July 31, 2012


Thigh drumming lessons available

* I can teach in seated positions (in car, on couch) or special walking thigh drumming lessons (inquire within)
* Fingers & Palms 101
* Special whistling-while-thigh-drumming lessons also available

Call for pricing list
Calvin  555-1771

July 30, 2012


Kaynesport Buffaloes 8-under football
First team meeting/practice

Things to discuss:

* Where is our end zone?
* How much grass eaten is too much grass eaten?
* Where is the other team's end zone?

Today, 4:00 p.m. at field 7

July 29, 2012

For sale

- All sizes/smells available
- Mention this ad receive 10% off any Asian eight months or younger

August 4, 10:00 a.m. - 6:00 p.m.
717 Plumport Lane, West Plumptin

July 28, 2012


French fries

* About 20 fries missing
* Last seen: on my table at Beefy's Fast Food Hut #73, Wednesday evening at about 7:45 p.m.
* Reward ketchup offered

Katherine  555-4002

July 27, 2012


Kaynesport Terriers 8-9 year old summer baseball
Team meeting

Items to discuss:

* Only one person at a time is allowed to pitch
* Catchers: please put your undershirt and jersey on before your chest protector

July 29, 4:00 p.m. at field 8

July 26, 2012

For rent


* Near-mint condition
* Perfect for seeing out of

$4/half hour
Dwayne  555-0022

July 25, 2012


Human air conditioner/heater available

- Three levels of power (ear pulls):

* Low, one pull
* Medium, two pulls
* High, three pulls

- Also available:

* Swinging from bungee cord, "ceiling fan style"
* Squirting water (by request)

- Prices by the hour or special weekend-long discounts

Call for pricing list
Joe Maglio  555-9995

July 24, 2012

For sale

Potato chips

- Two dozen in many different shapes and sizes for sale

Open kitchen cabinet: October 4 from 12:00 to 5:00 p.m. at 753 Apollo Street, Plumptin

July 23, 2012

For sale

Reality TV on DVD

* Who Won't Get Heat Exhaustion? - Season 4
* Bad Produce Club - Final season w/outtakes
* Give Me Back My Teeth! - Season 2
* Prison Racquetball: Semi Finals
* Who Wants To Throw Cabbage At A Millionaire? - Season 6

$8 each
India  555-6781

July 22, 2012

For sale

Above-ground pool

* Comes with one raccoon (Randy) and one grandpa (Merle) and one raccoon-grandpa couple (Ulysses & Hank)
* Used as mayonnaise storage facility (February, 2010-present)
* Must also purchase back lawn

Ben & Diane 555-9641

July 21, 2012

Pet turtle for sale

Age: 5

* Won "most exciting new shell" and "fastest" at 2009 Tortoises
* Once ate a bottle cap
* Great listener

$40 or best offer
Trent 555-1018

July 20, 2012

For sale

Bar soap shooter

* Comes with its own holster
* Used by Eli Moort during his bronze medal-winning performance at the 2004 Shower Olympics
* Free paper cup of shampoo with purchase

Patricia  555-4779

July 19, 2012

For hire


"You tried that guy over there, why don't you try another guy who is standing just a little bit closer to you?"

* I'm about 5-8, 170 pounds with long, brown hair
* I will lead you to salvation, or to the all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet, whichever is first on my bus route
* I have my own robe


- Directions to the nearest church
- Replica Jesus wigs
- The answers to life's questions, including

1. What time is it?
2. Is Vernon a good name for a parakeet?
3. Well, what time is it now?
4. Can I just ask one more question?

- Hugs (ladies only)
- In-home sermons:

* "Dozens of other uses for mayonnaise"
* "God says it might be time for some new living room curtains"
* "When is this sermon going to end?"

Call for rates and availability
Horace 555-8118

July 18, 2012

For sale

1/2 turkey sandwich

* Includes 22% more lettuce than any other sandwich in my house

Brendon 555-2031

July 17, 2012

For sale


[photo aged 4 minutes]

$3 or best offer
Kenneth  555-8778

* Hurry, Suzie & Darren are interested **

July 16, 2012

Public Service Announcement

Help put an end to patio chair-on-patio chair crime.

