2 BR
0 WINDOWS
4 INNER TUBES
** Aunt Jeanine also available for limited time **
$750/month
Debbie and Cooper 555-4401
March 13, 2009
Home for sale
2 BR
0 WINDOWS
4 INNER TUBES
** Aunt Jeanine also available for limited time **
$750/month
Debbie and Cooper 555-4401
March 12, 2009
Police report
Carl Clemente
Age: 59
Pants: no
March 11: Mr. Clemente was arrested for refusing to remove his beer helmet and cape in a government building.
Previous arrests
May, 2003: Arrested for providing false information. The accused claimed he was a Puerto Rican rooster named Juan and that the only way to get a stain out of a shirt is with dish washing detergent.
December, 1989: Taken into custody for impersonating an elevator. Mr. Clemente became disorderly after he claimed a female passenger insisted on pushing all of his buttons.
April, 1982: Arrested for possession of more than 12 penguins with intent to sell.
CLEMENTE, CARL
BAIL: $70
March 11, 2009
For sale
Pet lizard
Name: Ollie
Age: 8
We had a falling out over some orange stuff on my leg. I accused him of relieving himself; he said I was "just getting old." It's time for both of us to start over.
* Co-founder of the musical group Cricket Sam and the Ollies
* Fastest 40-yard dash time: 18 seconds (June, 2007)
$40
Reggie 555-9103
Name: Ollie
Age: 8
We had a falling out over some orange stuff on my leg. I accused him of relieving himself; he said I was "just getting old." It's time for both of us to start over.
* Co-founder of the musical group Cricket Sam and the Ollies
* Fastest 40-yard dash time: 18 seconds (June, 2007)
$40
Reggie 555-9103
March 10, 2009
Meetings
Turn the Page book club
March meeting
Books to discuss:
Who microwaved my socks? - Janet Banneker
The idiot's guide to rear view mirrors - The Hirsch Group
Crackers: Tony
March 13, 7:00 p.m. at Olin and Debra's condo
March meeting
Books to discuss:
Who microwaved my socks? - Janet Banneker
The idiot's guide to rear view mirrors - The Hirsch Group
Crackers: Tony
March 13, 7:00 p.m. at Olin and Debra's condo
Casting call
The Neck Hair Theater Company is holding auditions for the new musical Mejia, Mejia!
We're looking for men and women of all ages to audition for the following roles:
- Ernie
- Coach Jorgensen
- Misshapen Fred
- Angry Ernie
- Murph the Talking Armadillo
- Dream Helen
** Now hiring ceiling fan historians **
Auditions - March 12-14, 7:00 p.m. - 10:00 p.m.
Neck Hair Theater Co. - 540 Crockett Place, Royster
We're looking for men and women of all ages to audition for the following roles:
- Ernie
- Coach Jorgensen
- Misshapen Fred
- Angry Ernie
- Murph the Talking Armadillo
- Dream Helen
** Now hiring ceiling fan historians **
Auditions - March 12-14, 7:00 p.m. - 10:00 p.m.
Neck Hair Theater Co. - 540 Crockett Place, Royster
March 9, 2009
For sale
Tires
Perfect for:
- Cars, trucks
- Tire fights
$4 each
Evan 555-2001
VHS
Edgar & Sandeep Escape from the Laundromat
The Goshfather
Sneakered Man Walking
$5 each
Vanessa 555-9111
March 8, 2009
Meetings
MEETINGS
The People in the Woods - Plumptin Point Chapter
March meeting
Items to discuss:
* What was that noise?
* Let's stop carrying lunch meat in our pockets
* What we learned from Thursday's taunting of Murray the Raccoon
March 10, 8:00 p.m.
The People in the Woods - Plumptin Point Chapter
March meeting
Items to discuss:
* What was that noise?
* Let's stop carrying lunch meat in our pockets
* What we learned from Thursday's taunting of Murray the Raccoon
March 10, 8:00 p.m.
March 7, 2009
Meetings
Cluck's Chicken Hut - Store #71
March staff meeting
On the agenda:
* Meet and greet with new assistant manager in charge of potato wedges, Rondae
* The whereabouts of Captain Clucky
* We do not have a drive thru
March 10, 6:00 p.m.
March staff meeting
On the agenda:
* Meet and greet with new assistant manager in charge of potato wedges, Rondae
* The whereabouts of Captain Clucky
* We do not have a drive thru
March 10, 6:00 p.m.
