Weiss-Bannister: The Free Clinic
Grand opening!
"Isn't it about time it is what it already was, but better?"
* Pre-naval care
* Am I blinking enough?
* Fake limps
* Too much/not enough ear hair
* Nermdaphobia (Fear of patio furniture)
* Am I winking enough?
* Tube sock overdose
Weiss-Bannister - 500 Porter Street, West Dylan
March 31, 2009
March 30, 2009
Destinations
Looking for a great place to spend your summer vacation?
Morwood Spa & Resort & Dental School is waiting for you!
* Take a tour of our fabulous Visitor's Parking Lot and Front Lobby Brochure Table
* Hike up Eyebrow Mountain and relax in one of our world-famous Clam Chowder Spas (now with 12% more bouillon!)
* Nightly musical performances:
- The Soy Sauce Revival
- Barking Linda
- Salami Sandwich
- Ernie and the Bunsen Burners
And so much more!
Call 555-8117 for reservations
** Free molar extraction if you purchase by May 1 **
Morwood Spa & Resort & Dental School is waiting for you!
* Take a tour of our fabulous Visitor's Parking Lot and Front Lobby Brochure Table
* Hike up Eyebrow Mountain and relax in one of our world-famous Clam Chowder Spas (now with 12% more bouillon!)
* Nightly musical performances:
- The Soy Sauce Revival
- Barking Linda
- Salami Sandwich
- Ernie and the Bunsen Burners
And so much more!
Call 555-8117 for reservations
** Free molar extraction if you purchase by May 1 **
March 29, 2009
Personal ads
MEN SEEKING WOMEN
My girlfriend left me when it became clear I wouldn't be able to compete with Oprah. I even hosted my own show in the basement for a few weeks, but ratings were terrible. Looking to start over.
Kenneth box 32018
SWM, 32. Former quarterback for Crocker Creek High School (1992-1995). Voted "Best Nose" in senior yearbook.
Craig box 66586
My girlfriend left me when it became clear I wouldn't be able to compete with Oprah. I even hosted my own show in the basement for a few weeks, but ratings were terrible. Looking to start over.
Kenneth box 32018
SWM, 32. Former quarterback for Crocker Creek High School (1992-1995). Voted "Best Nose" in senior yearbook.
Craig box 66586
March 28, 2009
For sale
Magazines
Women Named Cora (September, 2003, October, 2003)
Wrists & Ankles (May, 1979 - *rare*)
Puddle Water Collector (July, 2006; January, 2007)
$4 each
Eddie 555-0114
Women Named Cora (September, 2003, October, 2003)
Wrists & Ankles (May, 1979 - *rare*)
Puddle Water Collector (July, 2006; January, 2007)
$4 each
Eddie 555-0114
March 27, 2009
Meetings
A Novel Concept book club
April meeting
Books to discuss:
Encyclopedia of Ranch Dressing Spills - Corin Shane
The Un-Nibbleable Man - Tony Conrad
The Idiot's Guide to Family Reunions - Chocolate House Publishing
Bean sprouts: Candace
April 3, 7:00 p.m. at Shanequa's condo
April meeting
Books to discuss:
Encyclopedia of Ranch Dressing Spills - Corin Shane
The Un-Nibbleable Man - Tony Conrad
The Idiot's Guide to Family Reunions - Chocolate House Publishing
Bean sprouts: Candace
April 3, 7:00 p.m. at Shanequa's condo
March 26, 2009
TV listings
Check out WDER's Thursday lineup!
REALITY TV
Make me a pick pocket - 8:00 p.m.
Darryl is eliminated after he mistakenly puts a $5 bill into someone's pocket.
Pimp my linen closet - 9:00 p.m.
After Mr. Delicious suggests a diamond-studded throw pillow, Cathy has a nervous breakdown and has to spend five minutes in The Hamper.
Following around the Delvecchios - 10:00 p.m.
Little Vinnie learns the literal and figurative meaning of "a knuckle sandwich".
MOVIE NIGHT - 11:00 p.m.
Briefcase of a salesman
6:10 a.m. - Bus routes in your area
REALITY TV
Make me a pick pocket - 8:00 p.m.
Darryl is eliminated after he mistakenly puts a $5 bill into someone's pocket.
Pimp my linen closet - 9:00 p.m.
After Mr. Delicious suggests a diamond-studded throw pillow, Cathy has a nervous breakdown and has to spend five minutes in The Hamper.
Following around the Delvecchios - 10:00 p.m.
Little Vinnie learns the literal and figurative meaning of "a knuckle sandwich".
MOVIE NIGHT - 11:00 p.m.
Briefcase of a salesman
6:10 a.m. - Bus routes in your area
March 25, 2009
Home for sale
1 BR
0 BATH
3 WASP NESTS
* Used in the filming of the ground-breaking television documentary A Town Without Teeth
* Coming April, 2009: in-ground mayonnaise pool. Be the first on your block to take a dip in the mayo!
$9,000
Rance and Cynthia
March 24, 2009
Services
Private investigator for hire
"Today, more than ever"
* Is your barber pocketing your old hair?
* Who's wearing your donated knee brace
* Spotting phony mustaches
* Did that pigeon give you a funny look?
* The pinching of Molly Brandenburg
* Cutest cocker spaniel in the neighborhood
Call for rates and availability
Danny 555-7182
"Today, more than ever"
* Is your barber pocketing your old hair?
* Who's wearing your donated knee brace
* Spotting phony mustaches
* Did that pigeon give you a funny look?
* The pinching of Molly Brandenburg
* Cutest cocker spaniel in the neighborhood
Call for rates and availability
Danny 555-7182
March 23, 2009
Obituaries
Fred Vanderells
1890-2009
Frequent contributor to Ear Hair: The Magazine; died of an apparent stapler overdose. A lifelong advocate of interracial deck sanding, Mr. Vanderells is survived by his parakeet, Sammy.
