For hire

Freelance Santa Claus for hire

* Since 1992

- Stand-in mall Santa (1992-present)

As lead Santa:

- Furniture liquidation parking lot (1992-present)
- Museum Of Snowman Casualties (2003-2007)
- Cell Phone Emporium grand opening (December, 2008)
- Played "Santa Claus"/"Mike Harrison" in 2001 made-for-TV-movie Santa In The Attic

* I have my regular Santa beard/hat look as well as two other looks: Goatee & Wool Hat Santa & Clean-Shaven w/ Eye Patch Santa
* Along with regular fee, must provide bus fare reimbursement


Dale  555-2110

For sale

Shrimp shells

$.20 each or $2.75 for all 15
Max  555-3999


"You can't pass up this deal."

- Max

Public Service Announcement

Disconnections

We were both in line at the post office the other day and I was trying to see how many shipping labels I could fit into my mouth.

I noticed you couldn't take your eyes off of me.

Which of my ears was blood coming out of, right or left?


Jerry  555-7118

For sale

Doof Daniels' autographed ball




* Comes with a paper towel of authenticity


$400
Harold 555-6796

Services

Need walls stared at and/or pointed at?


Joe Maglio  555-9995

Opportunities

Adopt a portion of my carpet

* Close proximity to my dresser
* Appeared in the reality TV show Where Are My Contact Lenses?!
* One human child (age 4) available for adoption as well


Call 555-0003 for more information

Religious visions

A vision of our lord and savior Jesus Christ appeared in a rain puddle on my driveway.

There is also a brown, pebble-like substance beneath Jesus' nose that we believe is a sign of the lord blessing us.


* $300 per viewing
* Jesus puddles also available in jars or plastic bags
* Viewings available now through the end of December


615 Shalderon Avenue, Plumptin

For sale

Reality TV on DVD

* Bag Boys: Portland
* We're Living in the Bathtub! - season 2
* Countdown to 9:45 p.m.: Shreveport
* Let's Glue Things to That Old Man - final season


$5 each
Kenneth  555-0022

Item found

I found the exact location of the sewer.

Here's the first clue:

If you'd like to receive the rest of the clues, come to a meeting at my house.

December 9, 7:00 p.m. - 410 Biagioni Street, Kaynesport

Meetings

Friends of Vanessa Lynch
Winter meeting

On the agenda:

* Vanessa's new stick of deodorant: Q&A
* Vanessa doesn't like cherry soda anymore
* Where we can spend our Vanessa Bucks, where we can't


December 7, 4:00 p.m. at Juan's condo

Missing

For sale

Christmas tree needles

$.75 each or $100 for all 315
Jake  555-4409

Services

In a grocery store checkout line and need someone to collect your change and hand it to you?


Ken  555-9118