Saturday Personal Ads

MEN SEEKING WOMEN


FEATURED PERSONAL AD


SWM, age 30. I'm looking for a woman with a nice, confident limp. Call me, I'm probably at the Farmer's Market, waiting for Yanling to make some more dumplings.
Andy box 67719


Retired lollygagger. I've got a lot of momma issues, in that my mother, Harriet, lives with me and she's got a lot of issues. Is she in your spot on the couch? Push her off.
Brandon box 42002


WOMEN SEEKING MEN


Former Miss Beefy's Fast Food Hut (North American chapter). I've got a brand-new nose and I'm not afraid to sneeze with it if the mood is right.
Corinne box 33371


Middle school math teacher willing to try anything involving powdered sugar. No weird odors, please.
Linda box 53000

For Sale

MAGAZINES

All in near-mint condition -

Walking to the Mailbox (Holiday double issue: December, 2006)
Mashed Potato Fancy (August, 1988)
Glove Compartment (July, 2005)


$8 each
Paul 555-8102

For sale

FOR SALE


Crisp, new $50 bill


$60
Janae  555-4902

*also available: $20 bills

Services provided

Do you have a hard time telling people how you feel about certain things?

Give me a call and I'll give them a piece of your mind.


* People who name their children after a season
* Unicyclists
* People who describe their belly button lint
* Ear pickers
* People whose accents change when they say Spanish words


February Specials

Help with:

- Steering wheel drumming
- Loud phone calls
- Olive breath


Call for rates and availability
Seth 555-6671

For sale

Bus



Classic 1970 Blue Bullet model

- Seats 44
- (c)Possum Village in back

Bus highlights:

* Palms on the Stove Baptist Church bookmobile (1971-1978)
* The hideout for Horace "The Ear Collector" McKendry (1979-1982)
* The Chest Hairs tour bus (1988-1993)


$350
Fran and Kevin 555-0103

Police Report

Name: Vernon Sanderson
Age: 33
Pants: Yes


January 25: Mr. Sanderson was arrested for attempted murder (goldfish) when police found him pouring excessive amounts of soy sauce into his fish tank. Mr. Sanderson defended his actions by stating that the goldfish who disliked soy sauce was "out of town on business."


Previous arrests:

March, 2005: Arrested for failure to maintain two, distinct eyebrows, which is a felony in Yuntz County.

July, 1999: Taken into custody for impersonating a dinner plate. Mr. Sanderson became abusive and was handcuffed after a female guest refused to eat fried calamari out of his belly button.



SANDERSON, VERNON
BAIL: $15

TV listings

WDER'S Sunday lineup


REALITY TV

Give my grandpa a bath - 8:00 p.m.
Hillary is disqualified for over-shampooing. Plus: Grandpa Luis wears his robe and slippers into the bath.

My ears are full of what? - 9:00 p.m.
The housemates can't agree on what brand of mustard is pouring out of Troy's ears. Special guest star: Stuart Fratkin

2nd grader swap - 10:00 p.m.
The Donaldsons lose patience with Timothy after he puts his sneakers on the wrong feet again. Plus: the Greggs are devastated when Keanon reveals his favorite super hero is Wonder Woman.


LATE NIGHT MOVIE - 11:00 p.m.

Ankles in America



6:05 a.m. - Jogging in place with Trevor

Closings

Help us say goodbye to the Mop Top
February 6



The Westernsouth's oldest bar and worm store


Closing night festivities:

7:00 p.m. - Parade of Bouncers

7:30 p.m - Top 5 Mop Top Moments
Narrated by Cool 94.5 DJ Rory Ferguson

5. Smelling Lisa farewell concert
4. Harriet sets Earl on fire
3. The afternoon Mike ate all of the cocktail onions
2. Earl sets Harriet on fire
1. When Jimmy fell in the toilet, claimed he'd meant to, then to prove his point stayed in the toilet the entire night.

10:00 p.m. - Wet Sock Contest - Finals

11:00 p.m. - LIVE in concert: My Neighbor's Nostrils



The Mop Top - 1400 Cooper Street, Kaynesport

Meetings

Friends of Dottie Bedinfield
February meeting


Items to discuss:

* Dottie's new gloves: Q&A
* When is the last time Dottie finished a crossword puzzle?
* 2009 Dottie Fest volunteer signup


Mashed strawberries: Kelly



February 4, 7:00 p.m. at Oak Park apartment complex gazebo

Openings

The Morris-Jakely Movie Theater
Grand opening!




February movies

Edgar & Sandeep Rent a Minivan
The Horseradish Nine
39, Part 2
How Rory got his Shoes Back


Winter, 2009 specials

* Popcorn butter - $4/gallon
* Buy one 1st grader, get the second free (Wednesdays only)


The Morris-Jakely - 7755 Bainbridge Way, East Shueburg
Call 555-8183 for show times

Pet personal ads

DOGS SEEKING DOGS



I'm only seven years old, but I can pee all night. Call me, we can bury my owner's toupee in the backyard and see where it goes from there.

Jersey box 511


Single, Boston Terrier, age 3. Looking for a lady that'll help me find some squirrels.

Murphy box 287



CATS SEEKING CATS



I've been chasing shadows and my tail for years; it's time I settled down. I've got plenty of cat nip and my owner is always out of town on business, so we've got the toilet all to ourselves.

Roger box 646



OTHER


Owl, age 8, looking for a good listener.

Henry box 390

Services

HOSPITALITY


Do you need to go to the bathroom?

* First flush free, $3 for each additional flush
* Several issues of Standing & Sitting in upstairs bathroom


JUST ADDED: Basement bathroom

- AM/FM radio


The McElroy's - 4110 Merriweather Lane, Kaynesport

For sale

Magazines


Other People's Feet (November, 2006; January, 2007)
Cat Breath Quarterly (May, 2003; July, 2003; February, 2004)
Cramping Up (March, 2008; May, 2008)


$6 each
Ernie 555-6606

Meetings

Head Scratchers Anonymous
February meeting

On the agenda:

- Picking up the pieces from last weekend's flag football loss to Pimple Pickers Anonymous
- What to do when something falls out and runs away


Frozen mayonnaise squares: Aaron


February 2, 8:00 p.m. at Corey and Irene's house