Derwood Morris - 11th place
January 8, 2010
January 7, 2010
January 6, 2010
Hideout for sale
I'd been hiding out here for more than 15 years, mostly running my body part mail order service (Fred's Heads, Etc). The police were tipped off by my mailman, who noticed one day that one of my packages was screaming and another package tore open and "several thousand thumbs came pouring out" (Kaynesport Observer, November 17, 2009). So I'm going away for a while, but my former hide out is perfect for an escaped convict or even a juvenile delinquent who wants to stash a few shopping carts or drink some lawnmower oil.
* Must like mold, possums and the musical group Moldy Possum *
Fred 555-3110
After January 15: Sherman-Kurksher Realty 555-1642
January 5, 2010
Services
Advice Man for hire
"Bossing people around since 2003"
* Soy sauce is not an acceptable substitute for unleaded gasoline
* Jean shorts with pictures of watermelon on the back pockets
* Bringing a wool hat and scarf into the shower
* Don't put coleslaw in your root beer
* Only fall asleep on your own roof
* You smell it, you bought it
Call for rates and availability
Larry 555-8845
"Bossing people around since 2003"
* Soy sauce is not an acceptable substitute for unleaded gasoline
* Jean shorts with pictures of watermelon on the back pockets
* Bringing a wool hat and scarf into the shower
* Don't put coleslaw in your root beer
* Only fall asleep on your own roof
* You smell it, you bought it
Call for rates and availability
Larry 555-8845
Meetings
Friends of Mitch Richardson
January meeting
Items to discuss:
* Mitch's new elbow implants
* Who is driving Mitch's grandfather, Sal to his Remaining Sals Together meeting, January 9?
* F.M.R. Flashback: July 10, 2004-the day we met Rich Mitcherson
Edible envelopes: Jill
January 7, 7:00 p.m. inside box car 9
January meeting
Items to discuss:
* Mitch's new elbow implants
* Who is driving Mitch's grandfather, Sal to his Remaining Sals Together meeting, January 9?
* F.M.R. Flashback: July 10, 2004-the day we met Rich Mitcherson
Edible envelopes: Jill
January 7, 7:00 p.m. inside box car 9
January 4, 2010
Murrays for sale
* More than 500 available *
- January special: buy one cast member of the hit reality TV show Murray House, get a second free
- Also available: Murray Cole's knee brace
Call for prices
555-0919
- January special: buy one cast member of the hit reality TV show Murray House, get a second free
- Also available: Murray Cole's knee brace
Call for prices
555-0919
For rent
0 BR
0 BATH
1 AUNT HARRIET
* Site of 1990 and 1994 Pinch Olympics
* Former home of serial staple remover Lawrence Clemons
Open house - January 8 from 2:00 p.m. - 5:00 p.m.
355 Deki Way, Kaynesport
January 3, 2010
Announcements
Now THAT'S art, or is it?, in conjuction with The Bobby Classifieds, presents the first annual Art Contest and Arm Pit Identification Spectacular! Each month, you decide which work of art is the best.
Finalists will be announced at ACAPIS, April 1, 2010.
January entries:
"Love Affair"
by Iris Bernstein
"Mustard Shield with Leaves of Toothpick"
by Oscar Rainbow
* Vote for your favorite on the front-page poll
* To enter February's contest, email oscarrainbow@gmail.com
December, 2009 winner: "Hobo Nightmare"
Finalists will be announced at ACAPIS, April 1, 2010.
January entries:
"Love Affair"
by Iris Bernstein
"Mustard Shield with Leaves of Toothpick"
by Oscar Rainbow
* Vote for your favorite on the front-page poll
* To enter February's contest, email oscarrainbow@gmail.com
December, 2009 winner: "Hobo Nightmare"
Cat for sale
Gigi
Age: 4
Mortal enemy: ceiling fan shadows
Favorite food: paper clips
Breath smell: rotten slugs
* Shedding eight hairs/minute (No. 4 nationally among neutered)
$40
Valerie 555-7771
Age: 4
Mortal enemy: ceiling fan shadows
Favorite food: paper clips
Breath smell: rotten slugs
* Shedding eight hairs/minute (No. 4 nationally among neutered)
$40
Valerie 555-7771
January 2, 2010
Obituaries
Klevin Washington (1919-2010)
Founding member of the political activist group S.O.T.T. (Separation of Toenail & Tea). In 1995, opened a dresser drawer for under-privileged chinos. Survived by his pet ant, Murray 4.
