For sale

Rare tire



* Black with Wayne blood
* Engaged to garden hose (June, 2009)
* Six worms free with purchase


$17
Wayne  555-8641

Openings

Wilson's Grocery
Grand opening!



"Putting the 'stale' back in 'grocery store estaleblishment'"


January specials:

* Gary feet - 2 for $20
* Bag soups:

- Cream of Maureen Carlson
- Centipede Gumbo

* Ankle flakes
cup $2
bowl $4

* Leg of table - $7.99/pound
* Wilson - $40 or best offer

Plus:
Chew-off lottery tickets now available!


Wilson's - 901 Haynejernk Street, Kaynesport

For sale

Bandaid collection

* Over 5,000 *

- Used
- 25 Howdy Possum available (rare)


$450 for entire collection
Bridgette 555-5383

Children for sale

Jasmine
Age: 15
Favorite phrase: LEA RFMOL SPP!
Significant other: Qwayshon (9 days)
Special skills: none


D'Andre
Age: 5
Favorite game: Climb on roof, try to catch birds
Special skills: Pinches at a 1st grade level
Mortal enemy: The monster in the garbage disposal


$150 each or both for $275
Roderick & Cora 555-3346

Comic

Destinations

Visit Exit 90 in downtown Goober City!




Also check out:

* The childhood home of three-time Bernie Wheeler look-alike contest runner-up, Jed Barnhill
* The original International House of Shoelaces (19th Street)

Casting call

The Dertherwood Theater Company is looking for actors and actresses to audition for the following roles in the upcoming play Ernie Lives!


- Ghost Pete
- Nectarine Avenger/Nectarine Avenger alter ego Jasmine Wilson
- Giant Ernie
- Mrs. Vanderells
- Dream Sebastian
- Voice of singing hedge trimmer
- Mashed potato art dealer, Quinn Dierdorff
- Evil Veronica


** We're also looking for someone who can talk a man down from a mountain of tires **


Auditions are from 9:00 a.m. until 5:00 p.m. on January 22 at our new home (825 Rainbow Lane, West Plumptin)

Letter from the editor

Staff janitor Marty is recovering nicely from his recent acorn overdose. We appreciate all of the get-well eyelashes. The 6th annual "What's That Smell? Festival" was a huge success and here are this year's grand-prize winners: Cavonshay, Morris, Ruru and Ernie Jr.


- Derwood Morris

Services

Ready to start the countdown to 2011?

Begins January 25 at 1:00 p.m. at my place: 410 Derwood Manor, Kaynesport.


Joe Maglio

For sale

Magazines


Licorice Wig Maker (July, 2005; November, 2005)
Fire Ant Collector (January, 1999)
Journal of Modern American Leg Cramps (Special 'Calves of Cole County' pull-out poster-October, 2002)
Flashlight & Battery (February, 2008)


$2 each
Barry 555-8175

Services

Femp, Jannick and Featherman
Attorneys-at-law

"For the two-nostriled, not the nostriless"


* Egg roll custody
* Misappropriation of Marlenes
* Impersonating a police radio
* Stalking celery
* Possession of raccoon feet with intent to distribute
* Obstruction of Jud Stish
* Reckless humming
* Hiccup and Run


555-4404

Announcements

The city of Kaynesport is celebrating our Twicentennial
2008-2010

Missing

Bram Ferguson
Missing since: November 6, 2009
Last seen: on Ferguson/Feathers campaign trail
Fake: ears; limp


If found, please call Beverly 555-1319

Meetings

Marty's Bagels - Store #73
Staff meeting

On the agenda:

* Why our pinecone cream cheese isn't selling well
* Front-end manager Anthony's S.U.I. (schmearing under the influence) arrest: Q&A
* The "Sideburns of Eugene" sandwich has been taken off the menu


January 11, 11:00 a.m.