On August 9, vote "yes" on proposition 355

July 15, 2012

For sale

Bill for new tires

* $187.79 owed
* I'm at the Tire Shop on Crosby Street, at register six, and I'm wearing blue jeans and a red t-shirt. I'll be waving my arms and saying "over here".
* Old tire, nail in tire free with purchase

Edwin  555-6116

July 14, 2012


Sid's Seafood Palace
Staff meeting

On the agenda:

* The customers are not allowed to bring home their table and chairs
* Please stop accepting peanut shells as currency
* The birthday song does not include the phrase "stupidest day of the year"

July 16, 2:00 p.m.

July 13, 2012


Kaynesport Community College
New summer classes offered!

* Intro to Water Fountains

- Pre-requisite: Honors High School Water 101 

* Survey: Women Named Dorothy

- Pre-requisite: Women Named Beth

* Understanding Ice Cubes Trays

- Pre-requisite: Understanding Ice Cubes

* Where's the Math & Science Building?

- Pre-requisite: When Is The Campus Shuttle Going To Get Here?

Register today!
Kaynesport CC 555-2391

July 12, 2012

Child for sale

Age: 8

Pluses: Nose picks at a 4th grade level
Minuses: Pet gerbal missing since last Tuesday
Claim to fame: Won 2010 neighborhood leaf eating contest
Secret shame: Lost a school spelling bee when he misspelled the word "spelling"

Awards received at this year's baseball team banquet:

- Worst Slide
- Base Running Fall Down Award
- Mom With the Worst Breath
- Longest Cry

Dominique & Brad  555-8185

July 11, 2012


Summer specials from Joe Maglio

* Pointing at the elderly
* Banana peeling (prices by the half hour)
* "Watch out for that rain puddle!"
* Recipes:

- Feathers in chocolate sauce
- Tear soup
- Tap water in cup

Call for pricing list

July 10, 2012

Public service announcement

Support the Big Screens Program and make a difference in a television's life.

Call 555-7551 to become a mentor

July 9, 2012


Need a guy named Stan to walk around with and say "that's the plan, Stan" to?

I'm your man. (Stan)

I've had over 35 years as a Stan (my 36th birthday is August 7 in case you're a planner), and I would love to be able to say "it sure is the plan, Dan", so if your name is Dan, that's a plus.

Affordable rates available
Stan  555-6688

July 8, 2012


Robert, Glenn & Glenn Jr.

* Impersonating a tube of toothpaste
* Misappropriation of Calvins
* Seltzer with a minor
* Ant farm custody
* Possession of counterfeit airplane bathroom hand sanitizer with intent to distribute
* Rooster profiling
* Wrongful limousine massaging

Call for rates and availability  555-2471

July 7, 2012

For sale


* White w/tree branches
* Sat on by Alvin Lawrence (May, 2010)
* Interesting trades for couch cushions considered

Kent 555-2332

July 6, 2012


Need someone to a ring a door bell for you?

Joe Maglio  555-9995

July 5, 2012

For sale


* Over 15 ants free with purchase

Claire 555-6117

July 4, 2012

For sale

Reality TV on DVD

* Will Someone Take My Daughter To The Prom? - Season 1
* Are You Fatter Than Demetri? - Complete series
* Bus Stop - Final season

$5 each
Gaby  555-0100

July 3, 2012

For sale

Garbage can of leaves

$.25 per leaf or entire can for $170

Chuck & Maria  555-3227

** Ask about our installment plans **

July 2, 2012


Kaynesport Titans Baseball
Additions to the 2012 promotional calendar

July 10 - Bring Your Houseplant to the Ballpark
July 14 - Blank Video Cassette Day
August 3 - Throw Eggplant At The Right Fielder
August 21 - Photograph of hot dog (first 15,000 fans)
September 16 - Mini Titans helmet of shampoo

Call 555-4883 for tickets

July 1, 2012


Advice man for hire

* Taking a push broom into the shower
* Don't paint your house with ketchup
* What costumes not to wear to a church bake sale
* Where does she think she's going?
* Don't wash your car with grapefruit juice

Call for rates and availability
Kenneth 555-4029