Services

Need to knock on a door?


Joe Maglio 555-9995

For sale

VHS movies


The Greatest Hoagie Roll to Ever Mold
Scotch Tapes of Wrath
Desperately Seeking Dental Floss
Arm Rest of the Opera


$4 each
Gwen 555-6681

Meetings

Plumptin Referee's Association
Post-season meeting


Items to discuss:

* For next season, please put your microphone & belt on after your pants
* The following was called on three separate occasions in 2011 and is not a penalty: "illegal nose on the face"


December 30, 2:00 p.m. at PCRA headquarters

For sale

Santa beard

- White w/honey mustard dressing
- Used in the filming of the holiday reality TV show Help, I Married A Mall Santa!


$8
Chuck 555-7791


* Hurry, Trevor is interested

Events

Meet Barry!



January 4 from 1:00 p.m.-3:00 p.m. in front of Pond 7

Public Service Announcement

Sofas shouldn't be caged



Help us free the Kaynesport couch hostages in time for next Christmas.


Call 555-3381 for more information

For sale

Discount Christmas items


* Photos of Santa Claus

- Asleep with ants crawling in his beard
- Santa vs. Grandma arm wrestling, semi finals (6 photos)

* Christmas DVD

- Waiter, There's An Elf Ear In My Soup: The Closing Of Shanahan's Bar & Grill

CD singles

- O' Holey Socks - The Pool Boys
- Whose Baby Daddy Is This? - Peggy Cliff All Stars


Call for pricing list
Harriet & Toby 555-4682

Events

It's the 27th annual Peggy Cliff holiday concert!

Get your tickets now:

Reserved seating: $75
Lettuce pit: $40
Wheelbarrow rentals (general admission): $5


Peggy will be singing all of her hits:

* "I Saw Mommy Kissing Everyone"
* "Ya'll Can Keep 'Em (My Two Front Teeth)"
* "(Countin' On) Pigeon Folk"
* "It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like January"
* "There Used To Be A Bald Spot"
* "I Saw Mommy Kissing Trevor's Mommy"


December 30, 7:00 p.m. at Plumptin Arena
Box office: 555-4493

For sale

Driveway

* Gravel
* Close proximity to the mailbox
* Starred in the 2007 film Snow Shoveling At Tiffany's


$600 for entire driveway
Tiffany 555-2866

Announcements

Kaynesport Aeros basketball
Additions to the 2011-2012 promotional calendar


January 7 - Couch Cushion Night
January 28 - Throw tangerines at the owner's son
February 4 - Bowl of oatmeal (first 5,000 fans)
February 6 - Window Night
March 11 - Stray cat (first 2,500 fans 14-under)
April 1 - Phonebook Day


For tickets, call 555-3301

For sale

Documentaries on DVD


* Gimme A Glass of Water (Forehead, Live at Kaynesport Amphitheater, 6/7/03)
* There's A Man Over There Screaming at an Oak Tree
* Earburgers: The Closing of Vinny's Fast Food Palace


$6 each
Giovante 555-2000

Meetings

Onion Rings Fast Food - Store #214
Staff meeting


On the agenda:

* Please stop accepting raisins as currency
* The drive-thru window does not double as a confessional booth
* Meet your new assistant manager in charge of reaching for things, Debra Barone


Saturday at 10:30 a.m.

For sale

Reality TV shows on DVD


* Watch Me Eat Tree Branches - Final season
* Janitor Wives - Season 2
* Who Wants to Throw Lettuce at a Millionaire? - Season 1


$8 each
Wendy 555-2911

Item found

Snowman

We found him outside our apartment the other night; seems to be missing most of his face and perhaps some other accessories.

If he's yours, give us a call.

No reward money is necessary, but perhaps we could talk about an even trade for a snow shovel.


* Doesn't respond to Randal or James *


555-9188