Need to knock on a door?
Joe Maglio 555-9995
December 31, 2011
December 30, 2011
For sale
VHS movies
The Greatest Hoagie Roll to Ever Mold
Scotch Tapes of Wrath
Desperately Seeking Dental Floss
Arm Rest of the Opera
$4 each
Gwen 555-6681
The Greatest Hoagie Roll to Ever Mold
Scotch Tapes of Wrath
Desperately Seeking Dental Floss
Arm Rest of the Opera
$4 each
Gwen 555-6681
December 29, 2011
Meetings
Plumptin Referee's Association
Post-season meeting
Items to discuss:
* For next season, please put your microphone & belt on after your pants
* The following was called on three separate occasions in 2011 and is not a penalty: "illegal nose on the face"
December 30, 2:00 p.m. at PCRA headquarters
Post-season meeting
Items to discuss:
* For next season, please put your microphone & belt on after your pants
* The following was called on three separate occasions in 2011 and is not a penalty: "illegal nose on the face"
December 30, 2:00 p.m. at PCRA headquarters
December 28, 2011
For sale
Santa beard
- White w/honey mustard dressing
- Used in the filming of the holiday reality TV show Help, I Married A Mall Santa!
$8
Chuck 555-7791
* Hurry, Trevor is interested
- White w/honey mustard dressing
- Used in the filming of the holiday reality TV show Help, I Married A Mall Santa!
$8
Chuck 555-7791
* Hurry, Trevor is interested
December 27, 2011
December 26, 2011
Public Service Announcement
Sofas shouldn't be caged
Help us free the Kaynesport couch hostages in time for next Christmas.
Call 555-3381 for more information
Help us free the Kaynesport couch hostages in time for next Christmas.
Call 555-3381 for more information
For sale
Discount Christmas items
* Photos of Santa Claus
- Asleep with ants crawling in his beard
- Santa vs. Grandma arm wrestling, semi finals (6 photos)
* Christmas DVD
- Waiter, There's An Elf Ear In My Soup: The Closing Of Shanahan's Bar & Grill
CD singles
- O' Holey Socks - The Pool Boys
- Whose Baby Daddy Is This? - Peggy Cliff All Stars
Call for pricing list
Harriet & Toby 555-4682
* Photos of Santa Claus
- Asleep with ants crawling in his beard
- Santa vs. Grandma arm wrestling, semi finals (6 photos)
* Christmas DVD
- Waiter, There's An Elf Ear In My Soup: The Closing Of Shanahan's Bar & Grill
CD singles
- O' Holey Socks - The Pool Boys
- Whose Baby Daddy Is This? - Peggy Cliff All Stars
Call for pricing list
Harriet & Toby 555-4682
December 25, 2011
Events
It's the 27th annual Peggy Cliff holiday concert!
Get your tickets now:
Reserved seating: $75
Lettuce pit: $40
Wheelbarrow rentals (general admission): $5
Peggy will be singing all of her hits:
* "I Saw Mommy Kissing Everyone"
* "Ya'll Can Keep 'Em (My Two Front Teeth)"
* "(Countin' On) Pigeon Folk"
* "It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like January"
* "There Used To Be A Bald Spot"
* "I Saw Mommy Kissing Trevor's Mommy"
December 30, 7:00 p.m. at Plumptin Arena
Box office: 555-4493
Get your tickets now:
Reserved seating: $75
Lettuce pit: $40
Wheelbarrow rentals (general admission): $5
Peggy will be singing all of her hits:
* "I Saw Mommy Kissing Everyone"
* "Ya'll Can Keep 'Em (My Two Front Teeth)"
* "(Countin' On) Pigeon Folk"
* "It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like January"
* "There Used To Be A Bald Spot"
* "I Saw Mommy Kissing Trevor's Mommy"
December 30, 7:00 p.m. at Plumptin Arena
Box office: 555-4493
December 24, 2011
For sale
Driveway
* Gravel
* Close proximity to the mailbox
* Starred in the 2007 film Snow Shoveling At Tiffany's
$600 for entire driveway
Tiffany 555-2866
* Gravel
* Close proximity to the mailbox
* Starred in the 2007 film Snow Shoveling At Tiffany's
$600 for entire driveway
Tiffany 555-2866
December 23, 2011
Announcements
Kaynesport Aeros basketball
Additions to the 2011-2012 promotional calendar
January 7 - Couch Cushion Night
January 28 - Throw tangerines at the owner's son
February 4 - Bowl of oatmeal (first 5,000 fans)
February 6 - Window Night
March 11 - Stray cat (first 2,500 fans 14-under)
April 1 - Phonebook Day
For tickets, call 555-3301
Additions to the 2011-2012 promotional calendar
January 7 - Couch Cushion Night
January 28 - Throw tangerines at the owner's son
February 4 - Bowl of oatmeal (first 5,000 fans)
February 6 - Window Night
March 11 - Stray cat (first 2,500 fans 14-under)
April 1 - Phonebook Day
For tickets, call 555-3301
December 22, 2011
For sale
Documentaries on DVD
* Gimme A Glass of Water (Forehead, Live at Kaynesport Amphitheater, 6/7/03)
* There's A Man Over There Screaming at an Oak Tree
* Earburgers: The Closing of Vinny's Fast Food Palace
$6 each
Giovante 555-2000
* Gimme A Glass of Water (Forehead, Live at Kaynesport Amphitheater, 6/7/03)
* There's A Man Over There Screaming at an Oak Tree
* Earburgers: The Closing of Vinny's Fast Food Palace
$6 each
Giovante 555-2000
Meetings
Onion Rings Fast Food - Store #214
Staff meeting
On the agenda:
* Please stop accepting raisins as currency
* The drive-thru window does not double as a confessional booth
* Meet your new assistant manager in charge of reaching for things, Debra Barone
Saturday at 10:30 a.m.
Staff meeting
On the agenda:
* Please stop accepting raisins as currency
* The drive-thru window does not double as a confessional booth
* Meet your new assistant manager in charge of reaching for things, Debra Barone
Saturday at 10:30 a.m.
December 21, 2011
For sale
Reality TV shows on DVD
* Watch Me Eat Tree Branches - Final season
* Janitor Wives - Season 2
* Who Wants to Throw Lettuce at a Millionaire? - Season 1
$8 each
Wendy 555-2911
* Watch Me Eat Tree Branches - Final season
* Janitor Wives - Season 2
* Who Wants to Throw Lettuce at a Millionaire? - Season 1
$8 each
Wendy 555-2911
December 20, 2011
Item found
Snowman
We found him outside our apartment the other night; seems to be missing most of his face and perhaps some other accessories.
If he's yours, give us a call.
No reward money is necessary, but perhaps we could talk about an even trade for a snow shovel.
* Doesn't respond to Randal or James *
555-9188
We found him outside our apartment the other night; seems to be missing most of his face and perhaps some other accessories.
If he's yours, give us a call.
No reward money is necessary, but perhaps we could talk about an even trade for a snow shovel.
* Doesn't respond to Randal or James *
555-9188
December 19, 2011
Meetings
What the Book? reading group
Winter meeting
Books to discuss:
* What To Expect When You're Expecting Ear Hair - Ed. Simon Paul
* You Can't Take These Leaves With You - Barbara Sherner
* To Staple Things To A Mockingbird - Henry Raulston
December 21, 7:00 p.m. at Dale's house
Winter meeting
Books to discuss:
* What To Expect When You're Expecting Ear Hair - Ed. Simon Paul
* You Can't Take These Leaves With You - Barbara Sherner
* To Staple Things To A Mockingbird - Henry Raulston
December 21, 7:00 p.m. at Dale's house
December 18, 2011
For sale
Empty ketchup packet collection
* Over 500
* Comes with some free ketchup
* Interesting trades for unopened ketchup packets considered
Entire collection or individual packets available
Kent 555-6117
* Over 500
* Comes with some free ketchup
* Interesting trades for unopened ketchup packets considered
Entire collection or individual packets available
Kent 555-6117
December 17, 2011
For rent
Protest signs
"Get your cat out of my mailbox!"
"Cooper High: give us back our cafeteria worker"!
"Guns don't kill people, drinking upholstery cleaner kills people"
"My shoulder hurts!"
Each sign $2/hour
Kathy 555-1081
"Get your cat out of my mailbox!"
"Cooper High: give us back our cafeteria worker"!
"Guns don't kill people, drinking upholstery cleaner kills people"
"My shoulder hurts!"
Each sign $2/hour
Kathy 555-1081
December 16, 2011
For sale
Christmas lights
- One strand
- Comes with building & vintage hand truck
- Chair sold separately
$25
Rick 555-5853
* Hurry, many interested *
- One strand
- Comes with building & vintage hand truck
- Chair sold separately
$25
Rick 555-5853
* Hurry, many interested *
December 15, 2011
Meetings
Soup Shack
Staff meeting
Items to discuss:
* Hot dog bun soup has been taken off the menu
* Please stop accepting empty beer cans as currency
December 17, 10:00 a.m.
Staff meeting
Items to discuss:
* Hot dog bun soup has been taken off the menu
* Please stop accepting empty beer cans as currency
December 17, 10:00 a.m.
December 14, 2011
December 13, 2011
Meetings
Kaynesport Church
Parish meeting
On the agenda:
* Despite what former organist Mitch Kershaw might've told you, our January 8 musical program will not be "all nude"
* We can not replace the holy water with spicy mustard
* Our Christmas Eve Santa vs. Jesus wrestling match has been postponed
December 22, 7:00 p.m.