Vicky McDaniel
1919-2009
Lead singer for Vicky and the Mosquitoes (1942-1951). Loved mashed potatoes and collecting sideburns. Funeral services are Wednesday at 1:00 p.m., then it's off to Lindy's Fish N Chips for trivia.
1890-2009
Frequent contributor to Ear Hair: The Magazine; died of an apparent stapler overdose. A lifelong advocate of interracial deck sanding, Mr. Vanderells is survived by his parakeet, Sammy.
Vicky McDaniel
1919-2009
Lead singer for Vicky and the Mosquitoes (1942-1951). Loved mashed potatoes and collecting sideburns. Funeral services are Wednesday at 1:00 p.m., then it's off to Lindy's Fish N Chips for trivia.
March 22, 2009
Meetings
The Friends of Uri Shankesh
April meeting
On the agenda:
* The Shankesh Shuffle
* Last week's ultimate frisbee loss to The Pals of Barry Crane: did anyone find Danny's left index finger?
* Who is dropping off Uri's nephew at his orthodontist appointment?
April 2, 7:00 p.m. at the Vines at Carverbluff apartment complex gazebo
April meeting
On the agenda:
* The Shankesh Shuffle
* Last week's ultimate frisbee loss to The Pals of Barry Crane: did anyone find Danny's left index finger?
* Who is dropping off Uri's nephew at his orthodontist appointment?
April 2, 7:00 p.m. at the Vines at Carverbluff apartment complex gazebo
March 21, 2009
For sale
1989 Dermoor Budster ZE
* Driver-side Melted Crumple Technology
* Half bologna sandwich in glove compartment
* Used for several road trips, including 2003 pilgrimage to Grapes Land, childhood home of Ernie Corley
$170 or best offer
Rick 555-6227
* Driver-side Melted Crumple Technology
* Half bologna sandwich in glove compartment
* Used for several road trips, including 2003 pilgrimage to Grapes Land, childhood home of Ernie Corley
$170 or best offer
Rick 555-6227
March 20, 2009
Children for sale
Kevin
Age: 5
Education: one year of kindergarten
Favorite game: Hide under the sink, scare Grandpa
Favorite TV show: The Dribbledrobblers
$200
Betty and Dan 555-4071
Felicity
Age: 6
Favorite TV show: Cody Shambot
Life's ambition: to grow up and become a stuffed animal
Special skills:
- nationally ranked poo flinger
- can write 30 words per minute on the living room wall
$120 or best offer
Corinne 555-6111
Age: 5
Education: one year of kindergarten
Favorite game: Hide under the sink, scare Grandpa
Favorite TV show: The Dribbledrobblers
$200
Betty and Dan 555-4071
Felicity
Age: 6
Favorite TV show: Cody Shambot
Life's ambition: to grow up and become a stuffed animal
Special skills:
- nationally ranked poo flinger
- can write 30 words per minute on the living room wall
$120 or best offer
Corinne 555-6111
March 19, 2009
Services
Professional taster for hire
Unsure of what you're about to taste? Give me a call and I'll try it out first!
* Lettuce
* Convenience store ham sandwiches
* Grandma's pocketbook mints
* The good life
* Convenience store chimichangas
* Janet, two apartments down
* Your own medicine
And more!
Call for hourly rates and availability
Niles 555-3763
Unsure of what you're about to taste? Give me a call and I'll try it out first!
* Lettuce
* Convenience store ham sandwiches
* Grandma's pocketbook mints
* The good life
* Convenience store chimichangas
* Janet, two apartments down
* Your own medicine
And more!
Call for hourly rates and availability
Niles 555-3763
March 18, 2009
Personal ads
MEN SEEKING WOMEN
FEATURED AD OF THE DAY
Part-time mascot, "Squirts", for the Kaynesport Bluejays winter league baseball team. I'm famous for my December, 2008 run-in with a fan who sprayed me with mustard and relish while I was doing 'YMCA' on the roof of the dugout. I pulled that little kid's pants down; he cried. Anyway, those days are behind me. I'm a changed man, baby. Give me a ring, I'm probably at home microwaving some soup.
Josh 555-2022
SWM, age 31. I was married to the sea, but we split up when I almost drowned trying to save my Big Girl O'Clock hat. I've been seeing this gravel road for the past few months and we're looking for a third. Call me.
Scott 555-9681
WOMEN SEEKING MEN
SBF, age 33. I've been told I bite in my sleep, but nothing has ever been proven.
Natalie 555-3991
I've got my ex-boyfriend's name tattooed on my left shoulder. His name is Gutter.
Looking for a man named Gutter.
Alexis 555-7172
FEATURED AD OF THE DAY
Part-time mascot, "Squirts", for the Kaynesport Bluejays winter league baseball team. I'm famous for my December, 2008 run-in with a fan who sprayed me with mustard and relish while I was doing 'YMCA' on the roof of the dugout. I pulled that little kid's pants down; he cried. Anyway, those days are behind me. I'm a changed man, baby. Give me a ring, I'm probably at home microwaving some soup.
Josh 555-2022
SWM, age 31. I was married to the sea, but we split up when I almost drowned trying to save my Big Girl O'Clock hat. I've been seeing this gravel road for the past few months and we're looking for a third. Call me.
Scott 555-9681
WOMEN SEEKING MEN
SBF, age 33. I've been told I bite in my sleep, but nothing has ever been proven.
Natalie 555-3991
I've got my ex-boyfriend's name tattooed on my left shoulder. His name is Gutter.
Looking for a man named Gutter.
Alexis 555-7172
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