For sale

Used car

* 290,000 miles
* Missing left passenger-side door, portions of the hood
* Plenty of sunflower seed shells under the driver seat


$140
Jimmy  555-7702

"If you owned this car, you'd be home by now."

- Jimmy

For sale

Un-cooked pasta

* 18 rotini noodles available & three pieces of spaghetti (not pictured) also available
* Ask about our layaway plan


$3 each or all 21 for $50
Kenneth & Evan  555-1003

Services

Need to know the temperature?


* 50 degrees or higher: $3
* 49 degrees or lower: $4.50


Joe Maglio  555-9995

For rent

Bed in one-room apartment

* Made entirely of leaves
* Just a four-second walk to the bathroom
* Free leaves with rental agreement


$8/night
Dwayne  555-1118

** Call now and get twig/branch pillow rental for just $3 **

For rent

Styrofoam peanuts

* 23 pieces 
* Rent entire lot for half-hour increments, or by the piece


Call for pricing list and availability
Roderick  555-4775

For sale

Reality TV on DVD


* The Real Hornet Nests of the Kaynesport DMV - season 2
* Trying On Chinos With The Stars - season 3
* Get My Grandpa Out Of The Bathtub! - season 1 w/deleted scenes


$3.75 each
Adrianna  555-6046

Item found

Bike pedal

Found Saturday out in front of my house. 

If he belongs to you, give us a call.

Didn't answer to Calvin or Alvin.


Diane & Vernon
555-8334

Disconnections

At a stop light the other day I asked several times if I could get in your car and if you'd like to have my gum because it had lost its flavor.

I noticed you weren't able to take your eyes off of me.

Which shoe, left or right, was I missing?


"Mystary man"  555-7259

Meetings

Kaynesport Astros adult league baseball
Pre-season team meeting


On the agenda:

* That's not what the baseline chalk is for
* There's no such thing as throwing out the ceremonial first lawn chair
* Only one person at a time is allowed to bat


April 9, 2:30 p.m. at coach Paddock's apartment

For sale

Radish shooter

* Comes with four rounds of radishes and its own holster
* Used by Myron Sanders during his silver medal-winning performance at the 2006 Salads

** Free sports bottle of ranch dressing with purchase


$20
Patricia  555-4779

TV listings

WDER's new Thursday lineup

7:00 p.m. - Peggy & Chip Sing The Local News
8:00 p.m. - Do You Have More Head Lice Than A Third Grader?
8:30 p.m. - Reading Ketchup Ingredients With Terrell
9:00 p.m. - F.A.H. (Finding Acorns a Home) weekly meeting telecast
10:00 p.m. - Pointing At Gravel With Pavel


WDER

Kaynesport - channel 23
Ookamondo - channel 44
East Plumptin - channel 37

Public Service Announcement

Services

Need directions to Joe Maglio's house?


Joe Maglio  555-9995


** Other Maglios: ask for pricing list

Help wanted

I need help paying my library fines.

* $12.50 owed
* I'm at the water fountain just outside the main lobby of the Kaynesport Public Library, wearing blue jeans and a red t-shirt. I'll be pretending to drink water, just tap me on the shoulder to get my attention.
* First person to answer this ad will receive one free I'VE GOT THE NEED, THE NEED FOR READ bookmark.


Kenny
555-8119 (if you're at the other water fountain and need to get in touch with me)