Parish meeting
On the agenda:
* Despite what former organist Mitch Kershaw might've told you, our January 8 musical program will not be "all nude"
* We can not replace the holy water with spicy mustard
* Our Christmas Eve Santa vs. Jesus wrestling match has been postponed
December 22, 7:00 p.m.
For sale
Reality TV on DVD
* Get Me Out of this Washing Machine! - Season 4 (w/deleted scenes)
* My Feet Hurt! - Season 1
$7 each
Vanessa 555-3425
* Get Me Out of this Washing Machine! - Season 4 (w/deleted scenes)
* Bag Boys: Sacramento
* Grandma Swap - Seasons 2 & 3* My Feet Hurt! - Season 1
$7 each
Vanessa 555-3425
December 12, 2011
Events
The Plumptin County Festival is back!
February 3-5, 2012
"byOs: bring your OWN socks."
Musical acts scheduled to appear:
* Forehead
* Peanut Butter Face
* Acorn
* The Peggy Cliff All-Stars
* Behind the Refrigerator
Special events:
- Staple things to Lyle Peterson booth
- Coleslaw dunk tank
- Goldfish marriage ceremonies
- Penny-eating contest
Food:
* Yes
For tickets call the Plumptin County Fairgrounds - 555-6673
February 3-5, 2012
"byOs: bring your OWN socks."
Musical acts scheduled to appear:
* Forehead
* Peanut Butter Face
* Acorn
* The Peggy Cliff All-Stars
* Behind the Refrigerator
Special events:
- Staple things to Lyle Peterson booth
- Coleslaw dunk tank
- Goldfish marriage ceremonies
- Penny-eating contest
Food:
* Yes
For tickets call the Plumptin County Fairgrounds - 555-6673
December 11, 2011
Services
Door-to-door door salesman
"Get the door, it's a door."
* Also available for sale:
- Other door-to-door door salesmen
- Copies of the best-selling book The Idiot's Guide To Knocking
- Lettuce doors
* I also starred in the hit play Door Bell Ring of a Salesman (Fall, 1991)
Pete 555-5733
"Get the door, it's a door."
* Also available for sale:
- Other door-to-door door salesmen
- Copies of the best-selling book The Idiot's Guide To Knocking
- Lettuce doors
* I also starred in the hit play Door Bell Ring of a Salesman (Fall, 1991)
Pete 555-5733
December 10, 2011
For rent
Sock
* White
* One hole (right big toe if worn correctly)
* Starred in the award-winning play adaptation of the 2009 film Things We Lost In The Potato Salad
$1.50/hour
Bernie 555-9117
* White
* One hole (right big toe if worn correctly)
* Starred in the award-winning play adaptation of the 2009 film Things We Lost In The Potato Salad
$1.50/hour
Bernie 555-9117
December 9, 2011
Meetings
Kaynesport Carolers
Emergency Meeting
On the agenda:
- "All I want removed for Christmas is my ex-husband's two front teeth" has been added to the set list
- There isn't a 13th day of Christmas for wine coolers
December 10, 9:00 a.m. at headquarters
Emergency Meeting
On the agenda:
- "All I want removed for Christmas is my ex-husband's two front teeth" has been added to the set list
- There isn't a 13th day of Christmas for wine coolers
December 10, 9:00 a.m. at headquarters
December 8, 2011
Casting call
Feathers Playhouse is looking for actors and actresses to audition for the following roles in the upcoming play Desk Chair on the Roof
* Half-ear Earl
* Sawdust salesman Ronnie Clyde
* Sylvester the talking toothbrush of wisdom
* Lettuce Boy/Lettuce boy alter-ego Peyton Jones
* Sneezes the Clown
* Evil Janice
* Security guard, mud pit 3
* Beverly the break dancing zucchini
** We're also looking for actors to play the parts of David and Goliath, but in hippo costumes **
Auditions are December 11 from 10:00 a.m. until 4:00 p.m. at Feathers Playhouse - 414 Ebeneezer Crossing, East Plumptin
* Half-ear Earl
* Sawdust salesman Ronnie Clyde
* Sylvester the talking toothbrush of wisdom
* Lettuce Boy/Lettuce boy alter-ego Peyton Jones
* Sneezes the Clown
* Evil Janice
* Security guard, mud pit 3
* Beverly the break dancing zucchini
** We're also looking for actors to play the parts of David and Goliath, but in hippo costumes **
Auditions are December 11 from 10:00 a.m. until 4:00 p.m. at Feathers Playhouse - 414 Ebeneezer Crossing, East Plumptin
December 7, 2011
Personal ads
MEN SEEKING WOMEN
SBM, age 32. I've got my ex-wife's name tattooed on my right arm. Her name is Bobby.
Looking for a woman, or man, named Bobby.
Charles box 40029
Former toupee model with the heart of a goldfish.
Marty box 20007
WOMEN SEEKING MEN
I've had several relationships end near the women's restroom at Bert's Buffet.
Looking for a man who doesn't work at Bert's Buffet.
Claire box 88117
Let's get together and start a family (of otters).
Vanessa box 90906
I need a ride to the hair salon.
Deidra box 66700
OTHER
Single, brown chocolate bar, Melting.
Randy box 51556
SBM, age 32. I've got my ex-wife's name tattooed on my right arm. Her name is Bobby.
Looking for a woman, or man, named Bobby.
Charles box 40029
Former toupee model with the heart of a goldfish.
Marty box 20007
WOMEN SEEKING MEN
I've had several relationships end near the women's restroom at Bert's Buffet.
Looking for a man who doesn't work at Bert's Buffet.
Claire box 88117
Let's get together and start a family (of otters).
Vanessa box 90906
I need a ride to the hair salon.
Deidra box 66700
OTHER
Single, brown chocolate bar, Melting.
Randy box 51556
December 6, 2011
Public Service Announcement
Help prevent young bread rolls from turning to a life on the streets.
Call 555-5051 to find out how you can help
December 5, 2011
Apartment for rent
1/3 STUDIO
1 BATHROOM MIRROR
1/2 SINK
* Three eggs in refrigerator free with rental agreement
* Toilet removed August, 2011
* Apartment used in the filming of the 2008 documentary Here Comes The Exterminator
$105/month
Reggie 555-7363
December 4, 2011
Announcements
Kaynesport Chamber of Commerce
Prop bills to be voted on December 5
83 - Legality of deodorant on toast
106 - Separate but equal: living room furniture
180 - Wearing a poncho into the shower
247 - Eliminate the letter R from all restaurant menus
260 - Ban same-sex Christmas caroling
Kaynesport Chamber of Commerce - 425 Lyle Sherwood Lane, downtown
Prop bills to be voted on December 5
83 - Legality of deodorant on toast
106 - Separate but equal: living room furniture
180 - Wearing a poncho into the shower
247 - Eliminate the letter R from all restaurant menus
260 - Ban same-sex Christmas caroling
Kaynesport Chamber of Commerce - 425 Lyle Sherwood Lane, downtown
December 3, 2011
Personal ad
SGK, age 1. Looking for a companion; doesn't necessarily have to be a member of the grasshopper family, but must be cone-headed.
* Have my own place in a luxurious, downtown thicket
* Member of the acapella group Treble Cliffs
Cliff box 10277
For sale
Sneaker
* Left-footed
* Appeared in the filming of the reality TV show Grocery Store Manager Wives
$4
Bernie 555-9117
* Left-footed
* Appeared in the filming of the reality TV show Grocery Store Manager Wives
$4
Bernie 555-9117
December 2, 2011
December 1, 2011
Meetings
Friends of Mitch Richley
December meeting
Items to discuss:
* Who is driving Mitch's mother Harriet to her lip waxing January 3?
* Day of Many Mitches '12 Q&A
* FMR Flashback: February 11, 2008, the day we met Rich Mitchley
December 7, 6:00 p.m. at Trevor's house
December meeting
Items to discuss:
* Who is driving Mitch's mother Harriet to her lip waxing January 3?
* Day of Many Mitches '12 Q&A
* FMR Flashback: February 11, 2008, the day we met Rich Mitchley
December 7, 6:00 p.m. at Trevor's house
November 30, 2011
November 29, 2011
Events
Winter 2011 additions to event calendar at Blast! Cola Arena
December 4 - Jewelry Keepers
December 11 - Bryce & Henry sing the football scores
December 19 - Tap-dancing Santa Clauses sing the football scores
December 29 - Countdown to New Years
2012 Concert Series
January 7: Scrambled Eggs
January 24: Pillow don and the feather
February 9: Peanut Butter Face
February 18-19: Kidneyhead
For tickets call 555-2343 or visit the arena box office
December 4 - Jewelry Keepers
December 11 - Bryce & Henry sing the football scores
December 19 - Tap-dancing Santa Clauses sing the football scores
December 29 - Countdown to New Years
2012 Concert Series
January 7: Scrambled Eggs
January 24: Pillow don and the feather
February 9: Peanut Butter Face
February 18-19: Kidneyhead
For tickets call 555-2343 or visit the arena box office
November 28, 2011
Services
Courier service
"I'll transport anything."
* Ant farms
* Elderly men named Lester
* Secret government eggplant
* Bags of leaves (maximum four per half hour)
* Photographs of other taxis
* Sealed containers of:
- Air
- Sneezes
Nyjer 555-7174
"I'll transport anything."
