For sale

Bologna sandwich

* Perfect for the sandwich eater in your life
* Extra piece of lettuce sold separately
* Interesting trades for photographs of bologna sandwiches considered


$2
Paul  555-4002

Services

Psychiatrist for hire


* Jellypantsphobia (fear of a clothed jellyfish)
* Embellishing how often my goldfish speaks
* Whistling battles in bank lines: keeping it real
* Giant mailboxes invade Front Lawn City
* Bottom of foot piercing regret
* "I cook pounds of jasmine rice, pour it into the bathtub and bathe in it"
* Excessive zippering


Call for rates and availability
Claire 555-6643

For sale

1/2 cucumber




$2
Cal 555-0017

For sale

Stuffed bear



* "Maurice"
* Ketchup behind left ear still good
* Interesting trades for live bears considered


$40
Ben & Felicity 555-3991

Services

Professional pointer for hire

"I'll point at anything"

* Fully-licensed
* Over 40 years of pointing experience
* Once pointed at a building for over 15 minutes 22 seconds (national record)
* Assistant manager in charge of pointing at Beefy's Fast Food Hut #344 (May, 2006-December, 2008)


Call for pricing list
Jill 555-7990


** Now pointing at broken-down vehicles **

Meetings

A Novel Concept book club
October meeting


Books to discuss:

* Turkey Sandwich, Interrupted - Gail Clemens
* The Girl With the Vacuum Cleaner Tattoo - Elliot Shane
* Idiot's Guide to the Faucet - Ed. Samantha Horn
* History of North American Mud Fights - Chocolate House Publishing


October 4, 7:00 p.m. at Ned & Danita's apartment

For rent

Basketball goal



* Must provide own net
* Used in the filming of the hit reality TV show Basketball Statistician's Wives
* Wasp nest on rear side of backboard
* Youth player with terrible jump shot and chicken legs (Randal Jr.) free with rental agreement


$25/hour
Randal & Beverly 555-3391

For sale

Lemon slice

* RARE *


$11
Boris  555-4662

Meetings

Friends of Barry Neemitz
Fall meeting


Items to discuss:

* Barry's surgery aftermath: auctioning off the old thumbs for charity
* Who is available to drive Barry's grandfather, Calvin, to his Too Many Calvins meeting October 8?
* Our field trip to Barry's mailbox has been rescheduled for November 22



Thursday, 3:00 p.m. at the Corcoran Baptist Church

Meetings

Plumptin Pirates 10-under football
Mid-season award ceremony


To be given out:

- Weakest arm

- Pet with worst breath award
- Least attractive older sister

- Helmet on backwards award

- Worst hand-off


September 30, 6:00 p.m. at O'Shoolihon's

Obituary

Emmit Larsen
1906-2011

Emmit died doing what he loved: arguing with a squirrel on the roof. The founding member of the political activist group S.F.M. (Separation of Feathers & Milk) and protest group GO-FUMS (Get Out From Under My Sink), he also formed the air drumming trio Bologna Face in 1974 and the group played their final show at the 1981 Shovel at the Shore benefit to raise awareness of snow. 

Emmit is survived by a photograph of his goldfish, Marty. 

Funeral services are set for October 1 at 4:30 p.m., then it's off to Padre's for quarter beer night

For sale

Mud

* Over two pounds available
* Used as a stand-in on the reality TV show Watch Me Eat Mud


Call for pricing list
Stanley 555-3341

For sale

DVD for sale
Reality TV


* Are You Fatter Than Andy? - Complete Series
* Paper Boys: Denver
* We're Living on a School Bus! - Season 3
* The Real Bird's Nests of the Wexford Public Library - Final season
* Does Your Grandma Have To Be Here? - Season 7 (w/extended scenes)


$5 each
Keonte 555-0818

Services

Need to insult a relative?


Joe Maglio 555-9995