Services

Van driver for hire



"If I was your driver, you'd be there by now."


Famous clients include:

- Kirby Klein, "The Lettuce Jewelry King"
- Children's television star Porcupine Martha
- Pinching great Wendell Cooper


September specials

* Egg salad sandwich free with reservation (limited time only)
* "I Saw Mommy Kissing Everyone" by Peggy Cliff stuck in 8-track player


Call for rates
Charlton 555-3246


** BYOWM (bring your own walrus mask) **

Meetings

Pat's Pets
Staff meeting

On the agenda:


* What's that smell?
* Our flag football loss to Pete's Pets: what went wrong
* Customers are not allowed to go fishing in the aquariums


September 14, 1:00 p.m.

For sale

Red tray




* Perfect for carrying things
* Comes with house


$7 or best offer
Mitch 555-6159

Services

Mr. Do-it-all for hire

"I am what it is and was, and then some."


* Personal waver
* Celery hoarding: Q&A
* Shouting at crossing guards
* Meeting the right Murray
* Where to staple and when
* Goldfish naming 101


Call for rates and availability
Barry 555-1002

Meetings

A Novel Concept book club
September meeting


Books to discuss:

* When Noodles Marry - Terrell Adams Jr.
* The They and I - Amanda Fletcher
* The Encyclopedia of Softball Sacrifice Bunts - Chocolate House Publishing


Frozen ketchup cubes: Bryan


September 13, 7:00 p.m. at Jim & Gwen's house

For sale

Apartment-wide sale


- T-shirts

* "Chin Salad - World Tour, 1989"
* "Kaynesport Dolphins Region 7 Champions"
* Purple

- Salami sandwich (half)

- Children's toys

* Kirby Booger Boy plush doll
* Salamander Dan play set

- Jeremy

* Age 37
* Prize possession: mustard helmet autographed by Grady Reynolds


Call for prices/back scratches (cats only)
Sam 555-7610

For sale

Video games


Cabbage Man
Shimples Live!
Cabbage Man vs. Antarctica


$9 each
Roger 555-2316

Home for sale

1 BR
1/16 BATH
2 BEE HIVE/KITCHEN CABINET

* Once owned by College Crawling hall of famer Bingo Crumpley
* Used in the filming of the 1988 television documentary Frail Men


$80/month
Clem & Diane 555-9790

For sale

Magazines


Fashionable Dale (July, 2004; September, 2004)
Flumbering Ninny (January, 1998)
Dandruff Collector (October, 1999)
Mosquito & Bite (May, 2007; December, 2007)
Pine Cone Helmet Maker (January 1982)


$3 each
Evelyn 555-8173

Services

Advice man for hire

"You want my advice? I think you should take my advice from now on."

* Anchovies were not meant to be worn as earrings
* Don't put mayonnaise in your lemonade
* "Stay away from guys named Ted" - part 1
* Sending your ex-girlfriend "hair lockets": Q&A


Call for hourly rates
Seth 555-4747

Meetings

Ernie's Grocery - Store #22
Staff meeting


On the agenda:

* Milk does not come with a prize inside
* The whereabouts of assistant seafood manager, Derek
* What's the code for water chestnuts?


September 7, 2:00 p.m.

New Headquarters

The Bobby Classifieds has moved its headquarters to 235 Piso Street in downtown Kaynesport. Come help us celebrate our new building, September 5.

Scheduled events:

7:00 p.m. - National Anthem performed by Ankle Hair
7:15 p.m. - Silent auction

Some of the items up for bid:

- Staff writer Nick Leonard's TALK TO THE HANDLE coffee mug
- Dennis Haskins bobblehead doll
- Rare photos of copy editor Helen Tomlinson

9:00 p.m. - Let's get Paul Garrison drunk
11:00 p.m. - Closing speech by editor-in-chief Derwood Morris - "Don't Tell Anyone You Were Here Tonight"
11:45 p.m. - Lawn mow your way to the parking lot


September 5 starting at 7:00 p.m.
235 Piso Street

For hire

Handyman


* Paper cuts
* "Ebeneezer" exterminations
* Staple remover removers
* Sideburn maintenance
* Dead things under sink identification/removal
* Hug Olympics preperation


Call for rates and availability
Ed 555-6450

TV listings

WDER'S new Tuesday lineup!


REALITY TV

Let's Get Ru-Ru & Lil' Pipsqueak Some Booty - 7:00 p.m.
Presh'is and Mimi are eliminated and have to spend a night in the Stank Barn.

Will Someone Take my Son to the Homecoming Dance? - 8:00 p.m.
Ricky farts in the movie theater, prematurely ending his date with Maureen. Plus: Mrs. Donaldson and her son, Joey, practice pinning a corsage on the family dog, Buster.

Housekeeper Swap - ALL STARS - 9:00 p.m.
The Patterson's housekeeper picks up the wrong kids at soccer practice and the Banneker's housekeeper gets trapped underneath the living room couch.


MOVIE NIGHT

Big Ear Camp 2 - 9:30 p.m.



6:05 a.m. - Perfecting your fake limp