* Ant farms
* Elderly men named Lester
* Secret government eggplant
* Bags of leaves (maximum four per half hour)
* Photographs of other taxis
* Sealed containers of:
- Air
- Sneezes
Nyjer 555-7174
November 27, 2011
November 26, 2011
For sale
Vinyl record singles
* First Time Ever I Saw Inside Your Nose - Daneeta Grace
* I Saw Mommy Kissing Eleven Santa Clauses - Peggy Cliff
* Stairway To Parking Garage - Rory Vincent Band
$5 each
Buck 555-4393
* First Time Ever I Saw Inside Your Nose - Daneeta Grace
* I Saw Mommy Kissing Eleven Santa Clauses - Peggy Cliff
* Stairway To Parking Garage - Rory Vincent Band
$5 each
Buck 555-4393
November 25, 2011
Special offer
Volume 5 of the Idiot's Guide books are now available!
You'll get:
* Wall clock
* Rain puddles
* Glossaries
* Comb
and more!
** Order now and receive Belt free **
Eight full instructional books for the low price of $149.99
Chocolate House Publishing 555-3391
You'll get:
* Wall clock
* Rain puddles
* Glossaries
* Comb
and more!
** Order now and receive Belt free **
Eight full instructional books for the low price of $149.99
Chocolate House Publishing 555-3391
November 24, 2011
Services
Need help naming your ice cubes?
Tired of the names Joe Maglio always gives them?
Vince Maglio 555-9995
Tired of the names Joe Maglio always gives them?
Vince Maglio 555-9995
November 23, 2011
Meetings
The People Under Andrea Fleming's Stairs
Winter '11 meeting
Items to discuss:
* The fall formal, "Dancing Under The Stairs": what went wrong
* Our field trip to Andrea's elementary school cafeteria has been moved to January 4
November 25, 4:00 p.m.
Winter '11 meeting
Items to discuss:
* The fall formal, "Dancing Under The Stairs": what went wrong
* Our field trip to Andrea's elementary school cafeteria has been moved to January 4
November 25, 4:00 p.m.
November 22, 2011
Missing
Hot dog
[Photo taken November 18]
* Reddish-brown
* Last seen Sunday near the stove
* We're very worried, he hasn't been away from the refrigerator since we brought him and his family home from the grocery store
* Reward $$ offered
Gail and Marty 555-7882
[Photo taken November 18]
* Reddish-brown
* Last seen Sunday near the stove
* We're very worried, he hasn't been away from the refrigerator since we brought him and his family home from the grocery store
* Reward $$ offered
Gail and Marty 555-7882
November 21, 2011
Events
Semi-pro competitive eating
Additions to 2011-2012 schedule
* All competitions at Plumptin Arena *
November 30 - Styrofoam
December 19 - Socks
January 13 - File folder
January 27 - Puddle water
February 3 - Baseball infield dirt
February 22 - Carpet
March 10 - Bird nest
To register call 555-2291
Additions to 2011-2012 schedule
* All competitions at Plumptin Arena *
November 30 - Styrofoam
December 19 - Socks
January 13 - File folder
January 27 - Puddle water
February 3 - Baseball infield dirt
February 22 - Carpet
March 10 - Bird nest
To register call 555-2291
November 20, 2011
For sale
Leftovers
Clearance sale:
* Lettuce pieces (6)
* Brown stuff
* One slice of formerly white bread
* Refrigerator for sale (inquire within)
(side view, taken November 18, 2011)
Call for pricing list
Ahmad 555-6177
Clearance sale:
* Lettuce pieces (6)
* Brown stuff
* One slice of formerly white bread
* Refrigerator for sale (inquire within)
(side view, taken November 18, 2011)
Call for pricing list
Ahmad 555-6177
November 19, 2011
For sale
Toothbrush
* Used less than 25 times
* Appeared in the filming of the reality TV show Brush My Teeth! - All Stars
$8
Trevon 555-6126
* Hurry, (different) Trevon is interested *
* Used less than 25 times
* Appeared in the filming of the reality TV show Brush My Teeth! - All Stars
$8
Trevon 555-6126
* Hurry, (different) Trevon is interested *
November 18, 2011
Meetings
Plumptin Times
Editorial meeting
On the agenda:
* Our obituary page is not for dress shoes that had the heel broken off
* No matter how many times they call looking for coverage and send us photographs, sneezing is not a sport
* The religion section will not be replaced by a daily pictorial tribute to the cinnamon bun
November 21, 1:00 p.m.
Editorial meeting
On the agenda:
* Our obituary page is not for dress shoes that had the heel broken off
* No matter how many times they call looking for coverage and send us photographs, sneezing is not a sport
* The religion section will not be replaced by a daily pictorial tribute to the cinnamon bun
November 21, 1:00 p.m.
November 17, 2011
November 16, 2011
Opportunities
I built a hot dog bun boat and I'm going to sail around the world. If interested, give me a call.
(Ladies only)
Jeremy 555-3049
(Ladies only)
Jeremy 555-3049
November 15, 2011
Meetings
Clock Watcher's Society - Ernie County chapter
November meeting
Items to discuss:
* What we liked/didn't like about 10:15 a.m. last Friday
* The pilot for the cartoon Daylight Savings Time did not get picked up
* When is it going to be 4:00 p.m. again?
November 16 at headquarters
November meeting
Items to discuss:
* What we liked/didn't like about 10:15 a.m. last Friday
* The pilot for the cartoon Daylight Savings Time did not get picked up
* When is it going to be 4:00 p.m. again?
November 16 at headquarters
November 14, 2011
Events
The Shimples Hall of Fame induction ceremony is scheduled for November 19!
* 2011 HOF inductees
- Player's wing: Pete "Pinches" Jamison
- Mascot wing: Noodles
- Special contribution award: coleslaw vendor Boris Parks
* Season-in-review
- Special video presentation: "Together, We Can Move An Ant Hill - The Story of the 2011 Shimples Champion Kaynesport Ceilingsquirrels"
- Awards show:
* Coach with worst breath
* Longest ear hair
* Most irritating child
* Longest pinch
* Furthest parking space from door
* Largest forehead
* Chicken nugget toes award
* Not invited next year
Come join us Saturday from 7:00 p.m.-10:00 p.m. at the Plumptin Banquet Hall - 560 Piso Street, SE Plumptin
* 2011 HOF inductees
- Player's wing: Pete "Pinches" Jamison
- Mascot wing: Noodles
- Special contribution award: coleslaw vendor Boris Parks
* Season-in-review
- Special video presentation: "Together, We Can Move An Ant Hill - The Story of the 2011 Shimples Champion Kaynesport Ceilingsquirrels"
- Awards show:
* Coach with worst breath
* Longest ear hair
* Most irritating child
* Longest pinch
* Furthest parking space from door
* Largest forehead
* Chicken nugget toes award
* Not invited next year
Come join us Saturday from 7:00 p.m.-10:00 p.m. at the Plumptin Banquet Hall - 560 Piso Street, SE Plumptin
Help wanted
Someone put the flag up on my mailbox. It could've happened any time between November 11th and November 13th, but I need to find out who did this.
* Mailbox flag is black
* Reward junk mail offered
Marcus 555-3221
* Mailbox flag is black
* Reward junk mail offered
Marcus 555-3221
November 13, 2011
Announcements
Vote Morris/Fanny '12
Campaign updates
Get on board with the candidate who:
- Voted to abolish all sidewalks
- Owns three goldfish
- Personally led the 2002 Klepitch County wheelbarrow boycotts
- Won 'best eyes' in his high school yearbook
January, 2012 debate schedule
* 1/6 - "The existence of eyebrows on dolphins"
* 1/13 - "Who said that?"
* 1/20 - "I shouldn't have agreed to this debate"
Our "throw things at the candidate" series is back!
* March 3, East Plumptin Hall - handfuls of peanuts
* March 25, Kerwood Manor - VHS cassettes
* April 17, Kaynesport Amphitheater - elementary school children
* May 5, Piso Hall - cough drops
* June 10, Feathers Village - heads of lettuce
Get involved!
We still need volunteers to help with:
* Collecting smiles door-to-door
* Soak the Umbrellaless (February 3-5, 2012)
* County-by-county help to sing the election night results next November
For more details, contact campaign manager Robert Derwood 555-2323
Campaign updates
Get on board with the candidate who:
- Voted to abolish all sidewalks
- Owns three goldfish
- Personally led the 2002 Klepitch County wheelbarrow boycotts
- Won 'best eyes' in his high school yearbook
January, 2012 debate schedule
* 1/6 - "The existence of eyebrows on dolphins"
* 1/13 - "Who said that?"
* 1/20 - "I shouldn't have agreed to this debate"
Our "throw things at the candidate" series is back!
* March 3, East Plumptin Hall - handfuls of peanuts
* March 25, Kerwood Manor - VHS cassettes
* April 17, Kaynesport Amphitheater - elementary school children
* May 5, Piso Hall - cough drops
* June 10, Feathers Village - heads of lettuce
Get involved!
We still need volunteers to help with:
* Collecting smiles door-to-door
* Soak the Umbrellaless (February 3-5, 2012)
* County-by-county help to sing the election night results next November
For more details, contact campaign manager Robert Derwood 555-2323
November 12, 2011
Services
Psychiatrist for hire
"Let's squeeze the crazy out of you"
* Fear of singing marshmallows
* Excessive murmuring
* "I make pounds of pasta and pour it into the bathtub"
* The voices inside your car's gas tank
* Fire extinguisher tattoo regret
* Over-nodding
Call for rates and availability
Dorothy 555-8118
"Let's squeeze the crazy out of you"
* Fear of singing marshmallows
* Excessive murmuring
* "I make pounds of pasta and pour it into the bathtub"
* The voices inside your car's gas tank
* Fire extinguisher tattoo regret
* Over-nodding
Call for rates and availability
Dorothy 555-8118
For sale
Wristwatch
* Missing the 6 and minute hand
* Used in the filming of the 2010 documentary What Time Is It?
