December 31, 2011


Need to knock on a door?

Joe Maglio 555-9995

December 30, 2011

For sale

VHS movies

The Greatest Hoagie Roll to Ever Mold
Scotch Tapes of Wrath
Desperately Seeking Dental Floss
Arm Rest of the Opera

$4 each
Gwen 555-6681

December 29, 2011


Plumptin Referee's Association
Post-season meeting

Items to discuss:

* For next season, please put your microphone & belt on after your pants
* The following was called on three separate occasions in 2011 and is not a penalty: "illegal nose on the face"

December 30, 2:00 p.m. at PCRA headquarters

December 28, 2011

For sale

Santa beard

- White w/honey mustard dressing
- Used in the filming of the holiday reality TV show Help, I Married A Mall Santa!

Chuck 555-7791

* Hurry, Trevor is interested

December 27, 2011


Meet Barry!

January 4 from 1:00 p.m.-3:00 p.m. in front of Pond 7

December 26, 2011

Public Service Announcement

Sofas shouldn't be caged

Help us free the Kaynesport couch hostages in time for next Christmas.

Call 555-3381 for more information

For sale

Discount Christmas items

* Photos of Santa Claus

- Asleep with ants crawling in his beard
- Santa vs. Grandma arm wrestling, semi finals (6 photos)

* Christmas DVD

- Waiter, There's An Elf Ear In My Soup: The Closing Of Shanahan's Bar & Grill

CD singles

- O' Holey Socks - The Pool Boys
- Whose Baby Daddy Is This? - Peggy Cliff All Stars

Call for pricing list
Harriet & Toby 555-4682

December 25, 2011


It's the 27th annual Peggy Cliff holiday concert!

Get your tickets now:

Reserved seating: $75
Lettuce pit: $40
Wheelbarrow rentals (general admission): $5

Peggy will be singing all of her hits:

* "I Saw Mommy Kissing Everyone"
* "Ya'll Can Keep 'Em (My Two Front Teeth)"
* "(Countin' On) Pigeon Folk"
* "It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like January"
* "There Used To Be A Bald Spot"
* "I Saw Mommy Kissing Trevor's Mommy"

December 30, 7:00 p.m. at Plumptin Arena
Box office: 555-4493

December 24, 2011

For sale


* Gravel
* Close proximity to the mailbox
* Starred in the 2007 film Snow Shoveling At Tiffany's

$600 for entire driveway
Tiffany 555-2866

December 23, 2011


Kaynesport Aeros basketball
Additions to the 2011-2012 promotional calendar

January 7 - Couch Cushion Night
January 28 - Throw tangerines at the owner's son
February 4 - Bowl of oatmeal (first 5,000 fans)
February 6 - Window Night
March 11 - Stray cat (first 2,500 fans 14-under)
April 1 - Phonebook Day

For tickets, call 555-3301

December 22, 2011

For sale

Documentaries on DVD

* Gimme A Glass of Water (Forehead, Live at Kaynesport Amphitheater, 6/7/03)
* There's A Man Over There Screaming at an Oak Tree
* Earburgers: The Closing of Vinny's Fast Food Palace

$6 each
Giovante 555-2000


Onion Rings Fast Food - Store #214
Staff meeting

On the agenda:

* Please stop accepting raisins as currency
* The drive-thru window does not double as a confessional booth
* Meet your new assistant manager in charge of reaching for things, Debra Barone

Saturday at 10:30 a.m.

December 21, 2011

For sale

Reality TV shows on DVD

* Watch Me Eat Tree Branches - Final season
* Janitor Wives - Season 2
* Who Wants to Throw Lettuce at a Millionaire? - Season 1

$8 each
Wendy 555-2911

December 20, 2011

Item found


We found him outside our apartment the other night; seems to be missing most of his face and perhaps some other accessories.

If he's yours, give us a call.

No reward money is necessary, but perhaps we could talk about an even trade for a snow shovel.

* Doesn't respond to Randal or James *


December 19, 2011


What the Book? reading group
Winter meeting

Books to discuss:

* What To Expect When You're Expecting Ear Hair - Ed. Simon Paul
* You Can't Take These Leaves With You - Barbara Sherner
* To Staple Things To A Mockingbird - Henry Raulston

December 21, 7:00 p.m. at Dale's house

December 18, 2011

For sale

Empty ketchup packet collection

* Over 500
* Comes with some free ketchup
* Interesting trades for unopened ketchup packets considered

Entire collection or individual packets available
Kent 555-6117

December 17, 2011

For rent

Protest signs

"Get your cat out of my mailbox!"
"Cooper High: give us back our cafeteria worker"!
"Guns don't kill people, drinking upholstery cleaner kills people"
"My shoulder hurts!"

Each sign $2/hour
Kathy 555-1081

December 16, 2011

For sale

Christmas lights

- One strand
- Comes with building & vintage hand truck
- Chair sold separately

Rick 555-5853

* Hurry, many interested *

For sale

Ernie Malcolm autographed bread

Dante 555-8810

December 15, 2011


Soup Shack
Staff meeting

Items to discuss:

* Hot dog bun soup has been taken off the menu
* Please stop accepting empty beer cans as currency

December 17, 10:00 a.m.

December 14, 2011

For sale

Green beans

$.40 each or all three for $1
Garrett 555-4182

** Hurry, Barry is interested **

December 13, 2011


Kaynesport Church
Parish meeting

On the agenda:

* Despite what former organist Mitch Kershaw might've told you, our January 8 musical program will not be "all nude"
* We can not replace the holy water with spicy mustard
* Our Christmas Eve Santa vs. Jesus wrestling match has been postponed

December 22, 7:00 p.m.

