August 31, 2011
Public Service Announcement
Help prevent young apples from turning to a life on the streets.
C.O.R.E.
Call 555-4041 to find out how you can help
August 30, 2011
Opportunities
Kaynesport Community College
New classes offered!
* Understanding Ice Cubes
* History of the Sneaker
- Pre-requisite: History of the Foot
* Survey: Guys Named Ernie
- Pre-requisite: Guys Named Darryl
* Intro to Elevators & Escalators
* Where's the Bookstore?
- Pre-requisite: When is the #8 bus going to get here?
Register today!
Kaynesport CC 555-2391
New classes offered!
* Understanding Ice Cubes
* History of the Sneaker
- Pre-requisite: History of the Foot
* Survey: Guys Named Ernie
- Pre-requisite: Guys Named Darryl
* Intro to Elevators & Escalators
* Where's the Bookstore?
- Pre-requisite: When is the #8 bus going to get here?
Register today!
Kaynesport CC 555-2391
August 29, 2011
August 28, 2011
August 27, 2011
Meetings
PleasePay Groceries - Store #113
Staff meeting
On the agenda:
* What's the code for parsley?
* No pulling the customers' hair while they swipe their credit cards
August 29, 9:00 a.m.
Staff meeting
On the agenda:
* What's the code for parsley?
* No pulling the customers' hair while they swipe their credit cards
August 29, 9:00 a.m.
August 26, 2011
Home for rent
1/8 BR
1 WALL
* Front door installed May, 2011 *
- Bathroom just a two-minute drive
- Close proximity to mud pit 6
- Used in the filming of the 2008 motion picture Raccoon Wedding
$93/month
Ben & Nadine 555-6196
August 25, 2011
August 24, 2011
August 23, 2011
August 22, 2011
For hire
Hit man
"I can be very persuasive."
Now offering:
* Pushings
* Scratches
* Aggressive pointing
* Arm underfat pinches
and
"the old celery-in-the-ear"
Call for rates and availability
Terrence 555-3371
"I can be very persuasive."
Now offering:
* Pushings
* Scratches
* Aggressive pointing
* Arm underfat pinches
and
"the old celery-in-the-ear"
Call for rates and availability
Terrence 555-3371
August 21, 2011
Meetings
Taco Palace
Staff meeting
Items to discuss:
* Put on your work pants after your belt
* The front pocket of a customer's pants is not a "taco shell"
August 22, 9:00 a.m.
Staff meeting
Items to discuss:
* Put on your work pants after your belt
* The front pocket of a customer's pants is not a "taco shell"
August 22, 9:00 a.m.
August 20, 2011
August 19, 2011
Services
Psychiatrist for hire
* Fear of a clothed giraffe
* Bringing a rake into the bath tub
* "I make split pea soup and pour it into my wool hats"
* Excessive air laughing
* Giant ice cubes invade Freezer City
Call for rates and availability
Claire 555-6791
* Fear of a clothed giraffe
* Bringing a rake into the bath tub
* "I make split pea soup and pour it into my wool hats"
* Excessive air laughing
* Giant ice cubes invade Freezer City
Call for rates and availability
Claire 555-6791
August 18, 2011
Meetings
Piso Street bus station - Monday, August 22, 9:00 a.m. pick up
Passenger meeting
Saturday, August 21, 7:00 p.m. at Paymore grocery store
* We'll begin the meeting with a vote on order of bus entrance, so please arrive on time *
Passenger meeting
Saturday, August 21, 7:00 p.m. at Paymore grocery store
* We'll begin the meeting with a vote on order of bus entrance, so please arrive on time *
August 17, 2011
August 16, 2011
For sale
Reality TV on DVD
* Are You Pimplier Than a 7th Grader? - Season 4
* America's Got Ear Infections - Season 1-2
* Busboys: San Antonio
* Orthodontist Wives - Final season w/deleted scenes
* Litter Box - Season 2
$10 each
Paige 555-2199
* Are You Pimplier Than a 7th Grader? - Season 4
* America's Got Ear Infections - Season 1-2
* Busboys: San Antonio
* Orthodontist Wives - Final season w/deleted scenes
* Litter Box - Season 2
$10 each
Paige 555-2199
Meetings
A Novel Concept book club
Late-summer meeting
Books to discuss:
* The Girl With the Taxi Cab Tattoo - Niles Shane
* The Roping Off of Lot 49 - Chocolate House Publishing
* Idiot's Guide to the Pencil Sharpener - Ed. Molly Orsen
August 18, 7:00 p.m. at Vince & Corbin's condo
Late-summer meeting
Books to discuss:
* The Girl With the Taxi Cab Tattoo - Niles Shane
* The Roping Off of Lot 49 - Chocolate House Publishing
* Idiot's Guide to the Pencil Sharpener - Ed. Molly Orsen
August 18, 7:00 p.m. at Vince & Corbin's condo
August 15, 2011
Casting call
The Derwood Theater Group is looking for actors and actresses to audition for the following roles in the upcoming play New Slippers for Josephine.