$15
Bobby 555-2323
* Missing the 6 and minute hand
* Used in the filming of the 2010 documentary What Time Is It?
$15
Bobby 555-2323
November 11, 2011
Job Board
Employment opportunities for November 12-18
- Piso Playhouse
* Auditions for Death of a Salesman's Camaro November 19 from 1:00 p.m.-5:00 p.m.
Piso PH - 230 Venton Blvd., East Kaynesport
- Brillo pad taste-testers wanted
Feathers Clinic 555-8985
- Delivery boy needed
* Must own wheelbarrow *
555-4029
- The Chicken Hut - Store #44
Now hiring:
* Assistant manager in charge of disappointed head shakes
http://chickenhut.com/positions
- Toothpaste-eating contest judges needed
* Semipro competitive eating 555-4661
- Goldfish funeral director
* Start immediately * 555-1199
- Piso Playhouse
* Auditions for Death of a Salesman's Camaro November 19 from 1:00 p.m.-5:00 p.m.
Piso PH - 230 Venton Blvd., East Kaynesport
- Brillo pad taste-testers wanted
Feathers Clinic 555-8985
- Delivery boy needed
* Must own wheelbarrow *
555-4029
- The Chicken Hut - Store #44
Now hiring:
* Assistant manager in charge of disappointed head shakes
http://chickenhut.com/positions
- Toothpaste-eating contest judges needed
* Semipro competitive eating 555-4661
- Goldfish funeral director
* Start immediately * 555-1199
November 10, 2011
Openings
Big Barry's Buffet
Grand opening!
Exotic menu items:
* Beef knuckles of Jim Bradley
* Yellow stuff in yellow sauce
* Big pot of ears
* Boiled water cup/bowl (seasonal)
Specials deals available:
- New Barry's t-shirts (made of 100% penguin):
"I took a dip in the applesauce pool!"
"Someone pointed me to the restroom at Big Barry's Buffet"
- Hamburger bun free with purchase of hamburger
- Our brand-new Napkins of the World exhibit opens December 7
Big Barry's - 325 Rainbow Blvd., Kaynesport
Grand opening!
Exotic menu items:
* Beef knuckles of Jim Bradley
* Yellow stuff in yellow sauce
* Big pot of ears
* Boiled water cup/bowl (seasonal)
Specials deals available:
- New Barry's t-shirts (made of 100% penguin):
"I took a dip in the applesauce pool!"
"Someone pointed me to the restroom at Big Barry's Buffet"
- Hamburger bun free with purchase of hamburger
- Our brand-new Napkins of the World exhibit opens December 7
Big Barry's - 325 Rainbow Blvd., Kaynesport
November 9, 2011
Events
The first annual Grandpa Games will be held at the Kaynesport Amphitheater, December 2-3.
Schedule of events:
10:30 a.m. - Coughing - preliminaries
11:45 p.m. - Flatulence (long program)
2:30 p.m. - Napping - preliminaries
4:45 p.m. - Grandkid 1600 meter carry - finals
5:50 p.m. - Coughing gold medal match
7:30 p.m. - Crossword puzzle "across" - finals
8:30 p.m. - Experimental event: Who has your nose?
9:15 p.m. - Napping - finals
December 3, 6:00 a.m. - Closing ceremonies
For tickets call 555-6772
Schedule of events:
10:30 a.m. - Coughing - preliminaries
11:45 p.m. - Flatulence (long program)
2:30 p.m. - Napping - preliminaries
4:45 p.m. - Grandkid 1600 meter carry - finals
5:50 p.m. - Coughing gold medal match
7:30 p.m. - Crossword puzzle "across" - finals
8:30 p.m. - Experimental event: Who has your nose?
9:15 p.m. - Napping - finals
December 3, 6:00 a.m. - Closing ceremonies
For tickets call 555-6772
November 8, 2011
Services
Dance lessons available
I provide instruction for dozens of dances, including:
* "The Perry Tomlinson"
* Slow motion cat chasing its tail
* The Ear Pull
* "Squirrel toss assembly line"
* Raking leaves
* The sassy goldfish
* "Did I put on deodorant?"
* The all-the-air-you-can-grab contest
Call for pricing list
Gwen 555-6681
I provide instruction for dozens of dances, including:
* "The Perry Tomlinson"
* Slow motion cat chasing its tail
* The Ear Pull
* "Squirrel toss assembly line"
* Raking leaves
* The sassy goldfish
* "Did I put on deodorant?"
* The all-the-air-you-can-grab contest
Call for pricing list
Gwen 555-6681
November 7, 2011
For sale
Lamp shade novelty gifts
Get your shade filled with:
* Sawdust
* Photographs of water fountains
* Dandruff
* Paper clips
Get your shade filled with:
* Sawdust
* Photographs of water fountains
* Dandruff
* Paper clips
* "hope"
* Ice cubes
* Ice cubes
* Smaller lamp shades
and more
Call for pricing list
Shane's Shades 555-7742
Call for pricing list
Shane's Shades 555-7742
November 6, 2011
Public Service Announcement
No one ever thinks about shopping cart suicide until it happens near your parking lot.
Call 555-9914 to find out how you can make a difference.
November 5, 2011
Meetings
Kaynesport Animal Hospital
Staff meeting
On the agenda:
- When people board their cats, please do not allow them to sneak a toddler into the cage
- Please refrain from packaging and selling clipped dog nails
- We do not have a drive thru
November 7, 9:30 a.m.
Staff meeting
On the agenda:
- When people board their cats, please do not allow them to sneak a toddler into the cage
- Please refrain from packaging and selling clipped dog nails
- We do not have a drive thru
November 7, 9:30 a.m.
For sale
VHS
A Child Called "Shampoo"
The Greatest Sesame Seed Bagel Ever Sold
Home movies:
* Grandma Josephine's "No Wig, No Pants, No Problem" song/dance (Christmas, 1992)
* Family Pine Cone Fight w/ambulance flat tire bonus footage (January, 1996)
$3 each
Gwen 555-6681
A Child Called "Shampoo"
The Greatest Sesame Seed Bagel Ever Sold
Home movies:
* Grandma Josephine's "No Wig, No Pants, No Problem" song/dance (Christmas, 1992)
* Family Pine Cone Fight w/ambulance flat tire bonus footage (January, 1996)
$3 each
Gwen 555-6681
November 4, 2011
Announcements
Kaynesport Leopards semi-pro basketball
Additions to 2011-2012 promotional calendar
November 17: Car Door Night
November 28: Throw sunflower seeds at the referees during pre-game warm ups (1st 2,000 fans 10-under)
December 20: Pick on the assistant coach's son
January 8: Packing Tape Day
January 11: Stick of butter (1st 5,000 fans)
Call 555-LEOP for tickets
Additions to 2011-2012 promotional calendar
November 17: Car Door Night
November 28: Throw sunflower seeds at the referees during pre-game warm ups (1st 2,000 fans 10-under)
December 20: Pick on the assistant coach's son
January 8: Packing Tape Day
January 11: Stick of butter (1st 5,000 fans)
Call 555-LEOP for tickets
November 3, 2011
Letter from the editor
Just a reminder: the hot dog bun-eating contest has been rescheduled for December 7. If you have any interest in being a celebrity judge, please fill out an application indicating involvement in any national mud sculpture contests in the 1980s.
Also, please stop mailing leaves and old light bulbs; the contest ended in September.
- Derwood Morris
For sale
Post-Halloween clearance sale
* Pumpkin mush - $.50/ounce
* Pillow cases - 3 for $5
* Mailbox flag - $1
* "Captain Lettuce" costume (w/out duck sauce gun) - $10
* Elementary school-aged children (prices may vary)
Lance & Maryanne 555-3321
* Pumpkin mush - $.50/ounce
* Pillow cases - 3 for $5
* Mailbox flag - $1
* "Captain Lettuce" costume (w/out duck sauce gun) - $10
* Elementary school-aged children (prices may vary)
Lance & Maryanne 555-3321
November 2, 2011
Meetings
What the Book? reading group
Fall meeting
Books to discuss:
* Championship Prison Flag Football Teams - Ed. Pauline Braswell
* Essays on Toast - Mark Benjamin
* An Illustrated History of Napkin-Eating Contests - Chocolate House Publishing
November 3, 4:00 p.m. at the Woodlin Trace Apt. complex gazebo #6
Fall meeting
Books to discuss:
* Championship Prison Flag Football Teams - Ed. Pauline Braswell
* Essays on Toast - Mark Benjamin
* An Illustrated History of Napkin-Eating Contests - Chocolate House Publishing
November 3, 4:00 p.m. at the Woodlin Trace Apt. complex gazebo #6
November 1, 2011
For sale
Used Halloween costumes
* The Ticket Taker of the Opera (w/replica rubber theater ticket)
* Peanut Butter Face
* Mailman-in-training Dale Levinstein
* Colonel Salami (w/rare 1970s hoagie roll forearm guards)
* The Pincher
$7 each
Iris 555-3227
* The Ticket Taker of the Opera (w/replica rubber theater ticket)
* Peanut Butter Face
* Mailman-in-training Dale Levinstein
* Colonel Salami (w/rare 1970s hoagie roll forearm guards)
* The Pincher
$7 each
Iris 555-3227
October 31, 2011
Meetings
Kaynesport Bulls 9-under basketball
Team meeting
On the agenda:
* The following players are no longer allowed to shoot: Trey, Keshawn, Chris
November 2, 5:30 p.m. at the rec center
Team meeting
On the agenda:
* The following players are no longer allowed to shoot: Trey, Keshawn, Chris
November 2, 5:30 p.m. at the rec center
October 30, 2011
Meetings
Pre-Halloween meeting
Items to discuss:
* Who this year is dressing up as an above-ground pool?