For sale

Reality TV on DVD

* Get Me Out of this Washing Machine! - Season 4 (w/deleted scenes)
* Bag Boys: Sacramento
* Grandma Swap - Seasons 2 & 3
* My Feet Hurt! - Season 1

$7 each
Vanessa 555-3425

December 12, 2011


The Plumptin County Festival is back!
February 3-5, 2012

"byOs: bring your OWN socks."

Musical acts scheduled to appear:

* Forehead
* Peanut Butter Face
* Acorn
* The Peggy Cliff All-Stars
* Behind the Refrigerator

Special events:

- Staple things to Lyle Peterson booth
- Coleslaw dunk tank
- Goldfish marriage ceremonies
- Penny-eating contest


* Yes

For tickets call the Plumptin County Fairgrounds - 555-6673

December 11, 2011


Door-to-door door salesman

"Get the door, it's a door."

* Also available for sale:

- Other door-to-door door salesmen
- Copies of the best-selling book The Idiot's Guide To Knocking
- Lettuce doors

* I also starred in the hit play Door Bell Ring of a Salesman (Fall, 1991)

Pete 555-5733

December 10, 2011

For rent


* White
* One hole (right big toe if worn correctly)
* Starred in the award-winning play adaptation of the 2009 film Things We Lost In The Potato Salad

Bernie 555-9117

December 9, 2011


Kaynesport Carolers
Emergency Meeting

On the agenda:

- "All I want removed for Christmas is my ex-husband's two front teeth" has been added to the set list
- There isn't a 13th day of Christmas for wine coolers

December 10, 9:00 a.m. at headquarters

December 8, 2011

Casting call

Feathers Playhouse is looking for actors and actresses to audition for the following roles in the upcoming play Desk Chair on the Roof

* Half-ear Earl
* Sawdust salesman Ronnie Clyde
* Sylvester the talking toothbrush of wisdom
* Lettuce Boy/Lettuce boy alter-ego Peyton Jones
* Sneezes the Clown
* Evil Janice
* Security guard, mud pit 3
* Beverly the break dancing zucchini

** We're also looking for actors to play the parts of David and Goliath, but in hippo costumes **

Auditions are December 11 from 10:00 a.m. until 4:00 p.m. at Feathers Playhouse - 414 Ebeneezer Crossing, East Plumptin

December 7, 2011

Personal ads


SBM, age 32. I've got my ex-wife's name tattooed on my right arm. Her name is Bobby.

Looking for a woman, or man, named Bobby.

Charles box 40029

Former toupee model with the heart of a goldfish.

Marty box 20007


I've had several relationships end near the women's restroom at Bert's Buffet.

Looking for a man who doesn't work at Bert's Buffet.

Claire box 88117

Let's get together and start a family (of otters).

Vanessa box 90906

I need a ride to the hair salon.

Deidra box 66700


Single, brown chocolate bar, Melting.

Randy box 51556

December 6, 2011

Public Service Announcement

Help prevent young bread rolls from turning to a life on the streets.

Call 555-5051 to find out how you can help

December 5, 2011

Apartment for rent

1/2 SINK

* Three eggs in refrigerator free with rental agreement
* Toilet removed August, 2011
* Apartment used in the filming of the 2008 documentary Here Comes The Exterminator

Reggie 555-7363

December 4, 2011


Kaynesport Chamber of Commerce
Prop bills to be voted on December 5

83 - Legality of deodorant on toast
106 - Separate but equal: living room furniture
180 - Wearing a poncho into the shower
247 - Eliminate the letter R from all restaurant menus
260 - Ban same-sex Christmas caroling

Kaynesport Chamber of Commerce - 425 Lyle Sherwood Lane, downtown

December 3, 2011

Personal ad

SGK, age 1. Looking for a companion; doesn't necessarily have to be a member of the grasshopper family, but must be cone-headed.

* Have my own place in a luxurious, downtown thicket
* Member of the acapella group Treble Cliffs

Cliff box 10277

For sale


* Left-footed
* Appeared in the filming of the reality TV show Grocery Store Manager Wives

Bernie 555-9117

December 2, 2011


Joe Maglio robot assistants now available!

Joe Maglio 555-9995

December 1, 2011


Friends of Mitch Richley
December meeting

Items to discuss:

* Who is driving Mitch's mother Harriet to her lip waxing January 3?
* Day of Many Mitches '12 Q&A
* FMR Flashback: February 11, 2008, the day we met Rich Mitchley

December 7, 6:00 p.m. at Trevor's house

November 30, 2011

For sale

Bulk acorns

10 for $2
25 for $4
50 for $7

Let's get you the acorns you deserve

Linda  555-3402

November 29, 2011


Winter 2011 additions to event calendar at Blast! Cola Arena

December 4 - Jewelry Keepers
December 11 - Bryce & Henry sing the football scores
December 19 - Tap-dancing Santa Clauses sing the football scores
December 29 - Countdown to New Years

2012 Concert Series

January 7: Scrambled Eggs
January 24: Pillow don and the feather
February 9: Peanut Butter Face
February 18-19: Kidneyhead

For tickets call 555-2343 or visit the arena box office

November 28, 2011


Courier service

"I'll transport anything."

* Ant farms
* Elderly men named Lester
* Secret government eggplant
* Bags of leaves (maximum four per half hour)
* Photographs of other taxis
* Sealed containers of:

- Air
- Sneezes

Nyjer  555-7174

November 27, 2011


Need some turkey eaten?

