets; no boyz in the hood; no newspaper delivery boys; no boys named Trent; don't bring your own boys.

Tamara box 45911

SWF, 40. I'm very fit and athletic for my age, which is actually 44. That's a lie, I'm 47. Or am I? Call to find out that and other things.

Nancy box 32220


Looking for a man or woman to make us breakfast and take the dog for a walk in the mornings. Three days a week for about an hour each day. Internship.

Jim and Candice 555-8716

November 24, 2008

For sale

Mustard helmet

- Cup/straw on each side

** Once owned by Ernie Jensen, the "real life Teen Wolf Too" **

Nancy 555-4442

November 23, 2008

For sale

Used books

Idiot's Guide to Pillow Talk - Branson Cole IV
I Tripped and Fell in Winnipeg - Candice Thornton
The Encyclopedia of Thousand Island Dressing Stains - Chocolate House Publishing

$6 each
Kenny 555-8003

November 22, 2008


The Headache Club
Winter meeting

Items to discuss:

- Our field trip to the medicine cabinet has been moved to December 10
- The Sprained Ankle Club: who do these guys think they are?

Cool rags: Andy

November 29, 8:00 p.m.

November 21, 2008


A Novel Concept book club
September meeting

Books to discuss:

My Weekend with Morris Hernberg - Mary Pippen
The Collected Poetic Works of Lenny Dykstra - Lenny Dykstra
The Illustrated Encyclopedia of Salami Sandwiches - Chocolate House Publishing

September 9, 7:00 p.m. at Miles' sister's condo

Diet 7UP: Louise

November 20, 2008

For sale

Lonny's Lamps
Clearance sale

Dave Coulier head lamp shade (w/mullet) $25
Bald man's scalp lamp shade $17
Reginald Vel Johnson head lamp shade $30
Dallas Mavericks lamp shade (w/Robert Pack autograph) $70

Lonny's - 750 Industrial Way, Jasper City

November 19, 2008

Wednesday TV listings

TVDOO's new Wednesday lineup!


Take my son to soccer practice, 8:00 p.m.

Carla won't take Bridget's son to the big game and Nick goes on a penguin binge and loses Nick Jr.

Gym Shorts Swap, 9:00 p.m.

Coach Paddock gets into the girl's lockeroom again.

Late Night Movie Double Dip

10:00 p.m. - My Big, Fat, Greek Sister
(T'AnDrey Milton, Farrah Blaylock)

12:30 p.m. - Edgar and Sandeep Make a Sandwich
(Marty Plackemier, Al Bone, Tory Fenwick)

4:35 a.m. - Weather in your area

November 18, 2008

For sale


Detroit Lions mini-helmet

** Very rare **

Ben 555-3910

November 17, 2008

For sale

Refrigerator-wide sale

Check out my special winter deals:

* Half of a green pepper - $2
* Mystery juice (rare) - $11/cup
* Half of a birthday cake (Anthony Jr., age 5) - $9

Tony 555-3712

November 16, 2008


File photo

The Itchy Spot night club is closing its doors. Everything must go:

Buy 1 comedian get 1 free:

- Nappy Jeanine
- Teeny
- Forest Lukely
- Shantre'l Williams
- Rhino Man

Bathroom mirrors

Men's restroom: "Kenny was heer" model $7
Women's restroom: "Caitlyn 555-0016" model $11
Illegally installed urinal mirrors 2 for $50

and much more!

Itchy Spot - Highway 38, Plumptin

November 15, 2008


Friends of Ernie Klecko
December meeting

Items to discuss:

* Who cut in front of Ernie in the DMV line last Wednesday?
* Ernie's record-breaking night at Dunkin Donuts and where we all go from here
* Who's picking up Ernie's mother-in-law at the airport, December 15?

Trail mix: Anthony

December 9, 6:00 p.m.
Kenny's house - 410 Waysley Lane, Tettleburo

November 14, 2008

New product


"The traffic dodger's step-brother's cola"

* Contains plenty of Vitamin 9 kids need to watch TV
* Won Best with Corn Chips at 2006 industry and trade show
* Refrigerator-safe

Pick up a can of Blast at your local grocery store, today!