* A pumpkin is not a weapon
* Showing up four hours late to a costume party dressed as November 1st isn't funny two years in a row
October 30, 7:00 p.m. at Randy Turner's apartment
Items to discuss:
* Who this year is dressing up as an above-ground pool?
* A pumpkin is not a weapon
* Showing up four hours late to a costume party dressed as November 1st isn't funny two years in a row
October 30, 7:00 p.m. at Randy Turner's apartment
October 29, 2011
For sale
Workout videos on VHS
* Hopping In Place With Pierre
* Come On, Let's Butter Up Paul and Shove Him Through the Doorway
* (Let's Keep) Blubbersizing!
$5 each
Cody 555-4461
* Hopping In Place With Pierre
* Come On, Let's Butter Up Paul and Shove Him Through the Doorway
* (Let's Keep) Blubbersizing!
$5 each
Cody 555-4461
October 28, 2011
Openings
The Sandwich Hole
Grand opening of our West Kaynesport location!
Summer specials:
* Diced sandals w/mustard sauce
* Ears of Linda on pumpernickel
* The Murray Dandridge
* Paper towel on white
BYOT (Bring your own tomatoes)
Sandwich Hole - 710 Poloca Avenue, Kaynesport
Grand opening of our West Kaynesport location!
Summer specials:
* Diced sandals w/mustard sauce
* Ears of Linda on pumpernickel
* The Murray Dandridge
* Paper towel on white
BYOT (Bring your own tomatoes)
Sandwich Hole - 710 Poloca Avenue, Kaynesport
October 27, 2011
October 26, 2011
Religious visions
A vision of our lord and savior, Jesus Christ appeared on pine straw near my house.
Viewings available now and until the end of December.
* $125 per viewing
* Chunks of Jesus Straw™ also available
844 Rainbow Blvd., Kaynesport
October 25, 2011
Announcements
The Plumptin Buffaloes 40+ adult baseball fall team has been selected!
Final cut list
* Returning player
1. Tommy Potato
2. *Derwood Quintana
3. Pigeon Face Hadley
4. *Jarvis James
5. Sunset Rivers
6. *Kneecaps Graham
7. *Percy Chang
8. Gramps Vernon
9. Ernie Bilbo
10. Timmy Potato
11. Hakeem
12. *Pervis Chang
13. Shu Shin-Wong
14. Crackers Calhoun
First practice: October 29, 6:00 p.m. at field 10
** Please bring your own glove **
Final cut list
* Returning player
1. Tommy Potato
2. *Derwood Quintana
3. Pigeon Face Hadley
4. *Jarvis James
5. Sunset Rivers
6. *Kneecaps Graham
7. *Percy Chang
8. Gramps Vernon
9. Ernie Bilbo
10. Timmy Potato
11. Hakeem
12. *Pervis Chang
13. Shu Shin-Wong
14. Crackers Calhoun
First practice: October 29, 6:00 p.m. at field 10
** Please bring your own glove **
October 24, 2011
Public Service Announcement
Do these types of images make you uncomfortable?
This holiday season, let's make sure the sandwiches get eaten.
Call 555-3995 to find out how you can make a difference.
October 23, 2011
Services
Handy man for hire
"I'll take care of all your odd jobs or my name isn't Randal"
* Personal faller
* Vacuuming critic
* Possum interrogation
* "Let's run over to that lady and chew on her toes"
* Directions to the roof
* Pillowcase-eating contest judge
Call for rates and availability
Chuck 555-6019
"I'll take care of all your odd jobs or my name isn't Randal"
* Personal faller
* Vacuuming critic
* Possum interrogation
* "Let's run over to that lady and chew on her toes"
* Directions to the roof
* Pillowcase-eating contest judge
Call for rates and availability
Chuck 555-6019
October 22, 2011
For sale
Two goldfish
* Eddie Jr. and Ozzie
* Both deceased in September
* Appeared in 2010 musical Goldfish of a Salesman
* Interesting trades for living goldfish considered
$3 each or $5 for both
Eddie 555-1818
* Eddie Jr. and Ozzie
* Both deceased in September
* Appeared in 2010 musical Goldfish of a Salesman
* Interesting trades for living goldfish considered
$3 each or $5 for both
Eddie 555-1818
October 21, 2011
Openings
The Game Trough
Grand Re-opening
Top-selling games:
* Breakfast Buffet 2008
* Cumin Seed Man
Grand Re-opening
Top-selling games:
* Breakfast Buffet 2008
* Cumin Seed Man
October 20, 2011
October 19, 2011
Meetings
Kaynesport High Homecoming Dance
Committee meeting
On the agenda:
* Note to the guys: please put on your cummerbund after your underwear and pants
* Piggy back rides to and from the gym begin at 5:30 p.m. the day of the dance
* The theme 'under the sea' should not be taken literally
October 21, 1:00 p.m. in the media center
Committee meeting
On the agenda:
* Note to the guys: please put on your cummerbund after your underwear and pants
* Piggy back rides to and from the gym begin at 5:30 p.m. the day of the dance
* The theme 'under the sea' should not be taken literally
October 21, 1:00 p.m. in the media center
October 18, 2011
October 17, 2011
For sale
Domain names
www.grassclumpfights.wordpress.com/2010_etleyvschambers
www.filmscriptmania.rtf/breakfastwasspilledontiffany
www.ploopcollege.edu/oncampussearch_pigeonnests
www.whatsinmybellybutton.wordpress.com
www.firetollboothoperatorchris.com
www.plumptincountyeatingcontests.blogspot.com/1997/postagestamp
www.derwoodcollege.edu/intercollegiateathletics/3rdgradertoss
www.wheatbreadivesneezedon.blogspot.com
$10 each
Terry 555-8810
www.grassclumpfights.wordpress.com/2010_etleyvschambers
www.filmscriptmania.rtf/breakfastwasspilledontiffany
www.ploopcollege.edu/oncampussearch_pigeonnests
www.whatsinmybellybutton.wordpress.com
www.firetollboothoperatorchris.com
www.plumptincountyeatingcontests.blogspot.com/1997/postagestamp
www.derwoodcollege.edu/intercollegiateathletics/3rdgradertoss
www.wheatbreadivesneezedon.blogspot.com
$10 each
Terry 555-8810
October 16, 2011
For sale
Reality TV on DVD
* Basketball Usher Wives - Complete series w/deleted scenes
* Watch me Drink Toilet Bowl Cleaner - Final season
* Ant Farm Swap - Season 3
$10 each
Sandra 555-4419
* Basketball Usher Wives - Complete series w/deleted scenes
* Watch me Drink Toilet Bowl Cleaner - Final season
* Ant Farm Swap - Season 3
$10 each
Sandra 555-4419
October 15, 2011
Item found
Grape
[photo aged 11 minutes]
* Green
* Doesn't answer to Randy or Randal
* He mostly sits on the carpet underneath the coffee table and keeps to himself. Seems homesick.
Keandre 555-3939
* Green
* Doesn't answer to Randy or Randal
* He mostly sits on the carpet underneath the coffee table and keeps to himself. Seems homesick.
Keandre 555-3939
October 14, 2011
Meetings
Friends of Sam Janford
October meeting
Items to discuss:
* Sam's new bicycle shorts: Q&A
* Apologizing to Jan Sanford for the surprise 'birthday kidnapping' and returning him to his calligraphy class
* Our field trip to the tool shed in Sam's backyard has been moved to December 9
October 17, 2:00 p.m. at Ben & Hillary's condo
October meeting
Items to discuss:
* Sam's new bicycle shorts: Q&A
* Apologizing to Jan Sanford for the surprise 'birthday kidnapping' and returning him to his calligraphy class
* Our field trip to the tool shed in Sam's backyard has been moved to December 9
October 17, 2:00 p.m. at Ben & Hillary's condo
October 13, 2011
For sale
Roof
* Grayish-black
* Used in the filming of the hit reality TV show We're Living on the Roof!
$700 or the equivalent in chimney
Nathaniel & Kiesha 555-8724
* Grayish-black
* Used in the filming of the hit reality TV show We're Living on the Roof!