Joe Maglio 555-9995

November 26, 2011

For sale

Vinyl record singles

* First Time Ever I Saw Inside Your Nose - Daneeta Grace
* I Saw Mommy Kissing Eleven Santa Clauses - Peggy Cliff
* Stairway To Parking Garage - Rory Vincent Band

$5 each
Buck 555-4393

November 25, 2011

Special offer

Volume 5 of the Idiot's Guide books are now available!

You'll get:

* Wall clock
* Rain puddles
* Glossaries
* Comb

and more!

** Order now and receive Belt free **

Eight full instructional books for the low price of $149.99
Chocolate House Publishing 555-3391

November 24, 2011


Need help naming your ice cubes?

Tired of the names Joe Maglio always gives them?

Vince Maglio  555-9995

November 23, 2011


The People Under Andrea Fleming's Stairs
Winter '11 meeting

Items to discuss:

* The fall formal, "Dancing Under The Stairs": what went wrong
* Our field trip to Andrea's elementary school cafeteria has been moved to January 4

November 25, 4:00 p.m.

November 22, 2011


Hot dog

[Photo taken November 18]

* Reddish-brown
* Last seen Sunday near the stove
* We're very worried, he hasn't been away from the refrigerator since we brought him and his family home from the grocery store
* Reward $$ offered

Gail and Marty 555-7882

November 21, 2011


Semi-pro competitive eating
Additions to 2011-2012 schedule

* All competitions at Plumptin Arena *

November 30 - Styrofoam
December 19 - Socks
January 13 - File folder
January 27 - Puddle water
February 3 - Baseball infield dirt
February 22 - Carpet
March 10 - Bird nest

To register call 555-2291

November 20, 2011

For sale


Clearance sale:

* Lettuce pieces (6)
* Brown stuff
* One slice of formerly white bread
* Refrigerator for sale (inquire within)

(side view, taken November 18, 2011)

Call for pricing list
Ahmad 555-6177

November 19, 2011

For sale


* Used less than 25 times
* Appeared in the filming of the reality TV show Brush My Teeth! - All Stars

Trevon  555-6126

* Hurry, (different) Trevon is interested *

November 18, 2011


Need a pencil sharpened?

Joe Maglio  555-9995

** Must provide pencil sharpener **


Plumptin Times
Editorial meeting

On the agenda:

* Our obituary page is not for dress shoes that had the heel broken off
* No matter how many times they call looking for coverage and send us photographs, sneezing is not a sport
* The religion section will not be replaced by a daily pictorial tribute to the cinnamon bun

November 21, 1:00 p.m.

November 17, 2011

November 16, 2011


I built a hot dog bun boat and I'm going to sail around the world. If interested, give me a call.

(Ladies only)

Jeremy  555-3049

November 15, 2011


Clock Watcher's Society - Ernie County chapter
November meeting

Items to discuss:

* What we liked/didn't like about 10:15 a.m. last Friday
* The pilot for the cartoon Daylight Savings Time did not get picked up
* When is it going to be 4:00 p.m. again?

November 16 at headquarters

November 14, 2011


The Shimples Hall of Fame induction ceremony is scheduled for November 19!

* 2011 HOF inductees

- Player's wing: Pete "Pinches" Jamison
- Mascot wing: Noodles
- Special contribution award: coleslaw vendor Boris Parks

* Season-in-review

- Special video presentation: "Together, We Can Move An Ant Hill - The Story of the 2011 Shimples Champion Kaynesport Ceilingsquirrels"
- Awards show:

* Coach with worst breath
* Longest ear hair
* Most irritating child
* Longest pinch
* Furthest parking space from door
* Largest forehead
* Chicken nugget toes award
* Not invited next year

Come join us Saturday from 7:00 p.m.-10:00 p.m. at the Plumptin Banquet Hall - 560 Piso Street, SE Plumptin

Help wanted

Someone put the flag up on my mailbox. It could've happened any time between November 11th and November 13th, but I need to find out who did this.

* Mailbox flag is black
* Reward junk mail offered

Marcus 555-3221

November 13, 2011


Vote Morris/Fanny '12
Campaign updates

Get on board with the candidate who:

- Voted to abolish all sidewalks
- Owns three goldfish
- Personally led the 2002 Klepitch County wheelbarrow boycotts
- Won 'best eyes' in his high school yearbook

January, 2012 debate schedule

* 1/6 - "The existence of eyebrows on dolphins"
* 1/13 - "Who said that?"
* 1/20 - "I shouldn't have agreed to this debate"

Our "throw things at the candidate" series is back!

* March 3, East Plumptin Hall - handfuls of peanuts
* March 25, Kerwood Manor - VHS cassettes
* April 17, Kaynesport Amphitheater - elementary school children
* May 5, Piso Hall - cough drops
* June 10, Feathers Village - heads of lettuce

Get involved!

We still need volunteers to help with:

* Collecting smiles door-to-door
* Soak the Umbrellaless (February 3-5, 2012)
* County-by-county help to sing the election night results next November

For more details, contact campaign manager Robert Derwood 555-2323

November 12, 2011


Psychiatrist for hire

"Let's squeeze the crazy out of you"

* Fear of singing marshmallows
* Excessive murmuring
* "I make pounds of pasta and pour it into the bathtub"
* The voices inside your car's gas tank
* Fire extinguisher tattoo regret
* Over-nodding

Call for rates and availability
Dorothy 555-8118

For sale


* Missing the 6 and minute hand
* Used in the filming of the 2010 documentary What Time Is It?

Bobby 555-2323

November 11, 2011

Job Board

Employment opportunities for November 12-18

- Piso Playhouse
* Auditions for Death of a Salesman's Camaro November 19 from 1:00 p.m.-5:00 p.m.

