Openings

Linda's Advice Shop
Grand opening!



Spring, 2009 specials:

* "Purple jean shorts?"
* "'Determination' is not a girl's name."
* "Don't drink and pogo stick."
* "Stop collecting other people's toe nails."
* "Stop putting shampoo on your pancakes."



Linda's - 717 Richard Clayton Blvd, Kaynesport

"The best prices in town"

- Linda

Meetings

Bobo Valley Cobras youth baseball
Pre-season team meeting


On the agenda:

* Why we can only bring more than one bat to the plate during practice
* Please do not eat the eye black


May 19, 7:30 p.m. at PeePee's Pizza

Personal ads

CATS SEEKING CATS



SBWC, age 6. Trying to find a nice, young feline to share my window ledge.

No fake whiskers.

Vladimir box 11107


My hair is all matted down and I'm down to dietary, salmon-flavored dry food, but I still know how to party.

Cookie box 66320


MEN SEEKING WOMEN


52-year old retired elevator critic.

Orin box 30007


I just got out of the shower, but I forgot to take off my clothes before I got in. Looking for a woman with a drier.

Herndon box 33918

For sale

Directions for sale

Some of the spring's hottest driving directions -

* Your house to my house
* My house to Lonny's grandmother's house
* Cooper's Discount Wine from anywhere
* My house to where Lonny met the talking raccoon
* Cooper's Discount Wine to the Lotto Stop
* Lonny's grandmother's house to Mushroom's apartment


Make me an offer


Cody 555-4400

Events

Eenis Capolo concert



Europe's legendary crooner is coming to the Kaynesport Amphitheatre for one night only!


See Capolo sing his classic hits:

Can't Get You Out of my Turtleneck
(Dependin' On) Squirrel Folk
Don't Shave So Close to Me
Girls Just Want to Have Fudge
Ernie Davis Eyes


Ticket prices

Grape Jelly Pit - $150
Under stage - $100
Gravel - $30


June 4 - 8:00 p.m.

For sale

Water



* Tap


$2
Travis 555-4537

Services

Psychiatrist for hire

"Let's see if we can shake the crazy/money out of you"


* Excessive sign holding
* Over-pinching
* Chronic steering wheel drumming
* Trouble whining
* Fear of a clothed rhinoceros


Dr. Janice Bailey
555-5449

Dog for sale

Mookie



Age: 7

* Won Worst Breath at 2006 Hummps
* Appeared on the hit reality TV series Help, My Dog is Throwing Up Blue Stuff!


$80
Tim and Katie 555-8973

Meetings

Henley's Food Mart - Store #247
Staff meeting


* If you're going to wear suspenders, please wear a shirt and pants as well
* The customers are not allowed to keep their shopping cart


May 7, 11:30 a.m.

Letter from the editor

Dear readers,

Contrary to what you may have heard, I did not die of a penguin feather overdose this past weekend. We all have our own ways of letting off steam; unfortunately the mainstream media doesn't feel it is necessary to collect facts before publishing a story ("Too Many Penguins", Kaynesport Times, 5/4/09).

I appreciate all of the get-well socks.


Derwood Morris

Events

J96.5 PLOP Radio is back on the airwaves!



New weekday lineup

Yoyo & Blinky in the Morning
8:00 a.m. - 12:00 p.m.

The Lunchmeat Crew
12:00 p.m. - 3:00 p.m.

The Ernest Bingo Show
3:00 p.m. - 7:00 p.m.

Feathersville Blobfish Baseball
7:00 p.m. - Wilson Shane & Hall of Famer "Clam Boots" Baker on the call

Eddie and Diane Sing the Obituaries
12:00 a.m. - 12:20 a.m.

**New 96.5 programming starts May 4!


Upcoming events

* Mayonnaise Eating Contest (Presented by Clumpy's Barbecue Mayo) - May 7, 2009
* Help Jorge Fulfill His Community Service in the Park - June 13-14, 2009

Call 555-PLOP to sign up

Services

Psychic for hire

"I can see stuff"

* Who stays chubby/who doesn't
* What's 10:30 going to be like?
* Partially-eaten Jolly Rancher futures
* Stoplight futures
* Ending to Rocky 9
* The future of the crystal ball


Candy 555-6641
Call for rates and availability

Meetings

Kaynesport spring football
Mid-season team meeting


Items to discuss:

* Meet our new mascot, Tommy Taco III
* Why you only need to wear your shoulder pads during practice and games
* Mid-season awards:

- Largest Head
- Wobbliest Pass
- 23rd Man Award
- Smallest Wrists


May 6, 7:00 p.m. at the fieldhouse

For sale

VHS


I Know Where you Sneezed Last Summer
Edgar & Sandeep Shave their Eyebrows
Boysenberries in the Hood


$4 each
Cody 555-0309