* Bert
* Young Josephine
* Voice of singing curling iron
* Evil Brenda
* Slipper Hall of Fame curator Irvin Walch
* Earless Paul
* Reverend Johnnie "Magic Man" Chamberlain
* Bert
* Young Josephine
* Voice of singing curling iron
* Evil Brenda
* Slipper Hall of Fame curator Irvin Walch
* Earless Paul
* Reverend Johnnie "Magic Man" Chamberlain
* Olin the talking cantaloupe
** We're also looking to hire someone who can coax a family of raccoons out of a washing machine **
Auditions: July 30 from 2:00 p.m. until 7:00 p.m.
Derwood Theater Group - 389 Vupple Crossing, South Plumptin
** We're also looking to hire someone who can coax a family of raccoons out of a washing machine **
Auditions: July 30 from 2:00 p.m. until 7:00 p.m.
Derwood Theater Group - 389 Vupple Crossing, South Plumptin
August 14, 2011
For sale
Lizard
Lyle
Age: 4
Good crawler; loves bugs and moldy tarps.
- Light-brown at night
$115 or best offer
Conrad 555-9119
Lyle
Age: 4
Good crawler; loves bugs and moldy tarps.
- Light-brown at night
$115 or best offer
Conrad 555-9119
August 13, 2011
Huge yearbook sale!
Everything must go!
Riverbend Middle School
- 1989-1990 (Special green cover, with Sarah Kerr autograph)
- 1990-1991
Howard Taft High School
- 1991-1992 (Picture of me on the JV baseball team, page 63)
- 1992-1993 (Tracy Hannigan autograph)
- 1993-1994
- 1994-1995 (Senior year *rare*)
$25 each
Gary 555-7606
Riverbend Middle School
- 1989-1990 (Special green cover, with Sarah Kerr autograph)
- 1990-1991
Howard Taft High School
- 1991-1992 (Picture of me on the JV baseball team, page 63)
- 1992-1993 (Tracy Hannigan autograph)
- 1993-1994
- 1994-1995 (Senior year *rare*)
$25 each
Gary 555-7606
August 12, 2011
Events
Upcoming events at the brand-new Plumptin Arena:
September 6 - Monster Wheelbarrow Rally
September 19 - Shouting at Kevins Festival
September 28 - How Many Olives Can Beth Fit in Her Mouth?
October 9 - InstructionmanualCon
October 16 - Pete & Linda Sing the Phonebook: H-K
Get your tickets today!
Box office: 555-8177
September 6 - Monster Wheelbarrow Rally
September 19 - Shouting at Kevins Festival
September 28 - How Many Olives Can Beth Fit in Her Mouth?
October 9 - InstructionmanualCon
October 16 - Pete & Linda Sing the Phonebook: H-K
Get your tickets today!
Box office: 555-8177
August 11, 2011
August 10, 2011
Announcements
The 6th annual Kaynesport Lettuce Toss will be held October 2-3 at the Feathers Fairgrounds.
Call 555-4291 to register.
Past Lettuce Toss champions:
2010 - Noodles Tiso
2009 - Lenny Schlofko
2008 - Paco Mejia
2007 - Junior A. Sherman (title vacated: performing enhancing book jackets)
2006 - Noodles Tiso
Call 555-4291 to register.