Piso PH - 230 Venton Blvd., East Kaynesport

- Brillo pad taste-testers wanted
Feathers Clinic 555-8985

- Delivery boy needed
* Must own wheelbarrow *

- The Chicken Hut - Store #44
Now hiring:

* Assistant manager in charge of disappointed head shakes

- Toothpaste-eating contest judges needed
* Semipro competitive eating 555-4661

- Goldfish funeral director
* Start immediately * 555-1199

November 10, 2011


Big Barry's Buffet
Grand opening!

Exotic menu items:

* Beef knuckles of Jim Bradley
* Yellow stuff in yellow sauce
* Big pot of ears
* Boiled water cup/bowl (seasonal)

Specials deals available:

- New Barry's t-shirts (made of 100% penguin):

"I took a dip in the applesauce pool!"
"Someone pointed me to the restroom at Big Barry's Buffet"

- Hamburger bun free with purchase of hamburger
- Our brand-new Napkins of the World exhibit opens December 7

Big Barry's - 325 Rainbow Blvd., Kaynesport

November 9, 2011


Need a can of soda opened?

Joe Maglio  555-9995

* Now also opening water bottles *


The first annual Grandpa Games will be held at the Kaynesport Amphitheater, December 2-3.

Schedule of events:

10:30 a.m. - Coughing - preliminaries
11:45 p.m. - Flatulence (long program)
2:30 p.m. - Napping - preliminaries
4:45 p.m. - Grandkid 1600 meter carry - finals
5:50 p.m. - Coughing gold medal match
7:30 p.m. - Crossword puzzle "across" - finals
8:30 p.m. - Experimental event: Who has your nose?
9:15 p.m. - Napping - finals
December 3, 6:00 a.m. - Closing ceremonies

For tickets call 555-6772

November 8, 2011


Dance lessons available

I provide instruction for dozens of dances, including:

* "The Perry Tomlinson"
* Slow motion cat chasing its tail
* The Ear Pull
* "Squirrel toss assembly line"
* Raking leaves
* The sassy goldfish
* "Did I put on deodorant?"
* The all-the-air-you-can-grab contest

Call for pricing list
Gwen  555-6681

November 7, 2011

For sale

Lamp shade novelty gifts

Get your shade filled with:

* Sawdust
* Photographs of water fountains
* Dandruff
* Paper clips
* "hope"
* Ice cubes
* Smaller lamp shades

and more

Call for pricing list
Shane's Shades 555-7742

November 6, 2011

Public Service Announcement

No one ever thinks about shopping cart suicide until it happens near your parking lot.

Call 555-9914 to find out how you can make a difference.

November 5, 2011


Kaynesport Animal Hospital
Staff meeting

On the agenda:

- When people board their cats, please do not allow them to sneak a toddler into the cage
- Please refrain from packaging and selling clipped dog nails
- We do not have a drive thru

November 7, 9:30 a.m.

For sale


A Child Called "Shampoo"
The Greatest Sesame Seed Bagel Ever Sold

Home movies:

* Grandma Josephine's "No Wig, No Pants, No Problem" song/dance (Christmas, 1992)
* Family Pine Cone Fight w/ambulance flat tire bonus footage (January, 1996)

$3 each
Gwen 555-6681

November 4, 2011


Kaynesport Leopards semi-pro basketball
Additions to 2011-2012 promotional calendar

November 17: Car Door Night
November 28: Throw sunflower seeds at the referees during pre-game warm ups (1st 2,000 fans 10-under)
December 20: Pick on the assistant coach's son
January 8: Packing Tape Day
January 11: Stick of butter (1st 5,000 fans)

Call 555-LEOP for tickets

November 3, 2011

Letter from the editor

Just a reminder: the hot dog bun-eating contest has been rescheduled for December 7. If you have any interest in being a celebrity judge, please fill out an application indicating involvement in any national mud sculpture contests in the 1980s.

Also, please stop mailing leaves and old light bulbs; the contest ended in September.

- Derwood Morris

For sale

Post-Halloween clearance sale

* Pumpkin mush - $.50/ounce
* Pillow cases - 3 for $5
* Mailbox flag - $1
* "Captain Lettuce" costume (w/out duck sauce gun) - $10
* Elementary school-aged children (prices may vary)

Lance & Maryanne 555-3321

November 2, 2011


What the Book? reading group
Fall meeting

Books to discuss:

* Championship Prison Flag Football Teams - Ed. Pauline Braswell
* Essays on Toast - Mark Benjamin
* An Illustrated History of Napkin-Eating Contests - Chocolate House Publishing

November 3, 4:00 p.m. at the Woodlin Trace Apt. complex gazebo #6

November 1, 2011

For sale

Used Halloween costumes

* The Ticket Taker of the Opera (w/replica rubber theater ticket)
* Peanut Butter Face
* Mailman-in-training Dale Levinstein
* Colonel Salami (w/rare 1970s hoagie roll forearm guards)
* The Pincher

$7 each
Iris 555-3227

October 31, 2011


Kaynesport Bulls 9-under basketball
Team meeting

On the agenda:

* The following players are no longer allowed to shoot: Trey, Keshawn, Chris

November 2, 5:30 p.m. at the rec center

October 30, 2011


Pre-Halloween meeting

Items to discuss:

* Who this year is dressing up as an above-ground pool?
* A pumpkin is not a weapon
* Showing up four hours late to a costume party dressed as November 1st isn't funny two years in a row

October 30, 7:00 p.m. at Randy Turner's apartment

October 29, 2011

For sale

Workout videos on VHS

* Hopping In Place With Pierre
* Come On, Let's Butter Up Paul and Shove Him Through the Doorway
* (Let's Keep) Blubbersizing!

