For sale

Rare autographed bandaids




A - Qwontavius Bradley
* Used. Includes blood from Bradley's elbow cut (May, 2006)

B - Mutt Celery
* Signed during the Napkin Restoration Society (NRS) 2003 annual conference


$75 each or both for $130
Trevor 555-2381

Services

Jung, Clynewick & Qwince Law Offices

"Putting the 'fices' back in 'law offices' since 1997"


* Nail clip-and-run
* Wrongful sneaker massaging
* Rachel profiling
* Possession of geologists with intent to distribute
* Paper clip custody
* Avocado neglect


Call 555-2331 for a free consultation

Bird for hire

Paul

Special skills:

* Award-winning cloaca (2004 & 2006 Feathers)
* Can eat 30 WPM (worms per minute)
* Starred in the 2005 reality television show Sparrow House


Rental price: $17/hour
Herman 555-4661

Home for rent

1/16 BR
1/2 SHOWER

- Brick with white scrapings
- Used in the filming of the 2009 movie Cross-Eyed Camp 4
- Sinks sold separately

* Priced to collapse *


$65/month
Troy & Linda 555-4519

TV listings

WDER's new Sunday lineup!


REALITY TV

Help! My Kangaroo's Stupid! - 8:00 p.m.
Eddie keeps walking into the same oak tree, Sarah can't spell "marsupial" and Coco thinks she's a frog.

Kerwin Needs a Hug - 9:00 p.m.
Jennifer won't give Kerwin a hug. Plus: out on the dance floor, Pash'in gives everything but a hug.

The Real Asparagus of Ocheana County - 9:30 p.m.
A late-night boil catches the asparagus by surprise.



MOVIE NIGHT - 10:30 p.m.

I, Refrigerator



5:20 a.m. - Pinching with a Purpose

New Products

Andujar mugs™

$5 each
derwoodmorris@gmail.com

Services

Need things pointed at?


Joe Maglio 555-9995

Squirrel for sale

Murray
Age: 7

Marital status: Divorced, Martha (woodchuck)
Claim to fame: Has won 11 pine cone seed eating contests, including in August, 2009 when his finals opponent and longtime rival, Sasha was disqualified for using performance-enhancing crickets
Moment of shame: One of the original actors in the ill-fated Bjorn's Acorn Porn series (November, 2005 - January, 2006)


$35 or best offer
Randy 555-8871

Directions for sale

Great deals on some of the spring's hottest directions.

- Your house to my apartment
- My apartment to Knee Cap's house
- Kyle's grandmother's house to Buckey's Bar
- Knee Cap's house to the Paysley Street Lotto Hut
- My apartment to Vanessa's condo
- Vanessa's condo to the county jail
- Henry's van to anywhere (*best value*)
- Kyle's grandmother's house to the county jail
- Finding your way out of the washing machine


* All available on white, lined paper *

$6 each
Darnell 555-1720

For sale

Magazines

Badminton Cards Monthly (September, 1999)
Wheat Bread Helmet Maker (June, 1988)
Good Puddlekeeping (August, 1996; December, 1996)
Raccoons Life (May, 2001; July, 2001)


$2 each
Joan 555-6652

For sale

Acorn

* Brown
* Several other acorns available by request
* Interesting trades for mud considered


$7
Eric 555-2911

For sale

Services

Having trouble finishing a pancake or other breakfast food?


Joe Maglio 555-9995

For sale

Chair

* Blueish-rustyellow
* Excellent condition
* Once sat in by Herman Parsons during his Save the Umbrellas, Stop the Rain tour (May, 1991)


$11
Dave 555-1219