$700 or the equivalent in chimney
Nathaniel & Kiesha 555-8724
October 12, 2011
For sale
Two tickets to Kaynesport Renegades semi-pro fall baseball
* October 27 game vs. Plumptin Bluejays
* Free with purchase: envelope the tickets came in
$12
Hank 555-1819
* October 27 game vs. Plumptin Bluejays
* Free with purchase: envelope the tickets came in
$12
Hank 555-1819
October 11, 2011
For sale
Used books
* Idiot's Guide to the Spoon - Charlene Hummel
* Portrait of a Wine Stain as a Young Grape - Arthur Clemons
* Devil Wears Elbow Pads - Claire Medlen
* Stop Signs for Dummies - Chocolate House Publishing
$4 each
Linda 555-3401
* Idiot's Guide to the Spoon - Charlene Hummel
* Portrait of a Wine Stain as a Young Grape - Arthur Clemons
* Devil Wears Elbow Pads - Claire Medlen
* Stop Signs for Dummies - Chocolate House Publishing
$4 each
Linda 555-3401
October 10, 2011
October 9, 2011
Missing
Pigeon
* Percy
* Last seen Saturday at the train station, finishing a cigarette butt
East Kaynesport Magicians LLC
555-7449
* Percy
* Last seen Saturday at the train station, finishing a cigarette butt
East Kaynesport Magicians LLC
555-7449
October 8, 2011
For sale
Chair
* Used in the filming of the hit reality TV show Chair Fights: Baltimore
$8
Barry 555-3447
** Hurry, several people named Henry are interested **
* Used in the filming of the hit reality TV show Chair Fights: Baltimore
$8
Barry 555-3447
** Hurry, several people named Henry are interested **
October 7, 2011
Meetings
Beefy's Fast Food Hut - Store #62
Staff meeting
On the agenda:
* Making the customers do five sets of push ups to receive their change was not on the training video
* The 'french fry in my nose' joke at the cash registers is no longer funny
* Meet our new assistant manager in charge of troubled looks, Dorothy Bainbridge
October 10, 3:30 p.m.
Staff meeting
On the agenda:
* Making the customers do five sets of push ups to receive their change was not on the training video
* The 'french fry in my nose' joke at the cash registers is no longer funny
* Meet our new assistant manager in charge of troubled looks, Dorothy Bainbridge
October 10, 3:30 p.m.
October 6, 2011
For sale
Bologna sandwich
* Perfect for the sandwich eater in your life
* Extra piece of lettuce sold separately
* Interesting trades for photographs of bologna sandwiches considered
$2
Paul 555-4002
* Perfect for the sandwich eater in your life
* Extra piece of lettuce sold separately
* Interesting trades for photographs of bologna sandwiches considered
$2
Paul 555-4002
October 5, 2011
Services
Psychiatrist for hire
* Jellypantsphobia (fear of a clothed jellyfish)
* Embellishing how often my goldfish speaks
* Whistling battles in bank lines: keeping it real
* Giant mailboxes invade Front Lawn City
* Bottom of foot piercing regret
* "I cook pounds of jasmine rice, pour it into the bathtub and bathe in it"
* Excessive zippering
Call for rates and availability
Claire 555-6643
* Jellypantsphobia (fear of a clothed jellyfish)
* Embellishing how often my goldfish speaks
* Whistling battles in bank lines: keeping it real
* Giant mailboxes invade Front Lawn City
* Bottom of foot piercing regret
* "I cook pounds of jasmine rice, pour it into the bathtub and bathe in it"
* Excessive zippering
Call for rates and availability
Claire 555-6643
October 4, 2011
For sale
Stuffed bear
* "Maurice"
* Ketchup behind left ear still good
* Interesting trades for live bears considered
$40
Ben & Felicity 555-3991
* "Maurice"
* Ketchup behind left ear still good
* Interesting trades for live bears considered
$40
Ben & Felicity 555-3991
October 3, 2011
Services
Professional pointer for hire
"I'll point at anything"
* Fully-licensed
* Over 40 years of pointing experience
* Once pointed at a building for over 15 minutes 22 seconds (national record)
* Assistant manager in charge of pointing at Beefy's Fast Food Hut #344 (May, 2006-December, 2008)
Call for pricing list
Jill 555-7990
** Now pointing at broken-down vehicles **
"I'll point at anything"
* Fully-licensed
* Over 40 years of pointing experience
* Once pointed at a building for over 15 minutes 22 seconds (national record)
* Assistant manager in charge of pointing at Beefy's Fast Food Hut #344 (May, 2006-December, 2008)
Call for pricing list
Jill 555-7990
** Now pointing at broken-down vehicles **
October 2, 2011
Meetings
A Novel Concept book club
October meeting
Books to discuss:
* Turkey Sandwich, Interrupted - Gail Clemens
* The Girl With the Vacuum Cleaner Tattoo - Elliot Shane
* Idiot's Guide to the Faucet - Ed. Samantha Horn
* History of North American Mud Fights - Chocolate House Publishing
October 4, 7:00 p.m. at Ned & Danita's apartment
October meeting
Books to discuss:
* Turkey Sandwich, Interrupted - Gail Clemens
* The Girl With the Vacuum Cleaner Tattoo - Elliot Shane
* Idiot's Guide to the Faucet - Ed. Samantha Horn
* History of North American Mud Fights - Chocolate House Publishing
October 4, 7:00 p.m. at Ned & Danita's apartment
October 1, 2011
For rent
Basketball goal
* Must provide own net
* Used in the filming of the hit reality TV show Basketball Statistician's Wives
* Wasp nest on rear side of backboard
* Youth player with terrible jump shot and chicken legs (Randal Jr.) free with rental agreement
$25/hour
Randal & Beverly 555-3391
* Must provide own net
* Used in the filming of the hit reality TV show Basketball Statistician's Wives
* Wasp nest on rear side of backboard
* Youth player with terrible jump shot and chicken legs (Randal Jr.) free with rental agreement
$25/hour
Randal & Beverly 555-3391
September 30, 2011
September 29, 2011
Meetings
Friends of Barry Neemitz
Fall meeting
Items to discuss:
* Barry's surgery aftermath: auctioning off the old thumbs for charity
* Who is available to drive Barry's grandfather, Calvin, to his Too Many Calvins meeting October 8?
* Our field trip to Barry's mailbox has been rescheduled for November 22
Thursday, 3:00 p.m. at the Corcoran Baptist Church
Fall meeting
Items to discuss:
* Barry's surgery aftermath: auctioning off the old thumbs for charity
* Who is available to drive Barry's grandfather, Calvin, to his Too Many Calvins meeting October 8?
* Our field trip to Barry's mailbox has been rescheduled for November 22
Thursday, 3:00 p.m. at the Corcoran Baptist Church
September 28, 2011
Meetings
Plumptin Pirates 10-under football
Mid-season award ceremony
To be given out:
- Weakest arm
Mid-season award ceremony
To be given out:
- Weakest arm
- Pet with worst breath award
- Least attractive older sister
- Least attractive older sister
- Helmet on backwards award
- Worst hand-off
September 30, 6:00 p.m. at O'Shoolihon's
September 30, 6:00 p.m. at O'Shoolihon's
September 27, 2011
Obituary
Emmit Larsen
1906-2011
Emmit died doing what he loved: arguing with a squirrel on the roof. The founding member of the political activist group S.F.M. (Separation of Feathers & Milk) and protest group GO-FUMS (Get Out From Under My Sink), he also formed the air drumming trio Bologna Face in 1974 and the group played their final show at the 1981 Shovel at the Shore benefit to raise awareness of snow.
1906-2011
Emmit died doing what he loved: arguing with a squirrel on the roof. The founding member of the political activist group S.F.M. (Separation of Feathers & Milk) and protest group GO-FUMS (Get Out From Under My Sink), he also formed the air drumming trio Bologna Face in 1974 and the group played their final show at the 1981 Shovel at the Shore benefit to raise awareness of snow.
Emmit is survived by a photograph of his goldfish, Marty.
Funeral services are set for October 1 at 4:30 p.m., then it's off to Padre's for quarter beer night
September 26, 2011
For sale
Mud
* Over two pounds available
* Used as a stand-in on the reality TV show Watch Me Eat Mud
Call for pricing list
Stanley 555-3341
* Over two pounds available
* Used as a stand-in on the reality TV show Watch Me Eat Mud
Call for pricing list
Stanley 555-3341
September 25, 2011
For sale
DVD for sale
Reality TV
* Are You Fatter Than Andy? - Complete Series
* Paper Boys: Denver
* We're Living on a School Bus! - Season 3
* The Real Bird's Nests of the Wexford Public Library - Final season
* Does Your Grandma Have To Be Here? - Season 7 (w/extended scenes)
$5 each
Keonte 555-0818
Reality TV
* Are You Fatter Than Andy? - Complete Series
* Paper Boys: Denver
* We're Living on a School Bus! - Season 3
* The Real Bird's Nests of the Wexford Public Library - Final season
* Does Your Grandma Have To Be Here? - Season 7 (w/extended scenes)
$5 each
Keonte 555-0818
September 24, 2011
For sale
Recliner
* Used in the filming of the 2007 reality TV show Will Anyone Go On A Date With My Father?
$32
Dale 555-0440
** Ask about our toupee trade-in options **
* Used in the filming of the 2007 reality TV show Will Anyone Go On A Date With My Father?
$32
Dale 555-0440
** Ask about our toupee trade-in options **
September 23, 2011
Pet personal ad
SWBD, age 6. Looking for a nice, young canine to help me bark at the shadows in the garage. If you've got things crawling around on your back, that's a plus.
* Breath must smell like rotten earthworms or worse *
Bruce box 76991
* Breath must smell like rotten earthworms or worse *
Bruce box 76991
September 22, 2011
For sale
Car door
* Blue w/some deer blood
* Free with purchase:
- six pennies, four nickels
* Door handle sold separately
$11
Pete 555-7329
* Blue w/some deer blood
* Free with purchase:
- six pennies, four nickels
* Door handle sold separately
$11
Pete 555-7329
September 21, 2011
Services
Landscaper for hire
* Mailbox flag trimming
* Grass-eating contest judge
* Who fell off the roof?