$5 each
Cody 555-4461

October 28, 2011


The Sandwich Hole
Grand opening of our West Kaynesport location!

Summer specials:

* Diced sandals w/mustard sauce
* Ears of Linda on pumpernickel
* The Murray Dandridge
* Paper towel on white

BYOT (Bring your own tomatoes)

Sandwich Hole - 710 Poloca Avenue, Kaynesport

October 27, 2011

For sale

Piece of sausage

* Piece of sweatshirt fuzz included

Brent  555-3887


Need to close a shower curtain?

Joe Maglio 555-9995

October 26, 2011

Religious visions

A vision of our lord and savior, Jesus Christ appeared on pine straw near my house.

Viewings available now and until the end of December.

* $125 per viewing
* Chunks of Jesus Straw™ also available

844 Rainbow Blvd., Kaynesport

October 25, 2011


The Plumptin Buffaloes 40+ adult baseball fall team has been selected!

Final cut list

* Returning player

1. Tommy Potato
2. *Derwood Quintana
3. Pigeon Face Hadley
4. *Jarvis James
5. Sunset Rivers
6. *Kneecaps Graham
7. *Percy Chang
8. Gramps Vernon
9. Ernie Bilbo
10. Timmy Potato
11. Hakeem
12. *Pervis Chang
13. Shu Shin-Wong
14. Crackers Calhoun

First practice: October 29, 6:00 p.m. at field 10

** Please bring your own glove **

October 24, 2011

Public Service Announcement

Do these types of images make you uncomfortable?

This holiday season, let's make sure the sandwiches get eaten.

Call 555-3995 to find out how you can make a difference.

October 23, 2011


Handy man for hire

"I'll take care of all your odd jobs or my name isn't Randal"

* Personal faller
* Vacuuming critic
* Possum interrogation
* "Let's run over to that lady and chew on her toes"
* Directions to the roof
* Pillowcase-eating contest judge

Call for rates and availability
Chuck 555-6019

October 22, 2011

For sale

Two goldfish

* Eddie Jr. and Ozzie
* Both deceased in September
* Appeared in 2010 musical Goldfish of a Salesman
* Interesting trades for living goldfish considered

$3 each or $5 for both
Eddie 555-1818

October 21, 2011


The Game Trough
Grand Re-opening

Top-selling games:

* Breakfast Buffet 2008
* Cumin Seed Man
* Escape From The Dinner Table
* Driveway Thief
* Vacuuming '93
* Cumin Seed Man vs. Canada

The Game Trough - 322 Morris Blvd., Kaynesport

October 20, 2011


Need to open a shower curtain?

Joe Maglio  555-9995

October 19, 2011


Kaynesport High Homecoming Dance
Committee meeting

On the agenda:

* Note to the guys: please put on your cummerbund after your underwear and pants
* Piggy back rides to and from the gym begin at 5:30 p.m. the day of the dance
* The theme 'under the sea' should not be taken literally

October 21, 1:00 p.m. in the media center

October 18, 2011

For rent

Block of cheese

$.75 per small cube or $4 for entire block
Trevor  555-9338

October 17, 2011

For sale

Domain names

$10 each
Terry 555-8810

October 16, 2011

For sale

Reality TV on DVD

* Basketball Usher Wives - Complete series w/deleted scenes
* Watch me Drink Toilet Bowl Cleaner - Final season
* Ant Farm Swap - Season 3

$10 each
Sandra 555-4419

October 15, 2011

Item found


[photo aged 11 minutes]

* Green
* Doesn't answer to Randy or Randal
* He mostly sits on the carpet underneath the coffee table and keeps to himself. Seems homesick.

Keandre  555-3939

October 14, 2011


Friends of Sam Janford
October meeting

Items to discuss:

* Sam's new bicycle shorts: Q&A
* Apologizing to Jan Sanford for the surprise 'birthday kidnapping' and returning him to his calligraphy class
* Our field trip to the tool shed in Sam's backyard has been moved to December 9

October 17, 2:00 p.m. at Ben & Hillary's condo

October 13, 2011

For sale


* Grayish-black
* Used in the filming of the hit reality TV show We're Living on the Roof!

$700 or the equivalent in chimney
Nathaniel & Kiesha 555-8724

October 12, 2011

For sale

Two tickets to Kaynesport Renegades semi-pro fall baseball

* October 27 game vs. Plumptin Bluejays
* Free with purchase: envelope the tickets came in

Hank 555-1819

October 11, 2011

For sale

Used books

* Idiot's Guide to the Spoon - Charlene Hummel
* Portrait of a Wine Stain as a Young Grape - Arthur Clemons
* Devil Wears Elbow Pads - Claire Medlen
* Stop Signs for Dummies - Chocolate House Publishing

$4 each
Linda 555-3401

October 10, 2011


Need help replacing an ant in your ant farm?

Joe Maglio 555-9995

October 9, 2011



* Percy
* Last seen Saturday at the train station, finishing a cigarette butt

East Kaynesport Magicians LLC

October 8, 2011

For sale


* Used in the filming of the hit reality TV show Chair Fights: Baltimore

Barry 555-3447

** Hurry, several people named Henry are interested **

October 7, 2011


Beefy's Fast Food Hut - Store #62
Staff meeting

On the agenda:

* Making the customers do five sets of push ups to receive their change was not on the training video
* The 'french fry in my nose' joke at the cash registers is no longer funny
* Meet our new assistant manager in charge of troubled looks, Dorothy Bainbridge

October 10, 3:30 p.m.

