Services

Need to coax a mule down from a roof?


Joe Maglio 555-9995

Help wanted

My car is buried in snow. And my mother-in-law, Diane is down there somewhere. I need someone with a shovel or a new car and a stand-in mother-in-law (for reference: photo available upon request).


Claire 555-8962


* Free snow also available *

Services

McCan the Advice Man
For hire


* What happens in the garbage disposal stays in the garbage disposal
* Don't paint your walls with mayonnaise
* Wearing a trench coat into the pool
* An apricot is not a pet
* Don't make a casserole out of a molehill


Call for rates and availability
McCan 555-6884

For sale

2011 calendars

Wall:

* Mailmen Named Dale
* The Girls of Shampoo Taster Magazine
* 12 Months of Envelopes

Desk:

* Greg Sanderson-Fact-A-Day
* 365 Days of Cantaloupe


Call for pricing list
Beverly 555-8010

Meetings

What the Book? reading group
2011 kick-off meeting


Books to discuss:

What to Expect When You're Expecting A Guy Named Kevin - Ivan Layne
The Encyclopedia of Carpet Stains Shaped Like Broccoli - Chocolate House Publishing
A Child Called 'Pretzel' - Samantha McCreary


January 2, 4:00 p.m. at Hillary's condo

For sale

Puppy

- Unnamed
- Seven days old
- Likes to eat infant hair and goldfish


$10
Mike 555-7615 (my mom's phone)

For sale

Brand-new video games


Salad Dressing Man vs. China
Corey Gallagher: Escape from the Washing Machine
Air Guitar Hero
Retirement Home: Exercise Lawn
Call of Taxi Cab


$15 each
Natalie  555-0340

Christmas Personal Ads

MEN SEEKING WOMEN


I've got a ton of mistletoe to eat.

Call me.

Ron box 81902


Snowman-building contest participant (1974-1995); won the '77 and '84 Frostys. I'm now a celebrity judge, so, plenty of perks. Voted "tallest" in high school yearbook (June, 1972).

Alan box 80444


WOMEN SEEKING MEN


SBF, age 36. Just looking for a man to go with me to an office Christmas party so I don't have to go with my uncle Derwood again.

Turn ons: real talk about highway rest stop hand driers.

Chantelle box 63436


OTHER


Tall, green tree. Fake.

Gary box 29910

Meetings

Madeline's Antique Shop
Staff meeting


Items to discuss:

- We do not have a drive thru
- Please stop accepting cans of soup as currency
- Mr. Adamson is not for sale


December 27, 10:00 a.m.

Services

Need a shoe walked in?


Joe Maglio 555-9995

For sale

Christmas tree

* Thrown-up rice/vodka stuck to back left corner
* Presents included w/tree:

- Flying pepperoni tie
- Something laughing wrapped in newspaper


$20
Andy and Jennifer 555-8919

** Dead mouse in tree stand sold separately **

Meetings

Kaynesport Carolers
Pre-Christmas Eve meeting


On the agenda:

* There isn't a 13th day of Christmas for menthol cigarettes


Tonight, 7:00 p.m. at headquarters

For sale

Unleaded gas

- Six gallons
- Comes in tupperware (free with purchase)

I'm at the Stopmart on Old Kaynesport, pump 9.


$24
Terry 555-6119

For sale

Cd singles


Christmas singles:

I Saw Mommy Kissing Timothy's Mommy - Peggy Cliff
The Balding Drummer Man - Carl Kringle

Other:

Wheelbarrow to Heaven - Slay Parker Trio
Call the Pinch Police, Volume 3 - JJ (featuring Lil' Pancake)
Deodorant Beneath My Wings - Delaney Sisters


$4 each
Toby 555-4682