Tutorials:
- Staircase climbing for dummies
- "There's no reason to mow the driveway"
Call for rates and availability
Gus 555-7739
* Mailbox flag trimming
* Grass-eating contest judge
* Who fell off the roof?
Tutorials:
- Staircase climbing for dummies
- "There's no reason to mow the driveway"
Call for rates and availability
Gus 555-7739
September 20, 2011
Meetings
Scorpions 35-over adult league baseball
Post-season team meeting
Items to discuss:
* Please return all stirrups to the bucket at the front of the room
* Coach Nick's huge disappointment list
* Awards to be given out:
- Slowest pitch
- Most eye black eaten
- Girlfriend/wife with the worst breath
- Run to first fall down before you get there award
- Worst bunt
- "We can never remember this guy's name" award
September 21, 6:30 p.m. at the Kaynesport Ave. Ernie's Pizza
Post-season team meeting
Items to discuss:
* Please return all stirrups to the bucket at the front of the room
* Coach Nick's huge disappointment list
* Awards to be given out:
- Slowest pitch
- Most eye black eaten
- Girlfriend/wife with the worst breath
- Run to first fall down before you get there award
- Worst bunt
- "We can never remember this guy's name" award
September 21, 6:30 p.m. at the Kaynesport Ave. Ernie's Pizza
September 19, 2011
Public Service Announcement
No one wins when cucumbers turn to a life of drugs.
Talk to your vegetables before something else in the refrigerator does.
Talk to your vegetables before something else in the refrigerator does.
September 18, 2011
Meetings
The Clothing Store
Staff meeting
On the agenda:
* What not to sell in the fitting rooms
* Please stop accepting coat hangers from our men's department as currency
* If it has to be killed inside the store, we are not legally allowed to sell it as a fur
September 19, 9:00 a.m.
Staff meeting
On the agenda:
* What not to sell in the fitting rooms
* Please stop accepting coat hangers from our men's department as currency
* If it has to be killed inside the store, we are not legally allowed to sell it as a fur
September 19, 9:00 a.m.
September 17, 2011
For sale
Bike seat
* Black; perfect for sitting on while biking
* 12 dead ants underneath free with purchase
$8
Lance 555-6886
* Black; perfect for sitting on while biking
* 12 dead ants underneath free with purchase
$8
Lance 555-6886
September 16, 2011
For sale
Fortune cookie message
"You have some chicken fried rice on your shirt"
50 for $5
"You have some chicken fried rice on your shirt"
50 for $5
100 for $8
Over 500: inquire within
Grinning Wok 555-8911
Grinning Wok 555-8911
September 15, 2011
September 14, 2011
For sale
VHS
Movies
* Throw Momma's Back Medicine from the Train
* War of the Worms
* So, I Married a Sax Murderer
Other
* History's Greatest Delayed Airline Flights, Vol. 2
* Baseball's Most Famous Foul Tips
$3 each
Sandra 555-1886
Movies
* Throw Momma's Back Medicine from the Train
* War of the Worms
* So, I Married a Sax Murderer
Other
* History's Greatest Delayed Airline Flights, Vol. 2
* Baseball's Most Famous Foul Tips
$3 each
Sandra 555-1886
September 13, 2011
For sale
Band aid
* Yellow
* Edible (?)
* Used in the filming of the hit reality TV show Who Is Bleeding Now?!
$4
Gabe 555-3970
* Yellow
* Edible (?)
* Used in the filming of the hit reality TV show Who Is Bleeding Now?!
$4
Gabe 555-3970
September 12, 2011
For sale
Used protest signs
"Stop burying cabbage in my front lawn!"
"Save the soup: help us keep the spoons out"
"Blakeley High: give us back our math teacher!"
$5 each
Hillary 555-7761
"Stop burying cabbage in my front lawn!"
"Save the soup: help us keep the spoons out"
"Blakeley High: give us back our math teacher!"
$5 each
Hillary 555-7761
September 11, 2011
Casting call
The Feathers-Morris Theater Company is holding auditions for the following roles in the upcoming production of Nose Bleed of a Salesman
* Evil Kent
* Ivan: half-man, half-bologna sandwich
* Ollie the singing mailbox
* Young Diane
* Rubber Band Hall of Fame curator Owen Bagwell
* Raccoon #2
* Sneezy The Clown
Auditions - September 17, 2:00 p.m.-7:30 p.m. at the theater - 77 Gallego Crossing, Kaynesport
* Evil Kent
* Ivan: half-man, half-bologna sandwich
* Ollie the singing mailbox
* Young Diane
* Rubber Band Hall of Fame curator Owen Bagwell
* Raccoon #2
* Sneezy The Clown
Auditions - September 17, 2:00 p.m.-7:30 p.m. at the theater - 77 Gallego Crossing, Kaynesport
September 10, 2011
Meetings
League of Randys fantasy football league
Pre-draft meeting
Only item on the agenda:
* Randy McGee's real name is Rodney McGahee, so we have an opening in the North Division
September 12, 7:00 p.m. at Randy's house
Pre-draft meeting
Only item on the agenda:
* Randy McGee's real name is Rodney McGahee, so we have an opening in the North Division
September 12, 7:00 p.m. at Randy's house
September 9, 2011
September 8, 2011
Services
Psychiatrist or hire
* "The hood of my sweatshirt is laughing at me behind my back"
* Bringing a hedge trimmer in the shower
* Fear of opera-singing banana peels
* The voices inside your slippers
* Excessive dusting off
* Roniphobia (the fear of losing your phobia in a plate of macaroni salad)
* "I'm not a schizophrenic, but the canary living in my hair says you are"
Call for rates and availability
Marie 555-5572
* "The hood of my sweatshirt is laughing at me behind my back"
* Bringing a hedge trimmer in the shower
* Fear of opera-singing banana peels
* The voices inside your slippers
* Excessive dusting off
* Roniphobia (the fear of losing your phobia in a plate of macaroni salad)
* "I'm not a schizophrenic, but the canary living in my hair says you are"
Call for rates and availability
Marie 555-5572
September 7, 2011
For sale
Drive-thru bill
* $6.19 due
* I'm at Beefy's Fast Food Hut #93, in a white car, currently third from the window. I'll be snapping my fingers and pointing to the hood of the car.
* As many as three salt packets free with purchase
$10
Daniel 555-6001
* $6.19 due
* I'm at Beefy's Fast Food Hut #93, in a white car, currently third from the window. I'll be snapping my fingers and pointing to the hood of the car.
* As many as three salt packets free with purchase
$10
Daniel 555-6001
September 6, 2011
Meetings
The Tinkle Army
Band meeting
On the agenda:
* Let's talk seriously about changing the name of the band
* We can't keep letting the audience members decide when the guitar solos end
* The benefit concert to raise awareness of the sky has been moved to October 20
September 8, 2:00 p.m. at the rehearsal space
Band meeting
On the agenda:
* Let's talk seriously about changing the name of the band
* We can't keep letting the audience members decide when the guitar solos end
* The benefit concert to raise awareness of the sky has been moved to October 20
September 8, 2:00 p.m. at the rehearsal space
For sale
I'm selling some of my old domain names.
Great prices available.
www.coopercollege.edu/intercollegiateathletics_competitiveleafeating
www.moviescriptmadness.bcm/coughofasalesman
www.otherhoracesivemet.tumblr.com/horaceburton
www.pinchestheclown.com/2011tourdates
www.deadwormsifound.blogspot.com
www.mudfights.com/1993/wilkinsvsholmeier2
www.movielist.wordpress.com/thingswelostinthemashedpotatoes
www.nectarinesiveyettofinish.blogspot.com
Call for pricing list
Horace 555-4991
Great prices available.
www.coopercollege.edu/intercollegiateathletics_competitiveleafeating
www.moviescriptmadness.bcm/coughofasalesman
www.otherhoracesivemet.tumblr.com/horaceburton
www.pinchestheclown.com/2011tourdates
www.deadwormsifound.blogspot.com
www.mudfights.com/1993/wilkinsvsholmeier2
www.movielist.wordpress.com/thingswelostinthemashedpotatoes
www.nectarinesiveyettofinish.blogspot.com
Call for pricing list
Horace 555-4991
September 5, 2011
Services
Looking to literally and/or figuratively follow in Joe Maglio's footsteps?
Joe Maglio 555-9995
Joe Maglio 555-9995
September 4, 2011
For sale
Used books
- Idiot's Guide to the Tape Dispenser
- The Girl With the Bath Tub Tattoo
- What to Expect When You're Expecting Possums
- Book of Goldfish Names: Boys
$3 each
Beth 555-1132
- Idiot's Guide to the Tape Dispenser
- The Girl With the Bath Tub Tattoo
- What to Expect When You're Expecting Possums
- Book of Goldfish Names: Boys
$3 each
Beth 555-1132
September 3, 2011
For sale
I've got some of my oldest sayings for sale.
Great deals available.
"You can't make a meatloaf without breaking some legs"
"I'll garnish my own catcher's mask, thank you very much"
"Better to have loved a moth than to have never rubbed a shawl"
"You going to eat that refrigerator magnet?"
"You can't take a bottle opener to a gun fight"
Call for pricing list
Roderick 555-3346
Great deals available.
"You can't make a meatloaf without breaking some legs"
"I'll garnish my own catcher's mask, thank you very much"
"Better to have loved a moth than to have never rubbed a shawl"
"You going to eat that refrigerator magnet?"
