Services

TicketPro

"The ticket pros"

Great seats for Kaynesport City's hottest summer entertainment -


* Lint Ball playoffs - 1st round begins June 17
Mud pit general admission: $10
Reserved seating: $35

* Salt Shakers on Ice - July 3-6

* Dunk Tank Thursdays at Macafee Auditorium

Exhibitions starting July 9:

7/9 - Honey mustard
7/16 - Scalp flakes
7/23 - Custodian sweat
7/30 - Soy sauce finale

* Sit Down and Shut Up Festival - August 10-11

* The Rory Pickle Orchestra - "Third-to-last Tour"

July 4: The Mashed Potato Hole (East End)
July 18: Blast! Cola Arena
July 24: Ernie Benzo Auditorium
August 1: Unnamed Theater


TicketPro - 555-1001

House for sale

2 BR
3 PEPPERCORN RANCH BATH TUBS
1 LUCKY TONY'S FOOT


* Once owned by Hall of Fame Pigeon Ball squeezer, Lyle Penny


$140/month mortgage payments
Chuck and Martha 555-7166

Meetings

Beefy's Fast Food Hut - Store #214
Staff meeting

On the agenda:

* Ground beef: if it's green, don't let it be seen
* The customers are not allowed to make their own food
* Why you can no longer bring your aunts or uncles to work


June 10, 4:30 p.m.

Advertisements

Switch to DerMo Cable TV

* 7/4 customer service
* Free turkey leg with purchase

Access to over 400 channels, including:

- Fatigue
- The Pencil Channel
- Asparagus TV
- Napkin Network
- Doofusball Sunday Package


Only $7.95 per month
Call 555-7110 to order

Services

Joyce Kepler
Mobile psychiatrist for hire


* Over-crawling
* Chronic chronicling
* Fear of running out of things to point at
* Rice terrors
* Excessive "Shane" calling
* Fear of turning into a half man/half windshield wiper
* Lettuce envy


Call for rates
555-2816

Services

Need rear-view mirrors looked into?


Joe Maglio 555-9995

For sale

Neckties


Flying band aids - $10
Homie Don't Play That - $4
Hamburger buns - $7
Pee Pool tie (rare) - $40
Ernie Boy Potato Shorts - $12


Tom 555-0811

Services

Single American Women
Seek bus schedules and round men with access to corn


Fish odor OK.
555-4229

Meetings

A Novel Concept book club
June meeting


Books to discuss:

I Picked Things out of Her Ear - Dr. Lionel Hainesworth
Idiot's Guide to the Shallow End - Desmond Banniker
The Complete Shimples Encyclopedia - Chocolate House Publishing


Hot dog juice: Tym


June 8, 8:00 p.m. at Sam & Diane's condo

Closings

Come help us say goodbye to Stankiewicz Field - June 6


The Stank has seen it all:

- Hosted four KTBA championship games
- Site of the famous Ranch Dressing Pool 100-meter backstroke "Battle of the Sexes" showdown between Dottie James and Ron Carlisle (1979)
- 1990 Squirrel Toss (Hall of Famer Noodles Cooper's last toss)
- Used in the filming of the 1984 television documentary Watch Me Eat Grass


My Stankiewicz Field Memories (narrated by DJ Doofus of Smell-96.5)

DJ Doofus


* The new backstop arrives (July, 1988)
* The Day of Many Screams (March 11, 2003)
* Police finally catch Eddie Cole, "The Linguine Strangler"


Stankiewicz Field - 1400 Bucksley Avenue, Perkins County
Call to reserve your tickets - 555-3411

Police report

Murray Cassady
Age: 38
Sandwich in pocket: 1/2 ham/cheese

May 31 - Mr. Cassady was taken into police custody for refusing to remove his inner tube in a government building.


Previous arrests:

July & August, 2006: On two separate occasions, tested positive for performance-enhancing caterpillars.

April, 2002: Arrested in a Mel's Supermart parking lot with over 300 bars of soap with intent to lather.


Cassady, Murray
BAIL: $47

For sale

Apartment-wide sale

June specials:

* Water bill - $37.64
* Uncle Jorge - $80
(w/fingernail collection - $125)

VHS

Olin Fleming: Lettuce Avenger
Freckle Camp 4
I Know Which Light You Dimmed Last Summer


Baxter 555-6218

Bobby's first birthday party

For sale

Yard sale


Grandpa Mel's wheelbarrow - $11
Fire ant hills (freezer bag) - 3 for $10

Signs:

BEWARE OF WRISTWATCH
VOTE RORY/ERNST 1988
SIGN FOR SALE


June 6-7, 9:00 a.m. - 3:00 p.m. each day
410 Coogans Drive, Jaysontown