November 13, 2008

Personal ad

Couples seeking women

Let's make a you sandwich. We'll bring the tub of mayonnaise.

Cheryl and Diandre box 72996

November 12, 2008

Tonight's TV listings

Feathers TV Wednesday lineup

Exciting LBL action!!

Compound 9 at Pubder, 6:00 p.m.
Sheesh County at Troonce, 8:00 p.m.
Compound 4 at Martha, 10:00 p.m.

REALITY TV (Feathers2)

We're living in a mashed potato pit! - 7:00 p.m.
The Carlsons vote another cousin out of the mashed potatoes.

Someone Smells - 8:00 p.m.
Rosa turns the hose on Abigail.

Will you go on a date with my brother? - Season 2 - 8:30 p.m.
Kelsey's date with Max becomes uncomfortable when Max reveals his back acne.

Late night movie event - 11:30 p.m.

There Will Be Highlighters
Bob Piso (Arabadacka; Arabadacka 3) fights for the black and white in a strange world of flourescent colors. Featuring Kennin Root as "Young Yellow".

For sale


Previous owner: John Stamos look-alike Blaine Easton.

$130 monthly mortgage or best offer
Cole 555-6101

November 11, 2008

For sale


Mustard Spreader (January, 1997)
Bocce Ball Centerfolds Monthly (November, 2000 - Hal Travis; March, 2002 - Janice Edinbourough)
Chewing & Swallowing (May, 1988; June, 1988; December, 1988)

$4 each
Paul 555-8102

November 10, 2008


2nd Annual Couch Grab

Site of Couch Grab, 2008

Only $1 per grab and the memories last a lifetime!

"I found a piece of a hot dog last year and the memories lasted a lifetime! I'm coming back in 2008! With two dollars"
- anonymous

Items you might find:

- Paper clips
- Teen Wolf Too DVD (Missing since May, 2004)
- Barbeque potato chip pieces
- Mystery brown chunks
- Piece of Greg's pinky

and more

November 15, 1:00 p.m.
Saundersville Apartments, Unit #1372

November 9, 2008

For sale

1992 Ford Taurus

* 220,00 miles, blue
* Two turtles (Ollie & Pete) have died of heat exhaustion in the back seat (June, 2001; August, 2001), in case you're wondering about the smell. But It's a good car. You should buy it.

Kerri 555-5229

November 8, 2008

Apartments for rent


Two-story apartment complex

Top building - 4 BR, 1 BATH, 3 CATS

Bottom building - 6 BR, 0 BATH, MOLD

* Nice view of Beefy's Fast Food Hut corporate offices
* No doors top or bottom floor

$95 per month

Itchley Hill Apartments 555-8881

November 7, 2008

Silly Restaurant Orders

The people at would like you to stop by and read their collection of bizarre food/drink orders taken by the servers at Bagwell's Cantina.

They promise the following items:

sun (maybe)
salami soup

Restaurant Orders

November 6, 2008


Eyebrows Anonymous
November get-together

On the agenda:

-- What are we doing with the leftover eyebrows?
-- Q&A with special guest Unibrow Man
-- Tweezers: the best friend you'll never met

Tortilla chips/mild queso dip: Gerald

November 22, 7:00 p.m.
@ Canary St. YMCA

November 5, 2008


One-room school house

HANNINGTON SCHOOL - 175 Merwood Avenue, Kaynesport

Come be a part of The Hannington School, and be a part of the future

We're bringing back:

* Individual chalk boards
* Potbelly stoves
* Standing in the corner
* Dunce caps
* Standing in a dunce cap in the corner

and much more!

Hannington School
555-5003 for winter registration


Young Independents
Emergency post-election meeting


* Who ate all of the election-night fudge?