Past Lettuce Toss champions:
2010 - Noodles Tiso
2009 - Lenny Schlofko
2008 - Paco Mejia
2007 - Junior A. Sherman (title vacated: performing enhancing book jackets)
2006 - Noodles Tiso
August 9, 2011
August 8, 2011
Services
Handy man for hire
I can handle a wide variety of odd jobs, including:
* Directions to your mailbox
* Introducing crayons to other crayons
* Giving your toothbrush the right name
* "I can fit an an entire cantaloupe in my mouth"
* Leaf eating contest judge
* Gluing things to infants
Call for rates and availability
Patrice 555-4004
I can handle a wide variety of odd jobs, including:
* Directions to your mailbox
* Introducing crayons to other crayons
* Giving your toothbrush the right name
* "I can fit an an entire cantaloupe in my mouth"
* Leaf eating contest judge
* Gluing things to infants
Call for rates and availability
Patrice 555-4004
August 7, 2011
Meetings
Plumptin Pythons semi pro football
Pre-season team meeting
On the agenda:
* A nose tackle does not tackle people and pick their noses, despite what former coach Ron Jackson may have said
* Why only in practice do we get three points for throwing the ball between the uprights
August 8, 2:00 p.m. at the field house
Pre-season team meeting
On the agenda:
* A nose tackle does not tackle people and pick their noses, despite what former coach Ron Jackson may have said
* Why only in practice do we get three points for throwing the ball between the uprights
August 8, 2:00 p.m. at the field house
August 6, 2011
For sale
$10 bill
* Received in change at Beefy's Fast Food Hut, Store #117 (August 4)
* According to legend, once belonged to Lyle Vernon lookalike Kyle Ferman
* Free counterfeit $10 bill with purchase
$20 or best offer
Zach 555-3491
* Received in change at Beefy's Fast Food Hut, Store #117 (August 4)
* According to legend, once belonged to Lyle Vernon lookalike Kyle Ferman
* Free counterfeit $10 bill with purchase
$20 or best offer
Zach 555-3491
August 5, 2011
Meetings
Jelsen's Used Cars
Sales staff meeting
Items to discuss:
* The customers are not allowed to buy just the bumper
* Please stop accepting band aids with dollar amounts written on them as currency
* The steering wheel is not optional
August 7, 11:00 a.m.
Sales staff meeting
Items to discuss:
* The customers are not allowed to buy just the bumper
* Please stop accepting band aids with dollar amounts written on them as currency
* The steering wheel is not optional
August 7, 11:00 a.m.
August 4, 2011
Announcements
Drunville Blastos Baseball
Additions to 2011 promotional calendar
August 21 - Toss Apricots into the Bullpen Night
August 30 - Bring Your Ostrich to the Ballpark
September 12 - Stapler Day
September 13 - Pick on the Owner's Son
September 26 - Peanut Shell Night
Call 555-DRUN for tickets
Additions to 2011 promotional calendar
August 21 - Toss Apricots into the Bullpen Night
August 30 - Bring Your Ostrich to the Ballpark
September 12 - Stapler Day
September 13 - Pick on the Owner's Son
September 26 - Peanut Shell Night
Call 555-DRUN for tickets
August 3, 2011
Services
Furm, Ledner & Kappola
Law Offices
"Putting the 'aw' and 'fic' back in 'law offices' since 1996."
Specializing in:
* Anthillnapping
* Following too closely to a pigeon while juggling bars of soap
* Impersonating a police radar detector
* S.U.I. (Shlubbering under the influence)
* Receiving stolen eggplant
* Shouting profanity at a box of cereal while wearing a kangaroo costume
Call for rates and availability
555-0018
Law Offices
"Putting the 'aw' and 'fic' back in 'law offices' since 1996."
Specializing in:
* Anthillnapping
* Following too closely to a pigeon while juggling bars of soap
* Impersonating a police radar detector
* S.U.I. (Shlubbering under the influence)
* Receiving stolen eggplant
* Shouting profanity at a box of cereal while wearing a kangaroo costume
Call for rates and availability
555-0018
August 2, 2011
Announcements
Kaynesport Hippos 35-under fall baseball
Final roster is set
* Returning player
1. Solomon Beverly
2. Johnny Puddles*
3. Oscar Phillipe
4. Kenny Rico
5. Jasper Kuddy
6. Morris Felix*
7. Ernie Christmas*
8. Mookie Paddock Jr.
9. Jesper Kuddy
10. Dane Cornish*
11. E.B. Shuck*
12. Peanuts Martinez*
13. Noodles Corcoran
First practice: August 5, 1:00 p.m. at field 6
Final roster is set
* Returning player
1. Solomon Beverly
2. Johnny Puddles*
3. Oscar Phillipe
4. Kenny Rico
5. Jasper Kuddy
6. Morris Felix*
7. Ernie Christmas*
8. Mookie Paddock Jr.
9. Jesper Kuddy
10. Dane Cornish*
11. E.B. Shuck*
12. Peanuts Martinez*
13. Noodles Corcoran
First practice: August 5, 1:00 p.m. at field 6
August 1, 2011
Services
Nick Bergeron
Psychiatrist for hire
* Embellishing janitorial work
* Fear of exploding arm pits
* Shampoo bottle tattoo regret
* Excessive air trumpeting
* Hoarding tape dispensers
* Fear of drawings of snakes
Call for hourly rates
555-1316
Psychiatrist for hire
* Embellishing janitorial work
* Fear of exploding arm pits
* Shampoo bottle tattoo regret
* Excessive air trumpeting
* Hoarding tape dispensers
* Fear of drawings of snakes
Call for hourly rates
555-1316
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