October 6, 2011

For sale

Bologna sandwich

* Perfect for the sandwich eater in your life
* Extra piece of lettuce sold separately
* Interesting trades for photographs of bologna sandwiches considered

Paul  555-4002

October 5, 2011


Psychiatrist for hire

* Jellypantsphobia (fear of a clothed jellyfish)
* Embellishing how often my goldfish speaks
* Whistling battles in bank lines: keeping it real
* Giant mailboxes invade Front Lawn City
* Bottom of foot piercing regret
* "I cook pounds of jasmine rice, pour it into the bathtub and bathe in it"
* Excessive zippering

Call for rates and availability
Claire 555-6643

October 4, 2011

For sale

1/2 cucumber

Cal 555-0017

For sale

Stuffed bear

* "Maurice"
* Ketchup behind left ear still good
* Interesting trades for live bears considered

Ben & Felicity 555-3991

October 3, 2011


Professional pointer for hire

"I'll point at anything"

* Fully-licensed
* Over 40 years of pointing experience
* Once pointed at a building for over 15 minutes 22 seconds (national record)
* Assistant manager in charge of pointing at Beefy's Fast Food Hut #344 (May, 2006-December, 2008)

Call for pricing list
Jill 555-7990

** Now pointing at broken-down vehicles **

October 2, 2011


A Novel Concept book club
October meeting

Books to discuss:

* Turkey Sandwich, Interrupted - Gail Clemens
* The Girl With the Vacuum Cleaner Tattoo - Elliot Shane
* Idiot's Guide to the Faucet - Ed. Samantha Horn
* History of North American Mud Fights - Chocolate House Publishing

October 4, 7:00 p.m. at Ned & Danita's apartment

October 1, 2011

For rent

Basketball goal

* Must provide own net
* Used in the filming of the hit reality TV show Basketball Statistician's Wives
* Wasp nest on rear side of backboard
* Youth player with terrible jump shot and chicken legs (Randal Jr.) free with rental agreement

Randal & Beverly 555-3391

September 30, 2011

For sale

Lemon slice

* RARE *

Boris  555-4662

September 29, 2011


Friends of Barry Neemitz
Fall meeting

Items to discuss:

* Barry's surgery aftermath: auctioning off the old thumbs for charity
* Who is available to drive Barry's grandfather, Calvin, to his Too Many Calvins meeting October 8?
* Our field trip to Barry's mailbox has been rescheduled for November 22

Thursday, 3:00 p.m. at the Corcoran Baptist Church

September 28, 2011


Plumptin Pirates 10-under football
Mid-season award ceremony

To be given out:

- Weakest arm
- Pet with worst breath award
- Least attractive older sister
- Helmet on backwards award
- Worst hand-off

September 30, 6:00 p.m. at O'Shoolihon's

September 27, 2011


Emmit Larsen

Emmit died doing what he loved: arguing with a squirrel on the roof. The founding member of the political activist group S.F.M. (Separation of Feathers & Milk) and protest group GO-FUMS (Get Out From Under My Sink), he also formed the air drumming trio Bologna Face in 1974 and the group played their final show at the 1981 Shovel at the Shore benefit to raise awareness of snow. 

Emmit is survived by a photograph of his goldfish, Marty. 

Funeral services are set for October 1 at 4:30 p.m., then it's off to Padre's for quarter beer night

September 26, 2011

For sale


* Over two pounds available
* Used as a stand-in on the reality TV show Watch Me Eat Mud

Call for pricing list
Stanley 555-3341

September 25, 2011

For sale

DVD for sale
Reality TV

* Are You Fatter Than Andy? - Complete Series
* Paper Boys: Denver
* We're Living on a School Bus! - Season 3
* The Real Bird's Nests of the Wexford Public Library - Final season
* Does Your Grandma Have To Be Here? - Season 7 (w/extended scenes)

$5 each
Keonte 555-0818

September 24, 2011


Need to insult a relative?

Joe Maglio 555-9995

For sale


* Used in the filming of the 2007 reality TV show Will Anyone Go On A Date With My Father?

Dale  555-0440

** Ask about our toupee trade-in options **

September 23, 2011

Pet personal ad

SWBD, age 6. Looking for a nice, young canine to help me bark at the shadows in the garage. If you've got things crawling around on your back, that's a plus.

* Breath must smell like rotten earthworms or worse *

Bruce  box 76991

September 22, 2011

For sale

Car door

* Blue w/some deer blood
* Free with purchase:

- six pennies, four nickels

* Door handle sold separately

Pete  555-7329

September 21, 2011


Landscaper for hire

* Mailbox flag trimming
* Grass-eating contest judge
* Who fell off the roof?


- Staircase climbing for dummies
- "There's no reason to mow the driveway"

Call for rates and availability
Gus 555-7739

September 20, 2011


Scorpions 35-over adult league baseball
Post-season team meeting

Items to discuss:

* Please return all stirrups to the bucket at the front of the room
* Coach Nick's huge disappointment list
* Awards to be given out:

- Slowest pitch
- Most eye black eaten
- Girlfriend/wife with the worst breath
- Run to first fall down before you get there award
- Worst bunt
- "We can never remember this guy's name" award

September 21, 6:30 p.m. at the Kaynesport Ave. Ernie's Pizza

September 19, 2011

Public Service Announcement

No one wins when cucumbers turn to a life of drugs.

Talk to your vegetables before something else in the refrigerator does.