November 5, 4:00 p.m. @ Carter-Winfrey building

November 4, 2008


Meepos Hauling Service

We haul:

* Aunts/uncles
* Notebook paper
* Photographs of drywall
* Crossing guards
* Roger Ainsworth
* Elbow pads

Call for hourly rates: 555-6734

November 3, 2008

For sale

Pineapple Man Halloween costume

w/fried onion shoes $12
w/out shoes $11

Empty box of baking soda

Perfect for--

- storing change
- fake video camera
- collecting new baking soda
- fake telescope

Tammy 555-7028

November 2, 2008

For sale

Wino Milo's Spirits
Clearance sale

This week's special:
Beer kegs - 50% off

Mustache Dry - $30
Behemoth - $40
Wumperpoddy Light - $30
Pine Cone Ale - $25
Knoxville's Best - $15

Sale ends November 10
Milo's - 55 Amber Lane, Kaynesport

November 1, 2008

Halloween costumes for sale

Isn't it about time you got ready for Halloween, 2009?

Come on down to Holy Halloween's costume sale!

Dr. Lettuce $30
Lampshade $75 *rare*
Molly Fleming, Zobbo's Restaurant waitress $125
Professor Pretzel $12
Possum Man $10


White face paint - 4 tubes for $10
Sour patch kids - 2 bags for $2
Sour Patch Kids t-shirts (w/drowning taco photo) $10 each

Holy Halloween - 810 Market Street

October 31, 2008


"The westernsouth's finest drive-in."

Murray's - 14 East Landers Ave., Dylan


Spicy Mustard 2: Escape from the Shopping Cart
Edgar and Sandeep need bus fare
Nerdy Dancing
I sleep in the woods
Gravy Expectations

Empty bags of Sour Patch Kids: 10 for $1

555-0011 for show times

October 30, 2008


One-Hour Sandwich Shop

Bring in your bread, your lunchmeats, even your condiments and we'll make you a sandwich in one hour or less!

Some of the benefits of having your sandwich made with us:

* Complimentary lettuce
* Bring the family and cool off in our brand-new Dijon Pool
* Spend $50 or more and get your picture taken with Bologna Man (autograph on picture: $5)

775 Wayley Avenue, Kemple

October 29, 2008


Does your child have a name?

Nothing is more embarrassing than having a nameless child, wandering around, bumping into things.

Hire ME to name your child!

* Over 20 years of experience

Sold out names


Call for prices
Ian 555-3469


Beefy's Fast food Hut - Store #317
Emergency staff meeting

- What not to do with the Polynesian sauce

November 2, 1:00 p.m.

October 28, 2008

Closings: The Ernst: 7/7/1949 - 11/11/2008

Come help us say goodbye to Ernst Hardaway Field (home of the Pigeons), November 11.


The Ernst has hosted:

- 22 MSAA Championship Games
- 1971 Septic Tank Pull
- The Reverend Riley Ocean
- Four NLBSC All-Star games
- Pope John Paul II using the restroom-June, 1981

Pre-game ceremony: 6:00 p.m.
FINAL GAME - Pigeons vs. Hannington City: 7:00 p.m.

* First 5,000 fans in attendance receive a complimentary Stylin' Stan Peacock bobblehead doll

Tickets: 1-555-ERNSTTIX

October 27, 2008

Monday TV listings

WDER's Monday lineup!


We're living in the walk-in closet! - 8:00 p.m.

We catch up with the Hendersons and see who will be voted out of the closet this week.

So, you wanna be a mall Santa - 8:30 p.m.
Dominic gets peed on and Terry deals with the child that has everything.

Make me a cheeseburger! - 9:00 p.m.
Math Tutor Swap - 9:30 p.m.


Section 6 - 8:00 p.m.

Junior Sherman (Chubby Camp 2) stars in the coming-of-age story about a boy who grew up on the wrong side of town, but with the right color slippers. Also starring: Boo Boo Shoshane, Liza McCafferty

October 26, 2008

Sports Memorabilia Auction

November 17, 7:00 p.m. at the Chudington Lake Ballroom in Dylan County.


Autographed baseballs

Anson Kermitshire

Corby Celshaw

1972 Shonsen City Roadrunners

Game programs

1993 Dave LaPoint 14-under World Series, Game 7
2002 NSLTA Champonship Series

Misc. items

- Corey Bankhouse game-worn eye black

Chudington Lake Ballroom - 550 Sherman Street

Buy my air

Have you ever thrown air, or traded air with your friends?

