Casting call

The Feathers-Morris Theater Company is holding auditions for the following roles in the upcoming production of Nose Bleed of a Salesman


* Evil Kent
* Ivan: half-man, half-bologna sandwich
* Ollie the singing mailbox
* Young Diane
* Rubber Band Hall of Fame curator Owen Bagwell
* Raccoon #2
* Sneezy The Clown


Auditions - September 17, 2:00 p.m.-7:30 p.m. at the theater - 77 Gallego Crossing, Kaynesport

Meetings

League of Randys fantasy football league
Pre-draft meeting


Only item on the agenda:

* Randy McGee's real name is Rodney McGahee, so we have an opening in the North Division


September 12, 7:00 p.m. at Randy's house

For rent

Glass of water

* Tap
* Free delivery


$2/minute
Glenn 555-0017

Public Service Announcement

Help us end wheelbarrow violence.




Call 555-2114 to find out how you can help.

Services

Psychiatrist or hire


* "The hood of my sweatshirt is laughing at me behind my back"
* Bringing a hedge trimmer in the shower
* Fear of opera-singing banana peels
* The voices inside your slippers
* Excessive dusting off
* Roniphobia (the fear of losing your phobia in a plate of macaroni salad)
* "I'm not a schizophrenic, but the canary living in my hair says you are"


Call for rates and availability
Marie 555-5572

For sale

Drive-thru bill

* $6.19 due
* I'm at Beefy's Fast Food Hut #93, in a white car, currently third from the window. I'll be snapping my fingers and pointing to the hood of the car.
* As many as three salt packets free with purchase


$10
Daniel 555-6001

Meetings

The Tinkle Army
Band meeting


On the agenda:

* Let's talk seriously about changing the name of the band
* We can't keep letting the audience members decide when the guitar solos end
* The benefit concert to raise awareness of the sky has been moved to October 20


September 8, 2:00 p.m. at the rehearsal space

For sale

I'm selling some of my old domain names.

Great prices available.


www.coopercollege.edu/intercollegiateathletics_competitiveleafeating
www.moviescriptmadness.bcm/coughofasalesman
www.otherhoracesivemet.tumblr.com/horaceburton
www.pinchestheclown.com/2011tourdates
www.deadwormsifound.blogspot.com
www.mudfights.com/1993/wilkinsvsholmeier2
www.movielist.wordpress.com/thingswelostinthemashedpotatoes
www.nectarinesiveyettofinish.blogspot.com


Call for pricing list
Horace  555-4991

Services

Looking to literally and/or figuratively follow in Joe Maglio's footsteps?


Joe Maglio 555-9995

For sale

Used books


- Idiot's Guide to the Tape Dispenser
- The Girl With the Bath Tub Tattoo
- What to Expect When You're Expecting Possums
- Book of Goldfish Names: Boys


$3 each
Beth 555-1132

For sale

I've got some of my oldest sayings for sale.

Great deals available.


"You can't make a meatloaf without breaking some legs"
"I'll garnish my own catcher's mask, thank you very much"
"Better to have loved a moth than to have never rubbed a shawl"
"You going to eat that refrigerator magnet?"
"You can't take a bottle opener to a gun fight"


Call for pricing list
Roderick 555-3346

For sale

Reality TV on DVD


* Who Can't Spell?! - Complete series
* Watch Me Drink Engine Coolant! - Season 1
* Who Wants to Take My Grandson to the Homecoming Dance? - Season 5 w/outtakes


$10 each
Carlos 555-3772

For sale

Celery stalk




$8 or best offer
Bernice 555-3311

Meetings

Sandpaper Store
Staff meeting


On the agenda:

* Former cashier Harold Boggs' autographed sandpaper is now up for auction
* We no longer sell sandpaper sandwiches after last Thursday's spicy mustard incident
* The sandpaper sauna has been removed from the break room indefinitely


May 7, 2:00 p.m.