House for sale

"A spacious fixer-upper in the heart of the avocado district"

6 BR
1/2 BATH
0 ROOF

* 10 minutes from all downtown sidewalks
* Used by the musical group Forehead to produce their hit record Stairway to Attic (January-April, 1999)


Open House - Sunday, July 5 - 1:00 p.m. - 4:00 p.m.
355 Mervin Avenue, Kaynesport

Announcements

Final cuts for the 2009 Plumptin Pirates
Adult Shimples League

Manager - Robbie Derwood

*returning player

1 Pushcart Sims
2 Kelmon Wonderful*
3 Smelly Parker*
4 Junior Sherman*
5 Peakaboo Franklin*
6 Blinky
7 Salisbury Johnson
8 Wilson Woo
10 Ozzie Cooper*
11 Milk Carton Graham*
14 Sid Early*
16 Wendell Woo


* First practice - July 3, 3:00 p.m. *

Agenda:

- Silent greetings
- Pointing at each other's arm pits
- Salami slice/toss practice
- Trade socks

[Please wear a shirt, pants and two shoes, and bring your Shimples pouch]

Any questions, call coach Derwood 555-2323

For sale

Quarterback

Buck Porter - "The Plumptin Pipsqueak"
Age: 17

Has:
* Grit
* Savvy

- Averaged between 83-110% per game (career high: 117%)
- Eyebrows acquired in a straight-up sideburns-for-eyebrows trade with best friend, Tanner (May, 2008)


Perfect for your team this fall.
Call Coach Gentry - 555-1442


** Call now and receive three clipboards, free with purchase

Services

Tour guide for hire

Ernie Maglio will take you on a magical journey through historic Kaynesport




* Nostril Park, home of the Wombatz
* What's moving around in that bush?
* The Battle of Ant Hill historical site
* Stoplights
* Tinkle Alley
* Roger Hoffman's apartment on 11th St. & Baker
* National Pincher's Hall of Fame
* Following a different tour group; mimicking them


Call for reservations and great summer deals - 555-8871

Police report

Paws McMurtry
Age: 34
Pants: yes

June 25: Mr. McMurtry was arrested with 400 gallons of mayonnaise and 125 pounds of toe nails with intent to distribute.


Previous arrests

May, 2003: Taken into police custody for refusing to remove his pine cone hat and stirrups in a government building.

December, 1997: Arrested for crawling under the influence and resisting lettuce.


MCMURTRY, PAWS
BAIL: $17

For sale

T-shirts

I'm building a brand-new wardrobe.

Make me an offer -


* "I Survived Mail Carrier Camp"
* Blast! Cola
* "Do I look Like I Care?"
* Blue
* Support Elephants in the Theater
* Pinky Toe - World Tour, 1993
* Harry is Coming: Look Busy


Manny 555-2000

For sale

Possum tail

* Rare *


$75
Joseph 555-9995

For sale

Alan 555-7219

Meetings

The Page Turners book club
June meeting


Books to discuss:

* The Encyclopedia of Homemade Walrus Costumes - Chocolate House Publishing
* Idiot's Guide to Escalators - Editor, Penny Cartwright


Pecan crumbles: Cindy


June 27, 7:00 p.m. at Cindy's town house

Thoughts for sale

It's time I got these off my mind.


* Cauliflower ear muffs
* I'm seriously considering adding a 3rd elbow
* Become a professional John Stamos impersonator; meet John Stamos; he says 'you sound just like me'; we switch identities
* I'm in a penguin costume, trapped in a dish washer
* Cr'Vontavious is not a boy's name
* I wonder if my ex-girlfriend Diane got the toenail/forehead sweat care package I sent her


$7 each
Josh 555-4461

Couch for sale

* "No Sisters Allowed" fort: 1989-1993 (President-Tommy Colsen)
* Grandpa Harold (trapped underneath) free with purchase


$43
Jenna 555-4481

Openings

Club Sweaty
Grand opening - July 1!




* Arm Pit Fridays - Featuring R&B sensation Lil' Horsefly
* Penguins Night
* DJ Walnut (Weekends)

*PLUS*
The World-Famous Sweaty Girls


Sweaty - 400 Oakley Avenue, Plumptin

Car for sale

Jake 555-0103

Advertisement

Personal trainer Elliot Rainbow, creator of world-famous workout videos At Least Do One Sit-up and Now We're Blubbersizing!, presents his third installment, Untitled Workout Video.


Rainbow (February, 1998)


Monday

Workout: Solo thumb wars - left vs. right.

Diet: For breakfast/lunch, engage in a serious political discussion with a stick of butter. For dinner, interview a Hardees store manager about drive-thru policies.

Extra-curricular: Seduce a curling iron.

Tuesday

Workout: Sit down(s). Beginners: sit down slowly.

Diet: Breakfast/lunch, drink 3 ounces of beef broth. Dinner, call a random number in the phone book and initiate a conversation about cottage cheese.

Extra-curricular: Improvised whistling for 12 seconds

Wednesday

Workout: Daydream about roller skating.

Diet: For breakfast/lunch/dinner, chew on some notebook paper.

Extra-curricular: Massage a beach towel

Thursday

Workout: Crawl 3 laps around the dining room table. At the end of each lap, scream the name of your 4th grade teacher. Example: "Mrs. Vanderells!!"

Diet: Breakfast/lunch, celery shavings. For dinner, bathe in soy sauce.

Extra-curricular: High-five practice with your goldfish.

Friday

Workout: Knee taps. Do four reps of six knee taps. For beginners: simulated knee tapping.

Diet: For breakfast/lunch, on a piece of paper, write down the name of your favorite salad dressing. For dinner, insult a plate of fat-free turkey bacon.

Extra-curricular: Rehabilitate a dying shampoo bottle.

For a free consulation call 555-1000 or email oscarrainbow@gmail.com