Or maybe you're just looking for some new air in your life to breathe in or suck up through a straw.

Well now you can have both!

Only $25 per box

"It's the perfect holiday gift for the breather in your life."

-- Vincent, 33

"Air is so this year".

-- Julie, 16

Randy "Air" Jornin 555-3818

October 25, 2008

Home for sale

1 BR

- Spacious kitchen
- Perfect for storing children; apples

** Stairs coming - January, 2009**

Make us an offer
Beth and Tymothy 555-4200

October 24, 2008

Late night Bobby


5 Miller High Lifes

$3 each
2 for $5

Hurry, thousands interested.

Gregory 555-6111

Personalized match books

Most popular:

- "Sebastian's matches"
- "Maple Syrup Man"
- "Dan"

500 for $60 or 1,000 for $100
Sebastian's Matchbooks 555-3982

October 23, 2008

For sale

Stuffed animals

We're trying to move some of our child's stuffed animals. Nice deals on a lot of items. Plenty of tortoises (5 for $10) and teddy bears.

Gary $4

Mr. Baluga (tiger) $9
Fred (penguin; no eyes) $4
Mrs. Cheese (bear) *rare* $25
Boopa (bear) $15
Julio (boy doll) $3
Jennifer (girl doll) $6

Jim and Lynette 555-4207

October 22, 2008

For sale

Vintage containers

Perfect for-

- Time capsules
- Turnip storage
- Jet pack for possible space exploration
- Telling fake alien stories

And more!

$45 each
Sam 555-5509

Pickles hat

Size 7 3/4

* autographed by Pickle legend Garvin McGown

Junior 555-8123

Club 474

Opening March, 2009


October 21, 2008

For Sale

1992 Blinky-X77 model alarm clock

- "Stone Temple Pilots" written in black magic marker on top of clock
- Alarm time stuck on 5:32 a.m.
- Alarm sound: bwuah, bwuah, bwuah, bwuah, bwuah, bwuah ...

Tyler 555-7102

October 20, 2008

Silly Name Hall of Fame ceremony

The Silly Name HOF induction ceremony is scheduled for November 4 at 7:30 p.m. This month's retirees:


Lifetime achievement award: Porsche

Silly Name HOF
770 Lavender Road

October 19, 2008

For sale

Used books

The Encyclopedia of Dropped Ice Cream Cones - Chocolate House Publishing
The Idiots Guide to Loitering - Van Guard Group
Call me Mr. B: the autobiography of Dennis Haskins - Dennis Haskins

$7 each
Helen 555-4449

October 18, 2008

Spam sandwiches

Another peek inside the Bobby Classifieds spam email box....

October 14, 2008

Dear sir

I have notice you take vacations. You'll be happy you did.

Cruise ship leaves, no Mondays.

Rogelio Mansur

October 16, 2008


Need help pleasing of your ladies? Proving effect on your rod is just a phone booth away. Find womens and buy the lovers package.


Call for actors and actresses!


The Jean Shorts Theater Company is looking for actors and actresses to audition for roles in the upcoming musical The Olly Porter Story.

Audition for the roles of:

Old Olly
Mrs. Applegate
Coach Whitmore
Polly Peterson
Duffy the Dream Turtle
Voice of evil sideburns

Auditions: November 1-4, 8:00 p.m. - 11:30 p.m.

October 17, 2008

TV listings

WSOO's new fall reality TV lineup

Get me out of this walk-in freezer!
Granddaugther Swap
Will you marry my son?

Shows premiere October 29

October 16, 2008


Need your grass cut?

File photo

Professional lawn manicurist for hire

** My lawn mowing speed has been clocked at 9 MPH, 2nd-fastest in the nation (Jimmy Stansbury)
** I have my own Shabazz-Z750 mower, the same mower that was used in the movie Gang Green Thumb

Extra services/specials:

- Squirrel poisonings - 3 squirrels for $25
- Beehive removal - $5/hive
- Surf board designs in lawn

Kevin 555-0111

October 15, 2008

Pet personal ads


SWBC, age 7. I love bacon and short walks to my liter box. Call me, I'm probably under the bed.