September 18, 2011


The Clothing Store
Staff meeting

On the agenda:

* What not to sell in the fitting rooms
* Please stop accepting coat hangers from our men's department as currency
* If it has to be killed inside the store, we are not legally allowed to sell it as a fur

September 19, 9:00 a.m.

September 17, 2011

For sale

Bike seat

* Black; perfect for sitting on while biking
* 12 dead ants underneath free with purchase

Lance 555-6886

September 16, 2011

For sale

Fortune cookie message

"You have some chicken fried rice on your shirt"

50 for $5
100 for $8
Over 500: inquire within
Grinning Wok 555-8911

September 15, 2011

For sale

Bagel halve

* Slightly burnt

Make me an offer
Ben  555-8916

September 14, 2011

For sale



* Throw Momma's Back Medicine from the Train
* War of the Worms
* So, I Married a Sax Murderer
* Dude, Where Are My Eyebrows?


* History's Greatest Delayed Airline Flights, Vol. 2
* Baseball's Most Famous Foul Tips

$3 each
Sandra 555-1886

September 13, 2011


Need a shower or faucet turned off?

Joe Maglio 555-9995

For sale

Band aid

* Yellow
* Edible (?)
* Used in the filming of the hit reality TV show Who Is Bleeding Now?!

Gabe 555-3970

September 12, 2011

For sale

Used protest signs

"Stop burying cabbage in my front lawn!"
"Save the soup: help us keep the spoons out"
"Blakeley High: give us back our math teacher!"

$5 each
Hillary 555-7761

September 11, 2011

Casting call

The Feathers-Morris Theater Company is holding auditions for the following roles in the upcoming production of Nose Bleed of a Salesman

* Evil Kent
* Ivan: half-man, half-bologna sandwich
* Ollie the singing mailbox
* Young Diane
* Rubber Band Hall of Fame curator Owen Bagwell
* Raccoon #2
* Sneezy The Clown

Auditions - September 17, 2:00 p.m.-7:30 p.m. at the theater - 77 Gallego Crossing, Kaynesport

September 10, 2011


League of Randys fantasy football league
Pre-draft meeting

Only item on the agenda:

* Randy McGee's real name is Rodney McGahee, so we have an opening in the North Division

September 12, 7:00 p.m. at Randy's house

September 9, 2011

For rent

Glass of water

* Tap
* Free delivery

Glenn 555-0017

Public Service Announcement

Help us end wheelbarrow violence.

Call 555-2114 to find out how you can help.

September 8, 2011


Psychiatrist or hire

* "The hood of my sweatshirt is laughing at me behind my back"
* Bringing a hedge trimmer in the shower
* Fear of opera-singing banana peels
* The voices inside your slippers
* Excessive dusting off
* Roniphobia (the fear of losing your phobia in a plate of macaroni salad)
* "I'm not a schizophrenic, but the canary living in my hair says you are"

Call for rates and availability
Marie 555-5572

September 7, 2011

For sale

Drive-thru bill

* $6.19 due
* I'm at Beefy's Fast Food Hut #93, in a white car, currently third from the window. I'll be snapping my fingers and pointing to the hood of the car.
* As many as three salt packets free with purchase

Daniel 555-6001

September 6, 2011


The Tinkle Army
Band meeting

On the agenda:

* Let's talk seriously about changing the name of the band
* We can't keep letting the audience members decide when the guitar solos end
* The benefit concert to raise awareness of the sky has been moved to October 20

September 8, 2:00 p.m. at the rehearsal space

For sale

I'm selling some of my old domain names.

Great prices available.

Call for pricing list
Horace  555-4991

September 5, 2011


Looking to literally and/or figuratively follow in Joe Maglio's footsteps?

Joe Maglio 555-9995

September 4, 2011

For sale

Used books

- Idiot's Guide to the Tape Dispenser
- The Girl With the Bath Tub Tattoo
- What to Expect When You're Expecting Possums

- Book of Goldfish Names: Boys

$3 each
Beth 555-1132

September 3, 2011

For sale

I've got some of my oldest sayings for sale.

Great deals available.

"You can't make a meatloaf without breaking some legs"
"I'll garnish my own catcher's mask, thank you very much"
"Better to have loved a moth than to have never rubbed a shawl"
"You going to eat that refrigerator magnet?"
"You can't take a bottle opener to a gun fight"

Call for pricing list
Roderick 555-3346

September 2, 2011

For sale

Reality TV on DVD

* Who Can't Spell?! - Complete series
* Watch Me Drink Engine Coolant! - Season 1
* Who Wants to Take My Grandson to the Homecoming Dance? - Season 5 w/outtakes

$10 each
Carlos 555-3772

September 1, 2011

For sale

Celery stalk

$8 or best offer
Bernice 555-3311


Sandpaper Store
Staff meeting

On the agenda:

* Former cashier Harold Boggs' autographed sandpaper is now up for auction
* We no longer sell sandpaper sandwiches after last Thursday's spicy mustard incident
* The sandpaper sauna has been removed from the break room indefinitely

May 7, 2:00 p.m.

August 31, 2011

Public Service Announcement

Help prevent young apples from turning to a life on the streets.

Call 555-4041 to find out how you can help

August 30, 2011


Kaynesport Community College
New classes offered!

* Understanding Ice Cubes

* History of the Sneaker

- Pre-requisite: History of the Foot

* Survey: Guys Named Ernie

- Pre-requisite: Guys Named Darryl

* Intro to Elevators & Escalators

* Where's the Bookstore?

- Pre-requisite: When is the #8 bus going to get here?

