April 30, 2013

For sale

Empty mustard packet collection

* Over 400
* Comes with some free mustard

Entire collection or individual packets available
Dottie  555-6117

April 29, 2013


Need baby photos of Joe Maglio?

Linda Maglio  555-7775

For sale

1/2 burrito

* Comes with three napkins *

Sarah  555-7997

April 28, 2013

For sale

Reality TV on DVD

* How many corn chips are under the seats of my car?! - Season 6
* Grandpa Swap - Season 3
* Paper Boys: Kansas City
* Napping with the Stars - Complete series (w/extended scenes)

$7 each
Gavin  555-2020

April 27, 2013


Professional paper clip taste-tester for hire

* Over 25 years of experience *

For limited time, also taste-testing:

* Envelopes
* Grandpa hair
* Mailbox flags
* Toll booth operators' fingers
* Mustard water
* Knobs on kitchen appliances

Call for rates and availability
Clyde  555-6888

April 26, 2013


Clock Watcher's Society - Piso Valley chapter
Spring meeting

Items to discuss:

* What we liked/didn't like about 8:45 p.m. last Tuesday
* The pilot for our first original educational program The Minute Hand did not get picked up
* Vacation schedule, June 4: Marty 9:35 a.m.-11:10 a.m., Phyllis 11:25 a.m.-1:00 p.m.
* When is it going to be 11:05 a.m. again?

May 1 at headquarters

April 25, 2013


Kaynesport Community College
New summer classes offered soon!

* History of the Hat

- Pre-requisite: History of Hair

* Survey: Guys Named Drew

- Pre-requisite: Ladies Named Drew

* Corridors 101

- Pre-requisite: Honors High School Hallway

* Intro to Leaves

* How to Peel a Grapefruit

- Pre-requisite: Where Can I Buy a Grapefruit?

Registration begins May 30

April 24, 2013


Lavelle Rondo High School yearbook staff
April meeting

On the agenda:

* No matter how many photos they send, there's no such thing as the Beer Funneling Club
* "Worst Breath" is not a senior superlative

April 28, 3:45 p.m. in the media center

April 23, 2013


Need pages turned?


- $.50 per page (softcover)
- $.75 per page (hardcover)
- Magazines: $.35 per page

Carpet sample books

- $1 per turn (must provide ride to store)

Road atlas

- $7/half hour (includes 30-second back massage)

** Also, in lieu of payment, customers may also provide the equivalent in lettuce. Ask about our conversion rates. **

Joseph Maglio Jr.  555-9996

April 22, 2013

Public Service Announcement

Each year, millions of slices of bread are separated from loved ones.

Help us reunite breads with their loaves.

Hotline: 555-4889

April 21, 2013

For sale

Reality TV on DVD

* Take My Nephew To The Orthodontist! - reunion show special
* Bike Helmet Swap - season 5
* The Real Fire Ant Hills Of Plumptin City Park - season 4
* At The Water Fountain With The Stars - final season w/deleted scenes

$5 each
Quentin  555-0032

April 20, 2013



* Partially-eaten, missing since Thursday
* Doesn't respond to Lenny

Valarie & Tevin  555-4007

April 19, 2013

For sale

Spaghetti noodles

* 33 are cooked, 11 are uncooked

$.75 each or entire lot for $30
Marge  555-4449

April 18, 2013

For rent

Home for rent

1/16 BR

* Used in the filming of the reality TV spinoff series Are You STILL Smellier Than A 3rd Grader?
* Close proximity to sand road 5

Sandy & Diane 555-8781

April 17, 2013

April 16, 2013


Sock-removal service

"I'll remove your sock in 30 seconds or less or my name isn't Trevor."

- Left foot: $3/sock
- Right foot: $2.50/sock

Spring, 2013 special

- Have three or more socks removed, get one hat removed FREE

Vince  555-4008

April 15, 2013

For sale

Used books

What To Expect When You're Expecting Mail - Ed. Bernice Clifford
The Girl With The Washing Machine Tattoo - Percy Vernon
Idiot's Guide To Ant Farms - Chocolate House Publishing

$6 each
Sarah 555-7722

April 14, 2013

For sale

Used car

* 290,000 miles
* Missing left passenger-side door, portions of the hood
* Plenty of sunflower seed shells under the driver seat

Jimmy  555-7702

"If you owned this car, you'd be home by now."

- Jimmy

April 13, 2013

For sale

Un-cooked pasta

* 18 rotini noodles available & three pieces of spaghetti (not pictured) also available
* Ask about our layaway plan

$3 each or all 21 for $50
Kenneth & Evan  555-1003

April 12, 2013


Need to know the temperature?

* 50 degrees or higher: $3
* 49 degrees or lower: $4.50

Joe Maglio  555-9995

April 11, 2013

For rent

Bed in one-room apartment

* Made entirely of leaves
* Just a four-second walk to the bathroom
* Free leaves with rental agreement

Dwayne  555-1118

** Call now and get twig/branch pillow rental for just $3 **

April 10, 2013

For rent

Styrofoam peanuts

* 23 pieces 
* Rent entire lot for half-hour increments, or by the piece

Call for pricing list and availability
Roderick  555-4775

April 9, 2013

For sale

Reality TV on DVD

* The Real Hornet Nests of the Kaynesport DMV - season 2
* Trying On Chinos With The Stars - season 3
* Get My Grandpa Out Of The Bathtub! - season 1 w/deleted scenes

$3.75 each
Adrianna  555-6046

April 8, 2013

Item found

Bike pedal

Found Saturday out in front of my house. 

If he belongs to you, give us a call.

Didn't answer to Calvin or Alvin.

Diane & Vernon

April 7, 2013


At a stop light the other day I asked several times if I could get in your car and if you'd like to have my gum because it had lost its flavor.

I noticed you weren't able to take your eyes off of me.

Which shoe, left or right, was I missing?

"Mystary man"  555-7259

April 6, 2013


Kaynesport Astros adult league baseball
Pre-season team meeting

On the agenda:

* That's not what the baseline chalk is for
* There's no such thing as throwing out the ceremonial first lawn chair
* Only one person at a time is allowed to bat

April 9, 2:30 p.m. at coach Paddock's apartment

April 5, 2013

For sale

Radish shooter

* Comes with four rounds of radishes and its own holster
* Used by Myron Sanders during his silver medal-winning performance at the 2006 Salads

** Free sports bottle of ranch dressing with purchase

Patricia  555-4779

April 4, 2013

TV listings

WDER's new Thursday lineup

7:00 p.m. - Peggy & Chip Sing The Local News
8:00 p.m. - Do You Have More Head Lice Than A Third Grader?
8:30 p.m. - Reading Ketchup Ingredients With Terrell
9:00 p.m. - F.A.H. (Finding Acorns a Home) weekly meeting telecast
10:00 p.m. - Pointing At Gravel With Pavel


Kaynesport - channel 23
Ookamondo - channel 44
East Plumptin - channel 37

April 2, 2013


Need directions to Joe Maglio's house?

Joe Maglio  555-9995

** Other Maglios: ask for pricing list

April 1, 2013

Help wanted

I need help paying my library fines.

* $12.50 owed
* I'm at the water fountain just outside the main lobby of the Kaynesport Public Library, wearing blue jeans and a red t-shirt. I'll be pretending to drink water, just tap me on the shoulder to get my attention.
* First person to answer this ad will receive one free I'VE GOT THE NEED, THE NEED FOR READ bookmark.

555-8119 (if you're at the other water fountain and need to get in touch with me)