Bernie box 345

SWC, age 11. I'm a former Book Case-Fighting world champion. Now I'm just looking for a nice, young lady to help me eat my retirement cat nip.

Mittens box 871


SBTD, age 5. I haven't been fixed yet and I'm tired of the same, old table legs and human ankles. In 2006, I set a Hannigan County record for longest AWP (against the wind pee).

Mookie box 551

October 14, 2008

Services Provided

Lunch companion for hire

Feeling lonely at lunch? If you're looking for someone to eat with, I'm your man.

* Over 5,000 sandwiches eaten in a 27-year career
* Know how to say "sweet tea with lemon" in seven different languages
* Have my own car

"I ate lunch with Andy and it was wonderful. He ordered a water, but he filled the cup with Diet Coke when the cashier wasn't looking! I still love you Andy!"

- Diane Gafreda, ex-wife

"Me and a few co-workers called him up as kind of a joke one day, but this guy is a real pro. He had a lunch menu rolodex he kept in a little compartment on his belt. He was separating checks for six people in his head. We're going to eat lunch with Andy again on Thursday!"

- Mitch Kellog, 34

The Lunch Guy (Andy Baker)
Call for hourly rates: 555-0113

October 13, 2008

For Sale

Basketball coach

Murray Henning

- 67 years old; head coach for 45 years
- Won "Best Plotka" at the 1993 Hairies

* Coached at Santo Lucas High School (1990-1991). Fired, on run from law enforcement officials, after running over the starting point guard with his car (1988 Pontiac Grand Prix).

Henning: "Kid couldn't run the pick and roll."

* September, 2008, refused to allow his players to wear shorts during practices or games.

$150 or best offer
Vandover Runnin' Ferrets 555-3003

October 12, 2008

For sale


Ceiling Fan Enthusiast
(May, 2004; July, 2004)
Parking Lot (September, 1991)
The Akron Ohioer (January, 2000; August, 2001; December, 2001)

$3 each
Paul 555-8102

October 10, 2008

For sale

Baby teeth

Seven kids, no tooth fairy-you do the math.

We've got dozens of teeth and it cost us hundreds of dollars over the years. We need to start making some of that money back.

$2 each or 10 for $15

Kids: $500 each

Tori and Jacob 555-6200

October 9, 2008

Home for sale

The world-famous Wood House

* As seen in the movie Splinter Man

- Huge upstairs living room
- Swimming pool in the backyard full of wood
- Wood pile front door installed July, 2008

Sanderson Reality 555-6410

October 7, 2008

Personal ads


22, SWM. I hate playing games; except for computer Wheel of Fortune. You want to try on my head dress, don't you? Too bad, you can't.

Toby box 72903

Do I like to ask myself questions and answer them? Yes. Do I think you should call me as soon as you're done reading this? Absolutely. Do I sell my medication and refuse to wear pants on Wednesdays and Thursdays? Possibly.

Dan box 54400

October 6, 2008

For sale

Pro basketball bench

Everything must go before the start of the season-

Short, white guy: Mitch Donaldson

* Crew cut
* Former walk-on at Paymont University; averaged 4.7 ppg and 2.2 apg his senior year

7-3, 210-pound Slovakian: Dominic Hedvika

* Curly, brown perm

Power forward: Ricky "Lemontree" Daniels

* 6-4, 355 pounds
* Won three consecutive national pepperoni log eating contests (1998-2000)

Trainer: James

Eight red, folding chairs

Make us an offer

Cain City Mavericks

October 4, 2008


Do you have to go to the bathroom and you've been having trouble deciding where to go?

Come on down to the future site of the 17th Avenue Beefy's Fast Food Hut and take a pee, a poo or both in our brand-new Porta-johns.