Register today!
Kaynesport CC 555-2391

August 29, 2011

For sale

Empty soda can

* Recently-emptied
* Tab sold separately 

Marty  555-9223

For sale

Donnie Samples autographed paper plate

Beverly 555-2987

August 28, 2011


Band aid removal service

$6/band aid
Ronald 555-9771

August 27, 2011


PleasePay Groceries - Store #113
Staff meeting

On the agenda:

* What's the code for parsley?
* No pulling the customers' hair while they swipe their credit cards

August 29, 9:00 a.m.

August 26, 2011

Home for rent

1/8 BR

* Front door installed May, 2011 *

- Bathroom just a two-minute drive
- Close proximity to mud pit 6
- Used in the filming of the 2008 motion picture Raccoon Wedding

Ben & Nadine 555-6196

August 25, 2011

For sale


* Orange
* Used only four times by only two people
* Appeared on the hit reality TV show Football Statistician Life

$1 or best offer
Hank 555-7888

For sale

Napkin clearance

Everything must go!

* New and used
* Many colors available

Call for pricing list
Vincent 555-4515

August 24, 2011

For sale

Bulk egg shells

* Perfect for that special someone *

Call for pricing list
Mel's Shells 555-8177

August 23, 2011


Need to coax a loved down from a telephone poll?

Joe Maglio 555-9995

For sale

DVD movies

My Best Friend's Shedding
Desperately Seeking Deodorant
Raspberry jelly Stain of a Salesman

$5 each or all 3 for $12
Jill 555-9772

August 22, 2011

For hire

Hit man

"I can be very persuasive."

Now offering:

* Pushings
* Scratches
* Aggressive pointing
* Arm underfat pinches


"the old celery-in-the-ear"

Call for rates and availability
Terrence 555-3371

August 21, 2011


Taco Palace
Staff meeting

Items to discuss:

* Put on your work pants after your belt
* The front pocket of a customer's pants is not a "taco shell"

August 22, 9:00 a.m.

August 20, 2011

For sale

Tap water clearance sale

Every drop must go!

Call for pricing list
Mary 555-7781

August 19, 2011


Psychiatrist for hire

* Fear of a clothed giraffe
* Bringing a rake into the bath tub
* "I make split pea soup and pour it into my wool hats"
* Excessive air laughing
* Giant ice cubes invade Freezer City

Call for rates and availability
Claire 555-6791

August 18, 2011


Piso Street bus station - Monday, August 22, 9:00 a.m. pick up
Passenger meeting

Saturday, August 21, 7:00 p.m. at Paymore grocery store

* We'll begin the meeting with a vote on order of bus entrance, so please arrive on time *

August 17, 2011

For rent

Green sandal

* Right
* Hole in heel in shape of actor John Malkovich

Curt 555-7619

August 16, 2011

For sale

Reality TV on DVD

* Are You Pimplier Than a 7th Grader? - Season 4
* America's Got Ear Infections - Season 1-2
* Busboys: San Antonio
* Orthodontist Wives - Final season w/deleted scenes
* Litter Box - Season 2

$10 each
Paige 555-2199


A Novel Concept book club
Late-summer meeting

Books to discuss:

* The Girl With the Taxi Cab Tattoo - Niles Shane
* The Roping Off of Lot 49 - Chocolate House Publishing
* Idiot's Guide to the Pencil Sharpener - Ed. Molly Orsen

August 18, 7:00 p.m. at Vince & Corbin's condo

August 15, 2011

Casting call

The Derwood Theater Group is looking for actors and actresses to audition for the following roles in the upcoming play New Slippers for Josephine.

* Bert
* Young Josephine
* Voice of singing curling iron
* Evil Brenda
* Slipper Hall of Fame curator Irvin Walch
* Earless Paul
* Reverend Johnnie "Magic Man" Chamberlain  
* Olin the talking cantaloupe

** We're also looking to hire someone who can coax a family of raccoons out of a washing machine **

Auditions: July 30 from 2:00 p.m. until 7:00 p.m.
Derwood Theater Group - 389 Vupple Crossing, South Plumptin

August 14, 2011

For sale


Age: 4

Good crawler; loves bugs and moldy tarps.

- Light-brown at night

$115 or best offer
Conrad 555-9119

August 13, 2011

Huge yearbook sale!

Everything must go!

Riverbend Middle School
- 1989-1990 (Special green cover, with Sarah Kerr autograph)
- 1990-1991

Howard Taft High School
- 1991-1992 (Picture of me on the JV baseball team, page 63)
- 1992-1993 (Tracy Hannigan autograph)
- 1993-1994
- 1994-1995 (Senior year *rare*)

$25 each
Gary 555-7606

August 12, 2011


Upcoming events at the brand-new Plumptin Arena:

September 6 - Monster Wheelbarrow Rally
September 19 - Shouting at Kevins Festival
September 28 - How Many Olives Can Beth Fit in Her Mouth?
October 9 - InstructionmanualCon
October 16 - Pete & Linda Sing the Phonebook: H-K

Get your tickets today!

Box office: 555-8177

August 11, 2011

August 10, 2011


The 6th annual Kaynesport Lettuce Toss will be held October 2-3 at the Feathers Fairgrounds.

Call 555-4291 to register.

Past Lettuce Toss champions:

2010 - Noodles Tiso
2009 - Lenny Schlofko
2008 - Paco Mejia
2007 - Junior A. Sherman (title vacated: performing enhancing book jackets)
2006 - Noodles Tiso


Need a life-size sculpture of Joe Maglio?

Lou Maglio  555-8885

August 9, 2011

Letter from the editor

- Derwood Morris

August 8, 2011

For sale

Strawberry pieces

* $2 each or $7 for all four
* Bowl sold separately