Sharon Appling (1920-2010)
Starred in the 1986 musical Eye Patches On Ice. Organized the 2002-2003 Appling Family Bath Tub Boycotts, helping coin the phrase "we won't bathe 'till the water's changed". Played saxophone in the musical group Mayonnaise Face. Funeral services set for January 5 at 4:00 p.m., then it's off to Jo Jo's for 60 cent wing night.
Founding member of the political activist group S.O.T.T. (Separation of Toenail & Tea). In 1995, opened a dresser drawer for under-privileged chinos. Survived by his pet ant, Murray 4.
Sharon Appling (1920-2010)
Starred in the 1986 musical Eye Patches On Ice. Organized the 2002-2003 Appling Family Bath Tub Boycotts, helping coin the phrase "we won't bathe 'till the water's changed". Played saxophone in the musical group Mayonnaise Face. Funeral services set for January 5 at 4:00 p.m., then it's off to Jo Jo's for 60 cent wing night.
TV listings
WDOO's Saturday lineup
REALITY TV
So, you think you can sneeze? - 7:00 p.m.
Rodney has trouble putting together consecutive sneezes and Penelope is caught with the pepper shaker and can't advance to the next round.
Lenny Island - 8:00 p.m.
The orange team is eliminated after judges find out Lenny Fedorov's real name is Yegor. Plus: the yellow team forgets where they buried Lenny Corcoran.
Will someone go on a date with my sister? - 9:00 p.m.
While celebrating a hole-in-one on her miniature golf date with D'Andre, Sara farts twice.
Movie Night Double Feature
Gravy Expectations - 9:30 p.m.
The Cruller Purple - 11:00 p.m.
6:10 a.m. - Garbage Disposal Historian's Society Hour with Jerome Ivey
REALITY TV
So, you think you can sneeze? - 7:00 p.m.
Rodney has trouble putting together consecutive sneezes and Penelope is caught with the pepper shaker and can't advance to the next round.
Lenny Island - 8:00 p.m.
The orange team is eliminated after judges find out Lenny Fedorov's real name is Yegor. Plus: the yellow team forgets where they buried Lenny Corcoran.
Will someone go on a date with my sister? - 9:00 p.m.
While celebrating a hole-in-one on her miniature golf date with D'Andre, Sara farts twice.
Movie Night Double Feature
Gravy Expectations - 9:30 p.m.
The Cruller Purple - 11:00 p.m.
6:10 a.m. - Garbage Disposal Historian's Society Hour with Jerome Ivey
January 1, 2010
For sale
New Year's resolutions
Having trouble coming up with a resolution for 2010? Buy one of mine. Special discounts available for guys named Brandon.
* Start giving wheelbarrow rides to less fortunate shopping carts
* Change my name to Farouq; one month later, stand on a table at a crowded Chinese restaurant and announce that I'm changing back to my original name
* Be a better waver
* Sleep one night in the washing machine
* Perfect my fake yawn
* Meet someone named Ernie
* Open my own grocery store, fill it with nothing but paintings of lettuce
* Convince a stranger to marry a four-pack of ankle socks
$25 each or three for $60
Brandon 555-8818
Having trouble coming up with a resolution for 2010? Buy one of mine. Special discounts available for guys named Brandon.
* Start giving wheelbarrow rides to less fortunate shopping carts
* Change my name to Farouq; one month later, stand on a table at a crowded Chinese restaurant and announce that I'm changing back to my original name
* Be a better waver
* Sleep one night in the washing machine
* Perfect my fake yawn
* Meet someone named Ernie
* Open my own grocery store, fill it with nothing but paintings of lettuce
* Convince a stranger to marry a four-pack of ankle socks
$25 each or three for $60
Brandon 555-8818
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