- Nicknamed "The Dream Team" by several national publications
- Each 6-6, 450 pounds
- BYOPTSC (bring your own paper toilet seat covers)

Rental price: $.50 per minute

Peppo's Construction 555-0108

October 3, 2008

Wide receiver for sale

Jimmy Washington
Age: 23

2nd-year pro

* tall, great hands, speaks in 1st person

We really don't have any place for him on our roster. He never says a word, loves not only his quarterback, but all quarterbacks.

Couple other things:

1. The fans gave him a nickname and he said "I don't want it."
2. No arrest record
3. Tattoo of himself giving a hug to a small child on his right bicep

He's a real problem and it's time for all of us to move on.

Make us an offer

Sanderson Valley Cobras 555-1323

October 1, 2008

House for sale

Two-story home in the heart of the Overalls District.

* Carport perfect for parking car/guest room
* Beautiful view of the gravel road
* Hollow inside

Kaye and Eddie 555-8000

September 30, 2008

Meet Carl Clepper, October 25!

The former lead guitarist for The Mossy People will be autographing his new solo album, Corn on the Cob Man Revival, at the Midtown Beefy's Fast Food Hut from 1:00 p.m. - 3:30 p.m.

Midtown Beefy's FFH: 555-2345

September 29, 2008

Nose pick Mondays

Jean shorts for sale

Bedroom-wide clearance. Find all of your jean short needs in one place.

Black - $7 each
Dark blue - $4 each
Yellow w/ NASCAR logo on backside - $25
Purple - $5 each or 3 for $10
White w/Fat Albert's head on left leg - $10
Light Blue w/six pockets - $3

Robbie 555-3221

September 28, 2008

Meetings posted

The Pet Store
October staff meeting

Items to discuss:

- How much bird seed eaten is too much bird seed eaten?
- The whereabouts of Molly the Ferret

October 4, 7:00 p.m.

Friends of Teresa Bailey
Emergency fall meeting

* Teresa's mother is in town: who's picking her up at the airport?

Thursday, October 9, 8:00 p.m.

Vanilla wafers: Gary

September 27, 2008

Personal ads


I'll show you the world, or at least my little part of the world located in mom's attic. I like chicken noodle soup with Saltines-if you don't like it, there's the door! (I'll point to the door when the time is right).

Roderick box 11116

I want to no you.

Vince box 44001


My sister Hillary, "Miss Perfect", is getting married in March, 2009. I'd like to finally beat her at something, so I need to get married before she does. You can help make that happen. No half-thumbs.

Janet box 77991

September 26, 2008

Thoughts for sale

My thoughts just aren't selling like I thought they would. These are some of my more recent thoughts, now available at low, low prices.

- Sock puppet color scheme regret
- My hiring, firing, re-hiring and re-firing at Applebees
- My father's new girlfriend, Sharon's new chin
- What is he think he's doing?
- Dennis Haskins
- Interview with Kenny "Sky" Walker. We become friends and rent a two-bedroom apartment

$3 each
Danny 555-8108


Visit the world-famous Sammybee Park playground!

*Now with 17% less urine; 5% less poo
*Over 130,000 wood chips (most in North America)
*The Crush Monster has been removed

Grab the kids and come check out....

- Two new slides: "The Rotini" & "The A.C. Slater"

All-day passes
$55 adults
$47.50 children under 11

Sammybee P&R 555-6105

September 25, 2008


Carlton Henning

The old rascal finally died (wine cork overdose). Governor of Pierce City from 1917-1919; impeached April, 1919 for misappropriation of penguins. Sadly, never fulfilled his lifelong dream of becoming a lifelong dreamer. Survived by his step-son Elijah (131) and his wife, Mary (83).

Helen Farqua


Helen was married six times to four different men and one rhinoceros. Lived through the Refried Bean shortages of 1913 and 1926. Funeral services: October 2, 5:00 p.m., then it's off to Patty Q's for beer and wings.

September 24, 2008

For rent


Denny Winfield (45) and Olin Barker (41)

Both Winfield (left) and Barker are 15-year veterans of softball and baseball umpiring.

Strike calls-

Olin: Hike!

* Have both been told repeatedly to get a pair of glasses but they refuse

$75 for the pair/game
Bibblow County Umpires Association 555-7303