Obituary

Clarence Pershack
1921-2012

A long-time penguin runner in the black market mammal trade, Mr. Pershack died suddenly, Monday morning when he was trapped in his refrigerator and later perished in the vegetable crisper. A member of a number of political activist groups, including S.O.E.S. (separation of ear and sandwich), he helped organize the 1987 Brance County tree house boycotts and the 2002 omelet riots after the publicized police beatings of a carton of free-range. He is survived by a desk lamp and his imaginary psychologist, Dr. Rudolph.

Funeral services are scheduled for January 28 at 5:00 p.m., then we're headed to McCaffertys for trivia.