"You can't take a bottle opener to a gun fight"
Call for pricing list
Roderick 555-3346
September 2, 2011
For sale
Reality TV on DVD
* Who Can't Spell?! - Complete series
* Watch Me Drink Engine Coolant! - Season 1
* Who Wants to Take My Grandson to the Homecoming Dance? - Season 5 w/outtakes
$10 each
Carlos 555-3772
* Who Can't Spell?! - Complete series
* Watch Me Drink Engine Coolant! - Season 1
* Who Wants to Take My Grandson to the Homecoming Dance? - Season 5 w/outtakes
$10 each
Carlos 555-3772
September 1, 2011
Meetings
Sandpaper Store
Staff meeting
On the agenda:
* Former cashier Harold Boggs' autographed sandpaper is now up for auction
* We no longer sell sandpaper sandwiches after last Thursday's spicy mustard incident
* The sandpaper sauna has been removed from the break room indefinitely
May 7, 2:00 p.m.
Staff meeting
On the agenda:
* Former cashier Harold Boggs' autographed sandpaper is now up for auction
* We no longer sell sandpaper sandwiches after last Thursday's spicy mustard incident
* The sandpaper sauna has been removed from the break room indefinitely
May 7, 2:00 p.m.
August 31, 2011
Public Service Announcement
Help prevent young apples from turning to a life on the streets.
C.O.R.E.
Call 555-4041 to find out how you can help
August 30, 2011
Opportunities
Kaynesport Community College
New classes offered!
* Understanding Ice Cubes
* History of the Sneaker
- Pre-requisite: History of the Foot
* Survey: Guys Named Ernie
- Pre-requisite: Guys Named Darryl
* Intro to Elevators & Escalators
* Where's the Bookstore?
- Pre-requisite: When is the #8 bus going to get here?
Register today!
Kaynesport CC 555-2391
New classes offered!
* Understanding Ice Cubes
* History of the Sneaker
- Pre-requisite: History of the Foot
* Survey: Guys Named Ernie
- Pre-requisite: Guys Named Darryl
* Intro to Elevators & Escalators
* Where's the Bookstore?
- Pre-requisite: When is the #8 bus going to get here?
Register today!
Kaynesport CC 555-2391
August 29, 2011
August 28, 2011
August 27, 2011
Meetings
PleasePay Groceries - Store #113
Staff meeting
On the agenda:
* What's the code for parsley?
* No pulling the customers' hair while they swipe their credit cards
August 29, 9:00 a.m.
Staff meeting
On the agenda:
* What's the code for parsley?
* No pulling the customers' hair while they swipe their credit cards
August 29, 9:00 a.m.
August 26, 2011
Home for rent
1/8 BR
1 WALL
* Front door installed May, 2011 *
- Bathroom just a two-minute drive
- Close proximity to mud pit 6
- Used in the filming of the 2008 motion picture Raccoon Wedding
$93/month
Ben & Nadine 555-6196
August 25, 2011
August 24, 2011
August 23, 2011
August 22, 2011
For hire
Hit man
"I can be very persuasive."
Now offering:
* Pushings
* Scratches
* Aggressive pointing
* Arm underfat pinches
and
"the old celery-in-the-ear"
Call for rates and availability
Terrence 555-3371
"I can be very persuasive."
Now offering:
* Pushings
* Scratches
* Aggressive pointing
* Arm underfat pinches
and
"the old celery-in-the-ear"
Call for rates and availability
Terrence 555-3371
August 21, 2011
Meetings
Taco Palace
Staff meeting
Items to discuss:
* Put on your work pants after your belt
* The front pocket of a customer's pants is not a "taco shell"
August 22, 9:00 a.m.
Staff meeting
Items to discuss:
* Put on your work pants after your belt
* The front pocket of a customer's pants is not a "taco shell"
August 22, 9:00 a.m.
August 20, 2011
August 19, 2011
Services
Psychiatrist for hire
* Fear of a clothed giraffe
* Bringing a rake into the bath tub
* "I make split pea soup and pour it into my wool hats"
* Excessive air laughing
* Giant ice cubes invade Freezer City
Call for rates and availability
Claire 555-6791
* Fear of a clothed giraffe
* Bringing a rake into the bath tub
* "I make split pea soup and pour it into my wool hats"
* Excessive air laughing
* Giant ice cubes invade Freezer City
Call for rates and availability
Claire 555-6791
August 18, 2011
Meetings
Piso Street bus station - Monday, August 22, 9:00 a.m. pick up
Passenger meeting
Saturday, August 21, 7:00 p.m. at Paymore grocery store
* We'll begin the meeting with a vote on order of bus entrance, so please arrive on time *
Passenger meeting
Saturday, August 21, 7:00 p.m. at Paymore grocery store
* We'll begin the meeting with a vote on order of bus entrance, so please arrive on time *
August 17, 2011
August 16, 2011
For sale
Reality TV on DVD
* Are You Pimplier Than a 7th Grader? - Season 4
* America's Got Ear Infections - Season 1-2
* Busboys: San Antonio
* Orthodontist Wives - Final season w/deleted scenes
* Litter Box - Season 2
$10 each
Paige 555-2199
* Are You Pimplier Than a 7th Grader? - Season 4
* America's Got Ear Infections - Season 1-2
* Busboys: San Antonio
* Orthodontist Wives - Final season w/deleted scenes
* Litter Box - Season 2
$10 each
Paige 555-2199
Meetings
A Novel Concept book club
Late-summer meeting
Books to discuss:
* The Girl With the Taxi Cab Tattoo - Niles Shane
* The Roping Off of Lot 49 - Chocolate House Publishing
* Idiot's Guide to the Pencil Sharpener - Ed. Molly Orsen
August 18, 7:00 p.m. at Vince & Corbin's condo
Late-summer meeting
Books to discuss:
* The Girl With the Taxi Cab Tattoo - Niles Shane
* The Roping Off of Lot 49 - Chocolate House Publishing
* Idiot's Guide to the Pencil Sharpener - Ed. Molly Orsen
August 18, 7:00 p.m. at Vince & Corbin's condo
August 15, 2011
Casting call
The Derwood Theater Group is looking for actors and actresses to audition for the following roles in the upcoming play New Slippers for Josephine.
* Bert
* Young Josephine
* Voice of singing curling iron
* Evil Brenda
* Slipper Hall of Fame curator Irvin Walch
* Earless Paul
* Reverend Johnnie "Magic Man" Chamberlain
* Bert
* Young Josephine
* Voice of singing curling iron
* Evil Brenda
* Slipper Hall of Fame curator Irvin Walch
* Earless Paul
* Reverend Johnnie "Magic Man" Chamberlain
* Olin the talking cantaloupe
** We're also looking to hire someone who can coax a family of raccoons out of a washing machine **
Auditions: July 30 from 2:00 p.m. until 7:00 p.m.
Derwood Theater Group - 389 Vupple Crossing, South Plumptin
** We're also looking to hire someone who can coax a family of raccoons out of a washing machine **
Auditions: July 30 from 2:00 p.m. until 7:00 p.m.
Derwood Theater Group - 389 Vupple Crossing, South Plumptin
August 14, 2011
For sale
Lizard
Lyle
Age: 4
Good crawler; loves bugs and moldy tarps.
- Light-brown at night
$115 or best offer
Conrad 555-9119
Lyle
Age: 4
Good crawler; loves bugs and moldy tarps.
- Light-brown at night
$115 or best offer
Conrad 555-9119
August 13, 2011
Huge yearbook sale!
Everything must go!
Riverbend Middle School
- 1989-1990 (Special green cover, with Sarah Kerr autograph)
- 1990-1991
Howard Taft High School
- 1991-1992 (Picture of me on the JV baseball team, page 63)
- 1992-1993 (Tracy Hannigan autograph)
- 1993-1994
- 1994-1995 (Senior year *rare*)
$25 each
Gary 555-7606
Riverbend Middle School
- 1989-1990 (Special green cover, with Sarah Kerr autograph)
- 1990-1991
Howard Taft High School
- 1991-1992 (Picture of me on the JV baseball team, page 63)
- 1992-1993 (Tracy Hannigan autograph)
- 1993-1994
- 1994-1995 (Senior year *rare*)
$25 each
Gary 555-7606
August 12, 2011
Events
Upcoming events at the brand-new Plumptin Arena:
September 6 - Monster Wheelbarrow Rally
September 19 - Shouting at Kevins Festival
September 28 - How Many Olives Can Beth Fit in Her Mouth?
October 9 - InstructionmanualCon
October 16 - Pete & Linda Sing the Phonebook: H-K
Get your tickets today!
Box office: 555-8177
September 6 - Monster Wheelbarrow Rally
September 19 - Shouting at Kevins Festival
September 28 - How Many Olives Can Beth Fit in Her Mouth?
October 9 - InstructionmanualCon
October 16 - Pete & Linda Sing the Phonebook: H-K
Get your tickets today!
Box office: 555-8177
August 11, 2011
August 10, 2011
Announcements
The 6th annual Kaynesport Lettuce Toss will be held October 2-3 at the Feathers Fairgrounds.
Call 555-4291 to register.
Past Lettuce Toss champions:
2010 - Noodles Tiso
2009 - Lenny Schlofko
2008 - Paco Mejia
2007 - Junior A. Sherman (title vacated: performing enhancing book jackets)
2006 - Noodles Tiso
Call 555-4291 to register.
Past Lettuce Toss champions:
2010 - Noodles Tiso
2009 - Lenny Schlofko
2008 - Paco Mejia
2007 - Junior A. Sherman (title vacated: performing enhancing book jackets)
2006 - Noodles Tiso
August 9, 2011
August 8, 2011
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