March 6, 2009
March 5, 2009
For sale
Spare bedroom clearance sale
Desk
* I LOVE SARAH carved into top, left corner
$35
Used Halloween costumes
Caesar Salad Man (w/crouton decoder ring) - $15
Dave Coulier - $3
Principal Allen - $6 (toupee add $2)
The Leaf Blower - $10
VHS player
- Doesn't work but has plenty of character
$4
Gary 555-6167
Desk
* I LOVE SARAH carved into top, left corner
$35
Used Halloween costumes
Caesar Salad Man (w/crouton decoder ring) - $15
Dave Coulier - $3
Principal Allen - $6 (toupee add $2)
The Leaf Blower - $10
VHS player
- Doesn't work but has plenty of character
$4
Gary 555-6167
March 4, 2009
Dreams for sale
I'm selling a bunch of my old dreams; some go all the way back to my childhood.
Make me an offer.
- Quarterback for the Toronto Argonauts
- Crossing a bridge on a pogo stick while eating a tuna fish sandwich
- Go on a date with Derrick's mom
- Offensive coordinator for the Toronto Argonauts
- The maple syrup dream
- Leader of a biker gang called The Solution
- Firefighter
- Contestant on a game show; win a lifetime supply of mayonnaise
Zack 555-3303
Make me an offer.
- Quarterback for the Toronto Argonauts
- Crossing a bridge on a pogo stick while eating a tuna fish sandwich
- Go on a date with Derrick's mom
- Offensive coordinator for the Toronto Argonauts
- The maple syrup dream
- Leader of a biker gang called The Solution
- Firefighter
- Contestant on a game show; win a lifetime supply of mayonnaise
Zack 555-3303
March 3, 2009
TV listings
WDER'S Tuesday lineup
EXCITING LSAA ACTION!
Kippinger Falls at Betty's Bashers - 6:00 p.m.
The Lady of Wombat return to Fritz Field, site of last year's infamous Blouse Burn. The Bashers head into the contest with the league's best record and Old Natalie Milton on the mound.
REALITY TV
Postal Worker Swap - 8:00 p.m.
Julio is eliminated after forgetting to put down the flag on the Corcoran's mailbox. Plus: Arnold wears his Captain Cucumber boxer shorts outside his regular shorts.
Will you go on a date with my father? - 9:00 p.m.
Maureen is mortified when her father, Ben, shows up to his date with Clara the Weather Girl with a half-shaved mustache.
LATE NIGHT DOUBLE FEATURE
I know whose nose you picked last summer - 10:00 p.m.
Raj & Elroy escape from detention - 11:30 p.m.
5:40 a.m. - Learn to Jaywalk
EXCITING LSAA ACTION!
Kippinger Falls at Betty's Bashers - 6:00 p.m.
The Lady of Wombat return to Fritz Field, site of last year's infamous Blouse Burn. The Bashers head into the contest with the league's best record and Old Natalie Milton on the mound.
REALITY TV
Postal Worker Swap - 8:00 p.m.
Julio is eliminated after forgetting to put down the flag on the Corcoran's mailbox. Plus: Arnold wears his Captain Cucumber boxer shorts outside his regular shorts.
Will you go on a date with my father? - 9:00 p.m.
Maureen is mortified when her father, Ben, shows up to his date with Clara the Weather Girl with a half-shaved mustache.
LATE NIGHT DOUBLE FEATURE
I know whose nose you picked last summer - 10:00 p.m.
Raj & Elroy escape from detention - 11:30 p.m.
5:40 a.m. - Learn to Jaywalk
March 2, 2009
For sale
I'm selling all of my old nicknames
"Johnny Big Time"
"J-To-The-Max"
"J-Max"
"J"
"The Provoker" (8th grade spelling bee incident)
"Pee Pee Johnny" (Elementary school nickname-*rare*)
$15 each
John 555-2481
"Johnny Big Time"
"J-To-The-Max"
"J-Max"
"J"
"The Provoker" (8th grade spelling bee incident)
"Pee Pee Johnny" (Elementary school nickname-*rare*)
$15 each
John 555-2481
March 1, 2009
Services
Life coach for hire
Gwen
Age: 36
Experience:
- Life coach since 2007
- Girl's soccer coach (1995-1997)
* Ruler anxiety: what should I measure?
* Fear of unibrows
* Keeping dry in the rain: 10 helpful hints
* How many porcelain tiger figurines is too many?
* Celery addiction
* Don't tuck your pants into your socks
Call for hourly rates
555-8105
Gwen
Age: 36
Experience:
- Life coach since 2007
- Girl's soccer coach (1995-1997)
* Ruler anxiety: what should I measure?
* Fear of unibrows
* Keeping dry in the rain: 10 helpful hints
* How many porcelain tiger figurines is too many?
* Celery addiction
* Don't tuck your pants into your socks
Call for hourly rates
555-8105
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